“This is Trump’s 4th fake marriage, but the first one that makes sense.”
“Anyone who purchases a drink can get a free tattoo from our baristas this weekend.”
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi
“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders
“Sqoobz aren’t comfortable to wear by any means. Your tits will be flopping around in there.” – Victoria’s Secret CEO Jan Singer
“I pulled all of my investments in Elon’s companies halfway into the movie because I was certain he had been [expletive] to death.”
“I have never been more turned on in my life.” – Juliet Moore, Bernie Sanders Supporter
“It’s convoluted as [expletive]!” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “The document obsesses over mechanical pencils and references outdated world news without context, but oddly enough everything ‘Trump’ now makes sense.”
Campbell’s reports selling over 1.2 tons of Prego Afterbirth-Style pasta sauce in the first week.
An attempt to clue the Vice President in using his teleprompter backfired; resulting in Pence aggressively shouting “There’s a tail sticking out of your ass” in the middle of an impassioned speech on moral decay in America.
The Senator began the livestream by saying “Hold on a sec, I’m going to go grab my bong,” before exiting the shot and flipping on ‘Kaya’ by Bob Marley.
Booker’s 15 minute ventriloquism act included a perfectly performed impersonation of Sesame Street’s best-known character.
Democrats are trying to persuade Melania Trump to bring the president to mindblowing climax.
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”
“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”
“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.”
“Nick will be up there competing for the same oxygen supply as the President for roughly an hour.”
Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.”
Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.”
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”
“I have never seen that much blood.”
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says he’s been practicing for years and can ‘hit every note, low and high.’ In response […]
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.”
“He didn’t know that whales were real and he is unreasonably terrified of them.”
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.”
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”