Jesus Refuses to Leave His Tomb For First Easter in 2,000 Years

Hoping to set a good example for people across the planet, Jesus Christ announced today that He would not be leaving His cavernous tomb this year in order to celebrate Easter; citing the coronavirus as His main cause for concern. “I may have risen, but I’m staying home because most of my deeds involve multiplying and sharing things or touching people to cure physical ailments – all of which would only work to further spread this virus,” Jesus told reporters while waving his pierced appendages in the air. “I’m a handsy guy.” The Savior went on to explain His new plans for this Easter. “Today, I’m strongly considering putting an end to this coronavirus thing, because I can and could have this whole time,” Jesus told reporters while standing in the entrance of his tomb. “My Dad might have created the virus, but I’m omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent too.” As of press time, many prominent people had already begun to distance themselves from the religious figure, pointing to the fact that Jesus could have prevented the virus from existing in the first place. “It’s one thing to be an aloof deity, but it’s another to be complicit,” a retiring Pope Francis told a shocked audience via his Easter livestream. “I can’t in good conscience continue to worship such a heartless God.”

Excited Trump Shouts ‘I Just Learned Jesus Was Black!’ at Easter Press Conference

At his Easter press conference with reporters this morning, a mind blown president Trump shouted at reporters “I just learned that Jesus was brown or black! Did you know that? I just learned it today. What a time to be alive! Next thing you know they’re gonna tell me that the eggs don’t come from eggplants!” The president continued sharing his thoughts on the matter. “You know when I think of Jesus I just immediately imagine a white man, white glowing light, a white robe, long flowing hair and a chiseled body. You know, a hot white guy. Or something like Jason Momoa in a diaper on a cross, but less ethnic,” Trump explained. “But in reality, Jesus was a dark-skinned, short guy – maybe 5’2″ or 5’3″ – because they were short back then and he had to fit in with the non-aliens.” The president then abruptly changed the topic to the coronavirus, shutting down questions about Easter or Jesus. “We already have a Black History Month and a bunch of black Jesus holidays sprinkled throughout the year,” Trump said while refusing to take reporters’ questions about Jesus. “Do we really need to spend more time on these people when there’s an invisible enemy attacking the country?”

Over 100 Million Eggs Recalled on Easter Over Concerns They’re Making Kids Gay


“Eggland’s Best apologizes if we’ve torn apart any families because of our gay eggs.”

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