Congress will ban flavored condom sales as blowjob epidemic grows

YouReadyGrandma

Sucking on flavored condoms has made Mike Pence ill and killed at least six people after they choked on the prophylactics. In response, Congress is readying a ban on the tasty dick wrappers amid an unparalleled outbreak of safe oral sex. “Dick, and sucking on it, becomes much more appealing when the penis tastes like a banana or cotton candy,” Mike Pence stated. “But whatever is used to make the cock so delicious is corrupting and poisoning our teens.” The FDA is now finalizing rules to remove all non-penis flavors of condoms from the market within 30 days. Companies like Trojan and Durex might be able to reintroduce their dick-enhancing flavors at a later date if they submit a formal application and receive taste testing approval from Mike Pence. Advertisements

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Un-Holy Cow! Chick-fil-A ads get dirty after KFC introduces sexy Colonel Sanders

YouReadyGrandma

Fast food chains have lost their minds and Chick-fil-A is no exception. Just yesterday Kentucky Fried Chicken revealed a hot, young and sexy Colonel Sanders and now Chick-fil-A is putting it all on the table with its new “Eat Mor Ass.” campaign. “It’s pretty simple,” CEO Dan Cathy stated. “We tell people to lick each other’s buttholes and then those same people come and pay to eat our chicken. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not, sex sells!” Photo Credit Phillip Pessar, Mark Turnauckas, KFC

Mike Pence, Other Furries Banned From All Chuck E. Cheese’s

YouReadyGrandma

“The children’s entertainment and pizza chain explicitly stated that Vice President Mike Pence will not be allowed inside after his furry tail butt plug incident months back.”

Target Adds BDSM Section Next to Electronics

YouReadyGrandma

In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July.

Canada Will Ban All Single-Use Condoms by 2021

YouReadyGrandma

We can’t have Canada smelling like burnt, used condoms anymore,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated.

Study: Guys Use 3X More Lotion Than Girls, and Yes, You Know Why

YouReadyGrandma

“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.”

US Dept. Of Health: ‘Never Stick Anything Larger than a Grapefruit Up Your Butt’

YouReadyGrandma

“Remember, we’re only talking about girth. So if you wanted to tape 7 oversized grapefruits together and play hide the citrus in your [expletive], you could absolutely do that.” Secretary Alex Azar stated.

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