“The children’s entertainment and pizza chain explicitly stated that Vice President Mike Pence will not be allowed inside after his furry tail butt plug incident months back.”
In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July.
We can’t have Canada smelling like burnt, used condoms anymore,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated.
“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.”
“Remember, we’re only talking about girth. So if you wanted to tape 7 oversized grapefruits together and play hide the citrus in your [expletive], you could absolutely do that.” Secretary Alex Azar stated.
“The only sexual contact permitted in China for the foreseeable future will be homosexual in nature,” President Jinping stated while intertwining his fingers with NBA star Yao Ming.
Biden was leering at the frail, 85 year old Senator Dianne Feinstein when he uttered the phrase.
Pope Francis’ adult book is entitled ‘The Divinci Load.’
“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated.
“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.”
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
Democrats are trying to persuade Melania Trump to bring the president to mindblowing climax.
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.”
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.”
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
“The investigation is not meant to be a space expedition. Unfortunately, we don’t have a Space Force yet.” – Kellyanne Conway
“He’s found a loophole here and it’s simply stunning.” – Rudy Giuliani
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the […]
“The president had been taking Viagra six times a day – one pill with every meal.” – Rudy Giuliani
Banana sales have increased by 27% in the United States.
“We should always be looking up to God before going down to worship,” said Francis.
“The last time that Tom was this upset was after the 31-0 loss to the Bills in 2003.”
“Dennis is cool. He’s not a weird guy, and he knows a lot about football, but the other guys just didn’t seem comfortable, whatsoever, with his humor,” stated Sorenson…
“I will be abstaining from the locker room, and football i guess, for awhile because God spoke to me and told me that I should stop doing what I’m doing,” said Wilson. ” I told God right then and there that I would..