A White House official has confirmed that President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency on Friday in order to both fund the border wall and melt down the Statue of Liberty to use as construction material. “The President is making a smart move here by using materials that we already have available to lower […]
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”
“Nick will be up there competing for the same oxygen supply as the President for roughly an hour.”
Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.”
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #Disgraceful.
“Jim just got front row seats to Broadway’s shit musical ‘Adolph Twitler: The Fuckface von Clownstick Story’
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.
“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.”
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones.
“It appears that he was not remotely aware of the situation and still probably isn’t.”
“These kids aren’t fully investing themselves in the vibrant artistic expression and riveting stories.” – Jane Meyers, Head of Stanford’s Sex & Gender Studies
“The president had been taking Viagra six times a day – one pill with every meal.” – Rudy Giuliani
“I make great deals, okay? This deal is really phenomenal on the surface. It’s a wonderful, superficial deal,” Trump said.
“The first idea that it runs into is the decision that we go with.” – Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross
Nigerian fans brought 2,500 colorfully-painted, live chickens into Russia’s Kaliningrad Stadium.
‘MAGA’ is a unisex perfume boasting liquefied $100 bills as a key ingredient.
This was a direct response to outcry from PETA regarding changes in Alaskan hunting regulations which would…
Obama suggests Trump could have avoided many scandals with one trick.
A painting by President George W. Bush shows his prediction of the future.
“Those familiar with the Bible will immediately know that this is The Mark of the Beast,” stated Carson while steepling his fingers and arching his eyebrows.
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
“I hate to say this folks, but it’s to the point where we may have to make something up.”
Law now outlaws sale of guns in America.
The president’s internal struggle has become quite tangible. #MindOverMatter
“Aggression toward the president grew incrementally,” said head ATRI researcher Kaito Nakamura.
President Donald Trump is furious that he hasn’t received a gift from Santa since 2000 – when he was 54 years old.
“We estimate that he was out cold with water in his lungs for about 2 minutes.”
“I’m going to be SO transparent that you will be like: ‘Hey! Where is he? Where did Donald go!?’
In an emotional response, U.S. President Donald Trump has tweeted a well-thought-out message to the world regarding the alarming missile launch today over Japan: