“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”
“I have never seen that much blood.”
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says he’s been practicing for years and can ‘hit every note, low and high.’ In response […]
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.”
“He didn’t know that whales were real and he is unreasonably terrified of them.”
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.”
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #Disgraceful.
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos.
Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians.
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.
“It’s not like we’re asking them to carry our purses up there – although that would be ideal and hopefully it leads to that.”
The NRA is utilizing “balloon art guns” and the hashtag #LiterallyDead as part of their marketing.
“Let’s just admit it, Mitch is such a basic bitch name.” – Senator Bitch McConnell
Garten has been raising her own humans for consumption in a coop next to her garden.
Dawn has sent 5,500 bottles of soap to help clean thousands of Native Americans who are now covered in oil.
“Kavanaugh needs a liver by Christmas and the Democrats don’t give a lick!” – Senator Lindsey Graham
#Kavanaugh #FBIReport #SupremeCourt
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones.
“We’re trying to attract more meat-eaters by selling a diverse selection of what we are pretty sure they like to eat,”
“It’s crazy to say it, but you almost wish they weren’t dead.”
“If enough of us do it, they can’t catch us all.”
“It appears that he was not remotely aware of the situation and still probably isn’t.”
“These kids aren’t fully investing themselves in the vibrant artistic expression and riveting stories.” – Jane Meyers, Head of Stanford’s Sex & Gender Studies
“It will sound like an airplane is taking off inside of the user’s vagina,” iBort creator Justin Swartzky stated.
“The president had been taking Viagra six times a day – one pill with every meal.” – Rudy Giuliani
“I make great deals, okay? This deal is really phenomenal on the surface. It’s a wonderful, superficial deal,” Trump said.
Melania’s emails have been released to the public in an act of transparency.