President Trump’s approval rating amongst the left jumped from 7.2% to 42.7% after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a new, deadly, and unmatched hypersonic weapon yesterday. Democrats now admit that Trump’s submissive and subservient approach with Russia makes perfect sense. According to Putin the new, terrifying missile can reach a velocity 27 times faster than the speed of sound, hit any part of the planet, and cannot be destroyed by modern anti-missile defense systems. What do you think? Advertisements
Hellbent on completing their witch hunt in a timely manner, Democrats showed up at Donald Trump’s rally in Battle Creek, Michigan tonight; torches in hand. The mob burst on stage, interrupting Trump who was honoring a military dog. The president was quickly stripped of his clothes and laid out on the floor as Democrats lined up with heavy rocks to stack on Trump’s chest. Rally-goers, who were asked to leave their firearms outside of the event, could only watch in horror as Nancy Pelosi, Steny Hoyer, and other House Democrats piled rock after rock; causing the president to audibly expel copious amounts of gas. As of press time, a pyramid of at least 30 rocks had already been amassed on top of Trump’s man-boobs and rotund belly.
“I saw the whole thing. Very odd, very sad.” – Senator Bernie Sanders
“The hardest part for candidates will be trying not to laugh at the very things they claim to find offensive.”
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.