Looking to ease the nation’s worries that the United States is on the brink of civil war, historians have come together to point out that too many Trump supporters have gotten COVID for the modern day South to physically rise again. “Most of Mr. Trump’s strongest supporters are now sick, dying, or dead as they’ve attended Trump’s super-spreader rallies in the past few weeks, or simply refused to social distance and wear masks,” one historian stated. “They don’t have the strength or numbers to fight a war, much less to make it to the polling places to cast their vote. Because of this, a civil war is quite unlikely.”
Republicans helped Kanye West get himself on the Wisconsin ballot for the 2020 presidential election today; a move that could divert votes from Joe Biden to West and hand Trump a victory in the swing state. Despite having unmanaged mental illness, Republicans are putting West on ballots around the country and sending him from state to state to give speeches that turn into public mental breakdowns – a trait that many argue could steal Trump supporter votes as well. As of press time, Democrats said they would try to split the Trump vote by placing former grand wizard of the KKK David Duke on the ballot.
The Democratic Party will use yet another untested software in Nevada’s upcoming February 22nd caucus and many are concerned that the errors which surrounded deployment of the Iowa caucus app are being repeated once again. Countless caucus volunteers fear a repeat of Iowa will cause disarray within the Democratic Party and give Trump the upper hand in the presidential election. Notably, the decision came just days ago that Nevada caucus sites would be using the pre-loaded app on iPads to record results. To further shroud the whole situation in mystery, the Democratic Party has refused to disclose who created the application, but says it will “work like a charm.” Voters’ rights groups are understandably concerned about how the app has been designed and deployed. What do you think? “Should we shoot ourselves in the same foot again? Or should we shoot the other foot so we have nothing left to stand on?” – Maureen Dimpsey, Life-long Democrat, Art History Teacher “What’s wrong with paper? Did the Russians hack our paper mills?” – Dennis Feldman, Retired Paper Salesman “Good technology needs proper design, proper testing, and proper training. In that spirit, we hope to have the app intuitively designed by 2024, rigorously tested by 2028 and ready for use by 2032. Mark my words: There will be no fifth term for this corrupt president.” – Bill McCurdy, Nevada State Democratic Party Chair
Countless Americans are up-in-arms after Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi took her copy of president Trump’s State of the Union speech and tore it into pieces. Pelosi says that compared to what the president has said and done that she is more than comfortable standing by her actions. “I did it and I’d do it again,” Pelosi grinned. “I moved on that speech like a bitch, grabbed it right by the title, and tore it apart – because when you’re Speaker they let you do it!”
President Trump’s approval rating amongst the left jumped from 7.2% to 42.7% after Russian President Vladimir Putin announced a new, deadly, and unmatched hypersonic weapon yesterday. Democrats now admit that Trump’s submissive and subservient approach with Russia makes perfect sense. According to Putin the new, terrifying missile can reach a velocity 27 times faster than the speed of sound, hit any part of the planet, and cannot be destroyed by modern anti-missile defense systems. What do you think?
Hellbent on completing their witch hunt in a timely manner, Democrats showed up at Donald Trump’s rally in Battle Creek, Michigan tonight; torches in hand. The mob burst on stage, interrupting Trump who was honoring a military dog. The president was quickly stripped of his clothes and laid out on the floor as Democrats lined up with heavy rocks to stack on Trump’s chest. Rally-goers, who were asked to leave their firearms outside of the event, could only watch in horror as Nancy Pelosi, Steny Hoyer, and other House Democrats piled rock after rock; causing the president to audibly expel copious amounts of gas. As of press time, a pyramid of at least 30 rocks had already been amassed on top of Trump’s man-boobs and rotund belly.
“I saw the whole thing. Very odd, very sad.” – Senator Bernie Sanders