Bewildered by their political counterparts, Senate Democrats voted today to form a new commission that will hopefully help them to understand exactly how Republicans are able to live with themselves. Referred to as the F.A.C.T.S. Commission – short for Finding Acceptance for Conservatives and Their Scandals – Democrats say the new agency will take on one issue at a time in order to “try to learn how Republicans can even sleep at night.” According to Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, the first order of business for the new commission will be understanding how Republicans can morally justify not wanting to investigate the January 6th Capitol insurrection. When reached for comment on the new commission, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said he was “not a fan of F.A.C.T.S.” “As far as the Republican Party is concerned there’s absolutely no place for F.A.C.T.S. on the Senate floor,” McConnell mumbled. “It will be a cold day in hell when we let things like F.A.C.T.S. distract us from our agenda.” As of press time McConnell was forming his own commission to counter F.A.C.T.S. called the Commission On Vindicating Every Republican Upholding Peace, or C.O.V.E.R.U.P. Photo credit Kimberly Vardeman
Mitch McConnell (R-KY) was seen hypnotizing fellow Republicans on the Senate floor today with the clear goal of making them feel okay with voting ‘no’ on the January 6th commission. “Voting against the Capitol insurrection investigation in no way implies that Republicans are admitting guilt – or trying to cover up anything,” McConnell uttered into a microphone before pulling out a pocket watch on a chain. Now that he had everyone’s attention, McConnell began the hypnosis by slowly swinging the watch back and forth. “You’re getting sleepy. Very sleepy,” McConnell mumbled. “I want you to close your eyes and I’m going to count backward from ten. When I snap my fingers you will find yourself in a deep state of relaxation; like when you hear that an inmate on death row was killed, or how it feels to rest your head on a My Pillow at night.” McConnell counted down and then snapped his fingers; leaving the Senators in a trance. “Now, repeat after me,” McConnell muttered. “Saying ‘no’ to the January 6th commission doesn’t imply we’re guilty of anything. Saying ‘no’ to the January 6th commission doesn’t imply we’re guilty of anything. Saying ‘no’ to the January 6th commission doesn’t imply we’re guilty of anything.” Their voices echoed throughout the Senate chamber. After nearly 15 minutes of chanting, McConnell released the Senators from the hypnosis by whispering “They’re coming for your guns” – causing every Republican in the room to snap back to their skewed version of reality.
In a concerted effort to distance themselves from Donald Trump, a group of over 120 conservative politicians held a Zoom call this week to discuss creating a third party called ‘Republicans Against Trump’ (RATs). The party is described as “basically the same, but far, far less overt in their racism.” Notably, Senator Mitch McConnell was just one of the high-ranking politicians who has taken the lead in the RATs movement. “Simply put, there’s no place for Mr. Trump’s anything-but-subtle racism. He’s hijacked the Republican party by repeatedly saying the quiet part out loud,” Mitch McConnell told reporters. “They call it a ‘dog whistle’ because not everyone is supposed to hear it, but Donald might as well be shouting the N-word from the rooftops.” McConnell says that his fellow RATs plan to focus on issues such as enhancing voter suppression among minorities, blocking any immigration by brown people, and supporting the caging of children while pushing for the deportation of their parents. “As RATs, we are very serious about this. We want to separate ourselves from Donald Trump just as much as we want to separate those children from their parents,” McConnell stated. Photo credit Gage Skidmore.
After months of back and forth over what to provide in a stimulus package for the American people, Congress has finally managed to pass a bill that will offer every family a pizza party and a free copy of Shrek 3. According to Senator Mitch McConnell, another option that Congress was considering included a coupon for free chips and guacamole at Chipotle. “Besides the free, authentic Mexican food we also toyed with the idea of simply sending a dildo with a letter telling Americans to go fuck themselves,” McConnell laughed. “And in the end that’s essentially what we’ve done here.” When pressed for details on the pizza party, McConnell admitted that they will just be sending a 15-count bag of Totino’s Pepperoni Pizza Rolls™ to citizens. Notably, McConnell says they will be sending out the pizza rolls despite lacking the funds to keep the food frozen. “If anything this will help starving families heat these delicious and nutritious morsels even faster,” McConnell smiled. “What a treat!”
Republicans began Saturday’s impeachment hearing by allowing the president to enter the chamber, drape an American flag on the Senate floor, drop his pants, shuffle his body over the flag, and take a sizable shit. The spectacle took place while ‘America the Beautiful’ played over the speaker system. Experts are calling the president’s poop both a “power move” and “a solid representation of the Republican legal defense.” Within minutes the smell of feces in the room became so unbearable that McConnell had a staffer locate a lighter. The Senator then set the flag aflame while blaming Democrats for the unbearably rank odor.
With Mitch McConnell’s push for a late night impeachment trial, herpetologists everywhere have begun speculating that the Senator is likely part desert tortoise. “The desert tortoise is known for sleeping underground throughout most of the day and then crawling out during the cooler afternoon and nighttime hours,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. Tortoise experts everywhere agree that this seems to be the case with McConnell. “In common public opinion, tortoises are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.” Fellow Republicans say they plan to slowly roll McConnell on his back tomorrow to determine his sex. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
An investigation is underway after Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was severely injured moments after opening a package that contained several plastic bags and straws. McConnell, like most turtles, tried to put the foreign objects in his mouth to gain an understanding of what they were. Instead of learning anything, McConnell ended up nearly choking to death on a plastic bag while lodging a straw firmly up his nose. To make matters worse, the Senator is now scared and refusing to let anyone remove the plastic from his bleeding nasal cavity. Additionally, authorities say they likely won’t be able to press any charges if the mailer of the package is identified. “There’s nothing illegal about sending someone straws and bags, we just want to talk to this person.” Kentucky Attorney General Daniel Cameron stated. “It’s weird, but it’s not illegal. If anything I’m more concerned about Mr. McConnell. I think we all are.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore