Sucking on flavored condoms has made Mike Pence ill and killed at least six people after they choked on the prophylactics. In response, Congress is readying a ban on the tasty dick wrappers amid an unparalleled outbreak of safe oral sex. “Dick, and sucking on it, becomes much more appealing when the penis tastes like a banana or cotton candy,” Mike Pence stated. “But whatever is used to make the cock so delicious is corrupting and poisoning our teens.” The FDA is now finalizing rules to remove all non-penis flavors of condoms from the market within 30 days. Companies like Trojan and Durex might be able to reintroduce their dick-enhancing flavors at a later date if they submit a formal application and receive taste testing approval from Mike Pence. Advertisements
Fast food chains have lost their minds and Chick-fil-A is no exception. Just yesterday Kentucky Fried Chicken revealed a hot, young and sexy Colonel Sanders and now Chick-fil-A is putting it all on the table with its new “Eat Mor Ass.” campaign. “It’s pretty simple,” CEO Dan Cathy stated. “We tell people to lick each other’s buttholes and then those same people come and pay to eat our chicken. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not, sex sells!” Photo Credit Phillip Pessar, Mark Turnauckas, KFC
“The children’s entertainment and pizza chain explicitly stated that Vice President Mike Pence will not be allowed inside after his furry tail butt plug incident months back.”
In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July.
We can’t have Canada smelling like burnt, used condoms anymore,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated.
“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.”
“Remember, we’re only talking about girth. So if you wanted to tape 7 oversized grapefruits together and play hide the citrus in your [expletive], you could absolutely do that.” Secretary Alex Azar stated.