Donald Trump claims to have narrowly survived 13 assassination attempts within 24 hours at the hands of Taylor Swift fans. The chaos began several hours after Trump posted, “I hate Taylor Swift,” on social media, igniting a firestorm online that … Continue reading Taylor Swift Tells Swifties “Stand Back & Stand By” After Trump Survives 13 Assassination Attempts in 24 Hours
🛑 WHAT IF ONLY 25% OF US STOPPED RENTING FOR A JUST COUPLE MONTHS? Here’s a thought: a lot of us are just a bad month or two away from homelessness anyway. Instead of paying outrageous rent, what if 25% … Continue reading What If We Stopped Renting? How 25% of Renters Could Force Change in the Housing Market in Just Months
In a shocking turn of events, J.D. Vance has abruptly ended his bid to be Donald Trump’s vice-presidential running mate upon discovering a crucial piece of … Continue reading JD Vance Drops Out As VP After Learning Trump Isn’t Oversized, Rustic Burnt Sienna Love Seat
In an unprecedented and shocking revelation, a team of top scientists from various esteemed institutions have confirmed what many have long suspected: our universe is, in fact, a meticulously crafted hellscape that seems to have been specifically designed to maximize … Continue reading BREAKING: Study Proves Reality is a Fabricated Hell with Just Enough Intelligence to Notice but Not Enough to Fix Anything
In a stunning display of insensitivity, Pope Francis has managed to offend one of the most cherished communities in the world by referring to athletes at the 2024 Special Olympics as “retards.” The pontiff, who had previously been known for … Continue reading Pope Francis Calls Special Olympics Athletes ‘R-Word’
Washington, D.C. — In a surprising turn of events on Capitol Hill, conservatives are pushing to pass gun control legislation with the newly proposed H.U.S.H. act. The bill, which would require all guns sold in the United States to be … Continue reading Conservatives Propose Mandatory Silencers To Limit Panic During Mass Shootings
In a bizarre twist of events, former President Donald J. Trump found himself in a hot spot as his pants caught fire while attempting to burn the letter he received from Jack Smith. What began as a fiery act of … Continue reading Trump’s Pants Catch Fire While Burning Letter From Jack Smith
The newly-ousted former head of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg told reporters through teary eyes today that he had likely been permanently banned from his own social media platform and company. Zuckerberg, who stole the Facebook platform back in January of 2004, … Continue reading Mark Zuckerberg Banned & Fired From Facebook For Post After His Own AI Takes Over Company
Shortly after famous signer-songwriter Elton John announced his departure from Twitter, Elon Musk said he wrote a “new, personal, and introspective version” of the musician’s hit song ‘Rocket Man’ as sung from Elon’s perspective. Here are the lyrics and accompanying … Continue reading Elon Musk Writes New Version of Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man’ After Iconic Musician Leaves Twitter
Elon Musk announced today that the remaining 17 employees at Twitter have been working day and night to finish a software update that will help users to insult other people on the platform with more creativity. “It’s kind of like … Continue reading New Twitter Update Will Add An Animated Bird That Suggests Slurs & Insults To Spice Up Your Tweets
President Trump held a surprise rally late this morning in which Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, and Jared Fogle all appeared on stage with him. When asked to explain why they were all there, Trump tried to skirt the issue. “Putin? … Continue reading Trump Says He Was ‘Unaware’ That Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un & Jared Fogle Would Take The Stage With Him
Donald Trump is in hot water today after asking why there isn’t a “White Friday” on Truth Social. Trump’s post read: “How come every year it’s Black Friday? Always with the Black. When are we going to have White Friday!? … Continue reading Donald Trump Just Asked: ‘Why Don’t We Have A White Friday!?’
Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell told reporters early this morning that Republicans in Congress plan to introduce a bill that would require all Walmart locations to have a mass shooting condolence card section within the store. “It’s the least we can … Continue reading Republicans Push For ‘Mass Shooting Condolence Cards’ Section In Every Walmart
Caitlyn Jenner found out today that she is not allowed to use the men’s or women’s restrooms at Fox News. Instead, Jenner was told by executives at her new place of work to leave the building and go use the … Continue reading Fox News Forces Caitlyn Jenner To Use A Bathroom At The Pizzeria Across The Street
The United States Supreme Court ruled today that Colorado web designer Lorie Smith, who is refusing to serve gay customers, must put a sign in her store window that reads “No Gays” or “Heterosexuals Only” if she wants to retain … Continue reading Supreme Court Says Web Designer Refusing To Serve LGBTQ+ Must Display “No Gays!” Sign In Window
Kanye West revealed today that his upcoming album Donda 2 will be released in an all-new file format that Ye says he himself invented. “It’s called ‘.K-I-M’ and you spell it out when you say it,” Kanye stated. “Don’t call … Continue reading Donda 2 Will Be In New File Format ‘.KIM’ That Can Only Be Read By Kanye’s Stem Device
After spending most of his Sunday morning trashing Pete Davidson on his Instagram account, Kanye West admitted that he was responsible for an airplane that was seen flying toward the Super Bowl with a “Fuck Pete Davidson” banner. Authorities say … Continue reading Kanye West’s Plane With ‘Fuck Pete Davidson’ Banner Diverted From Super Bowl Airspace
President Joe Biden spoke with Russian president Vladimir Putin today in an effort to de-escalate incredibly high tensions surrounding what looked to be an inevitable invasion of Ukraine. As the two men were nearing the end of what seemed like … Continue reading Loud Biden Fart Makes Putin Smile For First Time In Years & Call Off Ukraine Invasion
