Tinder Bans All Soccer Fans For Seeking Slow, Boring Relationships With Little To No Scoring

Brazil soccer enthusiast Pedro Silva says his Tinder profile was banned today after the dating app announced it would no longer allow soccer fans to have an account. Experts say that Silva is among the more than 3.4 billion people that Tinder has either kicked off the app or banned preemptively to avoid allowing the platform to become “incredibly boring and pointless.”

A Tinder spokesperson talked to reporters.

“At first we just shadow banned them,” the Tinder PR employee stated. “Then we realized that they were still getting exactly what they wanted. Which is to basically be happy with boredom, little to no action, and – often times – no scoring over a long period of time. So then we straight up banned them.”

Silva says that if he or his fellow fans seem upset that they’re only pretending to be hurt.

“It’s been so long that I can’t remember the last time I scored, and I’m totally okay with that,” Silva confirmed. “I’m fine with my next relationship ending in a 0-0 orgasm tie between my partner and I because what I’m looking for is a time-wasting, long-lasting affair in which 95% of the action is actually just wasted effort that doesn’t lead to anything substantial.”

Silva says that if at any point he seems to be hurt by his next partner, that he’s once again just faking it for attention or manipulation.

“I often use acting to exaggerate the amount of physical contact that is happening in my dating life to make things more interesting; especially when I’m in front of friends who don’t like soccer,” Silva stated. “This is how I get them to still find me interesting.”

Silva explained more about his approach to courtship.

“In a normal relationship, when both parties see that time is up and it’s over, then you’re done. But for me, I always like to linger. To add a few extra days on the end because I want to keep not having sex for even longer.”

When asked if there was anything that could possibly make soccer or his sex life more exciting, Silva stated that he’d been curious since his teenage years to see what it’s like to play with two balls at the same time.

As of press time experts were expressing concern that, because there were so many soccer fans in the world, the population could easily be cut in half by 2075 should the sport not be banned soon.

Photo Credit Ben Tavener

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