After taking over 5,200 photographs of male genetalia, experts at Cornell University have released a computer-generated image of what the average male penis looks like. This is an image of the most basic dick: Advertisements
Black Americans across the country are seriously considering risking their lives by staging and open carry rally outside of the White House. While still in the early planning stages, the group would hold the gathering in order to get president Trump to pass gun control legislation. “It worked when the Black Panthers open carried in California,” gun control advocate Terrell Jenkins stated. “In fact, Ronald Reagan passed the Mulford Act banning the public carrying of loaded guns while he was governor in that state.” As of press time most political scholars believe that president Trump would enforce strict gun laws if the black community holds an open carry rally anywhere near the White House. Meanwhile, the NRA has called for background checks and waiting periods for all Americans who are trying to purchase a firearm. “It just kind of clicked for us all of a sudden,” NRA President Carolyn Meadows stated. “We get it now.” photo credit Lorie Shaull
President Donald Trump is furious that he hasn’t received a gift from Santa since 2000 – when he was 54 years old.
Hellbent on completing their witch hunt in a timely manner, Democrats showed up at Donald Trump’s rally in Battle Creek, Michigan tonight; torches in hand. The mob burst on stage, interrupting Trump who was honoring a military dog. The president was quickly stripped of his clothes and laid out on the floor as Democrats lined up with heavy rocks to stack on Trump’s chest. Rally-goers, who were asked to leave their firearms outside of the event, could only watch in horror as Nancy Pelosi, Steny Hoyer, and other House Democrats piled rock after rock; causing the president to audibly expel copious amounts of gas. As of press time, a pyramid of at least 30 rocks had already been amassed on top of Trump’s man-boobs and rotund belly.
While taking questions from the press outside of 10 Downing Street, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson shocked the crowd when he offered to teach Donald Trump how to win an election. “I’ll show Mr. Trump how it’s done without foreign help. I’ll be his tutor.” A disheveled, grinning Johnson stated. “We can both be abrasive pricks and still win elections.” In response, president Trump declined Johnson’s offer telling reporters, “Gotta love Boris! Crazy Boris! Someone tell him ‘Thanks for the offer and congrats on the win, but I’m already working with another country’.”
North Korea has been hit with the toughest US sanctions yet after Kim Jong-un revealed he has an arsenal of insults from an 1811 English dictionary ready to launch at president Trump at a moment’s notice. “We’ve got flapdoodle, gibfaced hedge-creeper, and a jollocksed mutton shunter all locked and loaded,” Jong-un confirmed. “That pigeon-livered, rat-brained hornswoggler has no idea what’s coming!”
It’s the most productive day of the year: National Cocaine Day! Celebrated the first Wednesday of December, the US Labor Department says the holiday typically produces six times the normal work output. To mark the day, a fast-talking, wide-eyed president Trump delivered an energetic, rambling speech before inviting Mike Pence to snort a line of coke out of his ass crack on national television. “I’m going to drop ’em Mike!” Trump yelled while tugging down on his pants.” Before a bright red and sweaty Pence could reluctantly decline the offer, Trump had already yanked his pants off on the White House’s West Lawn; exposing his lightly soiled, off-white underwear.