guy fieri new contract 80 million or until he dies from heart attack

Food Network Signs $80 Million Contract With Guy Fieri For 3-Years, Or Until Death By Heart Attack

The Food Network announced today that they have come to an agreement with Guy Fieri on a new contract after a two week long discussion and multiple doctor’s visits to check up on Fieri’s health. Because of test results, the … Continue reading Food Network Signs $80 Million Contract With Guy Fieri For 3-Years, Or Until Death By Heart Attack

53% Of Republicans Think Trump Is Legally The Current President; If True He Won’t Be Able To Run In 2024 Due To Term Limits

A poll released today revealed that 53% of Republicans firmly believe that Donald Trump is currently the real president of the United States. What’s more, another 63% say he should still run again in 2024. But if Trump were truly … Continue reading 53% Of Republicans Think Trump Is Legally The Current President; If True He Won’t Be Able To Run In 2024 Due To Term Limits

dodgers change name to dogers after new sponsorship from dogecoin

Dodgers Move Forward With Name Change After New Sponsorship By Dogecoin

The team formerly known as the Los Angeles Dodgers now bears a slightly-adjusted, new name and team mascot. Now recognized as the Dogers, after Dogecoin became the team’s new sponsor, the new mascot will be the a Shiba Inu dog … Continue reading Dodgers Move Forward With Name Change After New Sponsorship By Dogecoin

Texas law would allow doctors to stop mother's heartbeat in order to listen for fetus'

Texas Law Would Allow Doctors To Stop Mother’s Heartbeat In Order To Listen For Fetus’

A new anti-abortion bill is close to becoming law in Texas after it passed 83-64 in the House yesterday. Senate Bill 8 would allow doctors to halt the hearts of pregnant women while they check to see if the fetus … Continue reading Texas Law Would Allow Doctors To Stop Mother’s Heartbeat In Order To Listen For Fetus’

Kevin McCarthy Asks Journalists To Write Party Affiliation as Q-Calif

Kevin McCarthy Announces Republican Party Has Officially Changed Its Name To ‘QAnon’

While talking to reporters outside of the United States Capitol today, House Republican Leader Kevin McCarthy told journalists that he would appreciate it if they would refer to members of the Republican party as ‘QAnon’ from here on out. “As … Continue reading Kevin McCarthy Announces Republican Party Has Officially Changed Its Name To ‘QAnon’

Facebook Instagram threatens to charge users fee share secrets information

Facebook Threatens To Charge Users A Fee If They Don’t Share Their ‘Deepest, Darkest Secret’

Users of both Facebook and Instagram have reportedly been receiving a pop-up agreement with a cryptic message giving them the option to either share their worst secret, or be charged a fee to continue using the social media platforms. “To … Continue reading Facebook Threatens To Charge Users A Fee If They Don’t Share Their ‘Deepest, Darkest Secret’

house bill forces stand for rainbow flag and kiss same sex sports

Equality Bill Would Force All Americans To Salute Rainbow Flag Before Sporting Events

A Republican nightmare is unfolding as House Democrats passed a bill today that would require all US citizens to stand and salute the rainbow flag before every sporting event. The move comes just days after it became mandatory for US … Continue reading Equality Bill Would Force All Americans To Salute Rainbow Flag Before Sporting Events

Brett Favre Dick Pick Tattoo

Brett Favre Reveals New ‘Shut Up About Politics’ Tattoo In Latest Dick Pic

Just hours after declaring that athletes should keep personal politics out of sports, former NFL quarterback Brett Favre sent a series of unsolicited sexual photos to several female sports journalists at both CNN and Fox News. According to recipients, the … Continue reading Brett Favre Reveals New ‘Shut Up About Politics’ Tattoo In Latest Dick Pic

Taylor Swift Album of Only Farts Goes Platinum

Taylor Swift’s New Album of Only Fart Noises Goes Platinum in Just 10 Minutes

Proving that Taylor Swift fans will buy anything she puts out, the singer’s newest album – which is comprised of just her farting – went platinum in only 10 minutes. Titled ‘Squeak Now,’ Swift’s latest album features farting that lasts … Continue reading Taylor Swift’s New Album of Only Fart Noises Goes Platinum in Just 10 Minutes

Civil War 'Unlikely' as Most Trump Supporters Are Sick With COVID

Civil War ‘Unlikely’ as Most Trump Supporters Are Sick With COVID

Looking to ease the nation’s worries that the United States is on the brink of civil war, historians have come together to point out that too many Trump supporters have gotten COVID for the modern day South to physically rise … Continue reading Civil War ‘Unlikely’ as Most Trump Supporters Are Sick With COVID

Jerry Springer to Moderate next presidential debate

Jerry Springer to Moderate Next Presidential Debate With Steve Wilkos as Security

The next presidential debate has been officially rebranded as ‘The 2020 Presidential Debate With Jerry Springer,’ as the former TV show host and pseudo-celebrity is set to moderate. The Commission on Presidential Debates confirmed that the October 15th Miami debate … Continue reading Jerry Springer to Moderate Next Presidential Debate With Steve Wilkos as Security

Rand Paul licks and slobbers on doorknob while encouraging americans to achieve herd immunity

Rand Paul Licks & Slobbers on Door Handle While Encouraging Americans to Achieve Herd Immunity

Senator Rand Paul incorrectly asserted today that New York City has achieved herd immunity from COVID-19 and that the rest of the US should follow suit. Paul then proceeded to get down on his knees to lick and slobber on … Continue reading Rand Paul Licks & Slobbers on Door Handle While Encouraging Americans to Achieve Herd Immunity

Trump Enacts Waiting Period, Background Checks on Purchase of Bumble Bee Tuna

Emphasizing that they’re the perfect size and weight to throw at police officers, Donald Trump signed an executive order today placing a 10-day waiting period on the purchase of Bumble Bee tuna across the country. The new law also requires … Continue reading Trump Enacts Waiting Period, Background Checks on Purchase of Bumble Bee Tuna

Donald Trump Releases Book Titled My Struggle Banned in Germany

Trump’s New Book ‘My Struggle’ Already Banned in Germany

The White House announced the release of Donald Trump’s new, pre-election book titled My Struggle today, prompting the country of Germany to ban the paperback instantly. White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that, despite strong pushback, the book will … Continue reading Trump’s New Book ‘My Struggle’ Already Banned in Germany

Kardashians void contract mostly plastic

Kardashian Contract Voided After E! Says Family Is More Plastic Than Human

E! cable network says the Jenners and Kardashians have voided their own contracts for Keeping Up With the Kardashians after recent surgeries resulted in the families being comprised of more than 50% plastic parts. “Our network signed a contract with … Continue reading Kardashian Contract Voided After E! Says Family Is More Plastic Than Human

Nancy Pelosi butthole waxed haircut blowout

Backdoor Business: Nancy Pelosi Caught Getting Anus Waxed Day After Blowout

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was caught on back to back days having businesses in San Francisco illegally style and remove hair from both her head and her anus. Pelosi says that she was tricked into receiving both services … Continue reading Backdoor Business: Nancy Pelosi Caught Getting Anus Waxed Day After Blowout

Smash Mouth False Flag COVID 100 Cases

False Flag: Media Claims 100+ People Willingly Attended a Smash Mouth Concert & Got COVID

The band Smash Mouth is being blamed for more than 100 COVID-19 cases after they performed at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota on August 9th. Despite social distancing and mask wearing not being enforced at the event, truth … Continue reading False Flag: Media Claims 100+ People Willingly Attended a Smash Mouth Concert & Got COVID

Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®

A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after … Continue reading Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®