Hard seltzer brands are enjoying what’s being called ‘The Summer of Seltzer’ as millions of barbaric Americans have come to terms with the fact that they don’t deserve nice things. These tasteless people have purchased so much of the carbonated-piss-water that there’s even a shortage of the borderline-flavorless White Claw brand. “Basic bitches are realizing that they don’t deserve anything more than a can of bubbly downers with vague suggestions of flavor,” White Claw CEO Anthony von Mandl stated. “In an otherwise bland world of blah bullshit, White Claw offers a nearly undetectable tinge of taste that still manages to be brighter than your tragic, pointless life.” Advertisements
Those who take prescription drugs made by Pfizer will not be able to notice the difference.
With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering down might be the wisest decision. “For me, it looks like the depression will be coming right at me from two fronts,” stated Jenny Schwartz of Baltimore, Maryland. “My Bible-thumping, morbidly obese Aunt Cheryl from The South, and my condescending, evil mother-in-law Debbie will approach from The North. They will coalesce on my front lawn around 2:00 PM on Sunday, July 3rd,” said Schwartz. “So this year, despite sending invitations, I am going to pretend to be dead if anyone rings the doorbell or knocks. Fuck these people.” But it’s not just the Eastern seaboard that will be hit hard: experts believe that the strong depression will move westward, impacting the Great Plains and spreading to the West Coast. Chief Meteorologist Brian Busbey of Channel 9 in Kansas City, Kansas described what he expects to occur this holiday season for him. “Hurricane Helen, with her bitch-force opinions, will be crossing the United States from Charlotte, North Carolina to my home,” Busbey stated while drawing arrows and sad faces on a green screen map. “Undoubtedly, this inherent depression will leave me asking many questions, like: ‘Why do I bother cooking or baking anything for these fucking assholes?!?!’” Busbey concluded, “We get it Aunt Helen, ‘Kansas City, Kansas’ sounds stupid, just like everything you fucking say!” Medical experts are already offering tips for how Americans can cope with the inevitable depression. Some key tips include: 1. Have a plan. Be sure to know where the alcohol is, and map out a route to it that allows you to get really liquored-up while avoiding as many unsavory relatives as possible. 2. Set realistic goals. By keeping the bar low, you won’t be blindsided by even more disappointment, resentment, or thoughts of suicide. 3. Exercise. Be sure to exercise your first Amendment right to free speech. You’ll already have alcohol pulsing through your veins for encouragement. So speak up, create a pamphlet of opinions to share, or design a calculated, hurtful sign to hold up in the faces of these assholes. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.
***BREAKING*** (Washington D.C.) The Republican National Committee is openly taking responsibility for the death of front runner presidential candidate Donald Trump. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, immediately spoke out about the decision to kill the candidate. “We feel a loss. There’s no doubt about it,” stated Ryan. “We have hundreds of thousands – millions maybe – of people that support our party. Naturally, we cannot take the shooting of Donald lightly, but you have to understand that we cannot take a risk with someone like him. There’s no way to get the country back from such a gorilla of a man,” stated Ryan. “That being said, we are very happy that the country will be okay. Sure, the Monday morning quarterbacks are going to have opinions, but these are hard calls and the safety of the country is paramount,” said Ryan. Speaker Ryan then concluded his statement on MSNBC, “Overall, it was a terrible, tragic occurrence, much like his entire campaign and the fact that people voted for him. But, when we saw him toying with the future of our children, we had to end him. End it all. Hopefully we can all move on and forget that he ever existed.” The majority of politicians and experts from all over the world responded to the decision with much praise and joy, including President Hollande of France. “Moving forward we hope that America plans to have very different enclosures for potential candidates so that child-like voters cannot venture into a dangerous situation like we have seen here in the 2016 election,” stated Hollande. As of right now, the Democratic National Committee has yet to comment on whether or not they plan to kill either Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders, but they do confirm that they want to find a “peaceful way” to put Debbie Wasserman Schultz to rest. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.
“Stephenson, who has always lived in Naperville, Illinois, is dead sure that she was born and raised in the best place in the entire world. After being part of a poll by the PEW Research Team in which they interviewed nearly 3,200 people, PEW reported that Sarah – age 32 – was the most unwavering and…”
Target has announced that it is going to remove boy and girl labels from various aisles and items – including the toy section of its stores. The move, which will make at least all toys (and bedding) non-gender labeled, has caused an uproar in the United States.
Indeed, it is common knowledge that if we reduce the U.S. Army’s presence in Alaska, from around 84,000 to just over…