“It’s not uncommon for the President to fart himself awake. Then, when he can’t fall back asleep, Mr. Trump passes the time on Twitter.”
“This is Trump’s 4th fake marriage, but the first one that makes sense.”
“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders
“You’ve got some bad drivers down here in Opelika!”
“It’s convoluted as [expletive]!” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “The document obsesses over mechanical pencils and references outdated world news without context, but oddly enough everything ‘Trump’ now makes sense.”
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
“HOLD THE DATE! We will be having one of the largest gatherings in the history of Washington State,” Trump wrote. “There will be a rainbow of fireworks, the best drag queens – only the best – and the first ever reading of the US Constitution by your favorite President, me!”
A White House official has confirmed that President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency on Friday in order to both fund the border wall and melt down the Statue of Liberty to use as construction material. “The President is making a smart move here by using materials that we already have available to lower […]
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”
“Nick will be up there competing for the same oxygen supply as the President for roughly an hour.”
Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.”
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #Disgraceful.
“Jim just got front row seats to Broadway’s shit musical ‘Adolph Twitler: The Fuckface von Clownstick Story’
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.
“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.”
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones.
“It appears that he was not remotely aware of the situation and still probably isn’t.”
“These kids aren’t fully investing themselves in the vibrant artistic expression and riveting stories.” – Jane Meyers, Head of Stanford’s Sex & Gender Studies
“The president had been taking Viagra six times a day – one pill with every meal.” – Rudy Giuliani
“I make great deals, okay? This deal is really phenomenal on the surface. It’s a wonderful, superficial deal,” Trump said.
“The first idea that it runs into is the decision that we go with.” – Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross
Nigerian fans brought 2,500 colorfully-painted, live chickens into Russia’s Kaliningrad Stadium.
‘MAGA’ is a unisex perfume boasting liquefied $100 bills as a key ingredient.
This was a direct response to outcry from PETA regarding changes in Alaskan hunting regulations which would…
Obama suggests Trump could have avoided many scandals with one trick.
A painting by President George W. Bush shows his prediction of the future.
“Those familiar with the Bible will immediately know that this is The Mark of the Beast,” stated Carson while steepling his fingers and arching his eyebrows.
“I hate to say this folks, but it’s to the point where we may have to make something up.”
Law now outlaws sale of guns in America.