A section of South Ocean Boulevard in Palm Beach, Florida – the road that lead’s to Trump’s Mar-a-Lago – was renamed ‘Racist’s Way’ today by local Mayor Gail Coniglio. Coniglio says the renaming serves as both a rebuke of the president and an appropriate welcome; letting Trump’s guests know that they are indeed headed toward his Florida home. Notably the change, which also gave Trump’s home a new street number, happened on the same day that D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser renamed part of 16th Street near the White House ‘Black Lives Matter Plaza’. As of press time the president had yet to comment on how he felt about receiving mail at his new address of 666 Racist’s Way.
Political experts announced today that the number of right wing COVID-deniers, conservative beach-goers, and self-proclaimed “liberators” in Florida is high enough to flip the state blue in the 2020 election – but it’s for a morbid reason. “Unfortunately we’re about to see a lot of morons die in Florida,” Stanford Political Science Professor Susan Watkins stated. “There’s no other way to put it. Within the next month, as these unfathomably ignorant people succumb to the virus, it’s safe to say that Florida will become a blue state.” In response, the Trump administration is beginning to call for early voting in Florida to start as soon as next week so that more conservatives in the state have a chance to vote before they die. The president has also made a complete 180-degree turn and started pushing for mail-in ballots, despite his own claims that the voting method is easily tampered with.
The swing state of Florida, which is home to the notorious “Florida Man” constituency, is about to be hit by category-4 Hurricane Dorian. In an attempt to keep as many of his inept voters alive and happy, President Trump is sending $1.3 billion in disaster relief to the state. “Without the Florida Man vote we won’t be able to win in 2020,” Trump campaign manager Brad Parscale confirmed. “Like much of our base, these magnificent creatures are highly driven, skittish and vapid men, so we’ll do everything we can to protect The Sunshine State.”
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”