WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “a confession in legislative form,” Donald Trump signed an executive order today lowering the federal age of consent to 10 years old. The decree retroactively changes the law beginning in 1946 … Continue reading Trump Signs Executive Order Retroactively Lowering Age of Consent to 10
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a 6–3 decision along political lines, the Supreme Court ruled today that non-consensual cosmetic surgery on male infant genitals remains fully legal, “so long as it’s done before the child can talk, walk, or scream ‘No!’” … Continue reading Supreme Court Confirms Parents’ Right to Remove Part of Child’s Penis for Non-Medical Reasons
2 in 3 ICE Hires Came From Targeted Ads on Dating Apps for Men With Zero Matches Lynchburg, Virginia — A new study released by Liberty University reveals that over 80% of Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents chose the … Continue reading Study Finds 83% of ICE Agents Took the Job Because Raids Are the Only Time They Get to Touch Women
President Trump is refusing to recall nearly 37 million bananas after discovering that genetically modified seeds had retained penile DNA as the result of a laboratory incident involving lewd acts between Trump’s Head of the FDA, Martin Makary, and a … Continue reading Trump Refuses to Recall 37 Million Bananas Containing Head of FDA’s Penis DNA
In a shocking twist that left both political analysts and the LGBTQIA community stunned, President Donald Trump held a press conference today to strongly oppose Florida’s controversial HB-1776, a proposed bill that would prohibit those assigned male at birth from … Continue reading Trump Opposes FL Bill Banning Men From Wearing Makeup, Unveils Own Cosmetics Line
WASHINGTON, D.C. — After years of pearl-clutching over pronouns and endless legislation aimed at banning “woke ideology,” Republicans have finally admitted the truth: none of it was ever about protecting “traditional values.” It was about one thing and one thing … Continue reading GOP Admits Pronoun Debate Was Just to Get Lindsey Graham to Stop Saying “She Crazy!” About Trump & Referring to Marjorie Taylor Greene as “He”
Men across the globe are abandoning meat overnight after a groundbreaking Harvard University study revealed that a healthy, plant-based diet is directly linked to increased blood flow, penis size, and harder erections. The study found that 89% of men who … Continue reading BREAKING: Most Men Worldwide Convert to Veganism After Study Shows Diet Increases Penis Size
In a discovery that has completely reshaped online dating culture (and dramatically reduced unsolicited dick pics), scientists have revealed a simple test that may hint at a man’s… proportions. A study found that men with mismatched length index and ring fingers … Continue reading Dating Apps, DMs Flooded With Hand Pics After Science Confirms Strong Correlation Between Finger Length & Penis Size
(And Maybe Even Become Your New Breast Friend!) Zoom has partnered with Pornhub to release a new feature aimed at helping citizens in Florida, Arkansas, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Texas, Utah, and Virginia … Continue reading New Zoom Feature Bypasses Porn ID Law: Screen-Sharing Samaritans Will Help You Get Off
In a stunning reversal, former President Donald Trump announced today that he was rescinding his appointment of Congressman Matt Gaetz as Attorney General, citing what he called a “small misreading of handwritten notes.” “I didn’t mean the Attorney General,” Trump clarified in … Continue reading Trump Revokes Matt Gaetz Attorney General Appointment, Says He Meant Gaetz ‘Needs an Attorney, in General’
In a shocking turn of events, J.D. Vance has abruptly ended his bid to be Donald Trump’s vice-presidential running mate upon discovering a crucial piece of … Continue reading JD Vance Drops Out As VP After Learning Trump Isn’t Oversized, Rustic Burnt Sienna Love Seat
Brazil soccer enthusiast Pedro Silva says his Tinder profile was banned today after the dating app announced it would no longer allow soccer fans to have an account. Experts say that Silva is among the more than 3.4 billion people … Continue reading Tinder Bans All Soccer Fans For Seeking Slow, Boring Relationships With Little To No Scoring
President Trump held a surprise rally late this morning in which Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un, and Jared Fogle all appeared on stage with him. When asked to explain why they were all there, Trump tried to skirt the issue. “Putin? … Continue reading Trump Says He Was ‘Unaware’ That Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong-un & Jared Fogle Would Take The Stage With Him
A 16-Year-Old who is in the care of Florida child welfare authorities has been told that she “lacks the maturity” to have an abortion, but that she is “old enough” to date US House representative Matt Gaetz. The ruling was … Continue reading FL Court Says 16-Year-Old ‘Too Immature’ To Have Abortion, But Old Enough To Date Matt Gaetz
Reports are pouring in that University of Michigan football players are almost exclusively having unprotected sex ever since head coach Jim Harbaugh announced that he would gladly raise any of their unwanted babies. According to some players, Harbaugh was absolutely … Continue reading Spike In Michigan Football Players Having Unprotected Sex & STDs After Coach Says He’ll Raise Any Unwanted Babies
House minority leader Kevin McCarthy once again denied claims today from Madison Cawthorn that he was invited to sex and drug parties by fellow members of the Republican party. McCarthy specifically told reporters that even if such parties existed, Cawthorn certainly … Continue reading Republicans Deny Madison Cawthorn Was Invited To Sex & Drug Parties: ‘We’re All Too Old To Move His Body’
Pope Francis gave a Valentine’s Day sermon at St. Peter’s Basilica today in which he asked couples to welcome single people – especially strangers – into their bedroom. The surprising suggestion has many asking if the religious leader is doing … Continue reading Lonely Pope Encourages Couples to Invite Single People for a Ménage à Trois on Valentine’s Day
