Several presidential candidates have been funneling donations into private health savings accounts in order to pay for their personal healthcare and medical bills as they inch closer and closer to death each day. Donald Trump, age 73, lead in fundraising last quarter. The president raked in $46 million; some of which will be used to keep excess skin pulled back from his face and stapled to the back of his scalp. The White House says Trump is also setting money aside to pay for an imminent quadruple bypass. Here’s how much money other elderly candidates raised last quarter to put toward personal medical care in case Trump wins again and the US healthcare system remains an unaffordable dumpster fire. Senator Bernie Sanders, 78: $34.5 millionStaffers say Sanders plans to replace his heart, which doctors and political experts agree is way too large. Former Vice President Joe Biden, 77: $22.7 millionJoe Biden will be using much of his money to fight his near-constant battle with lice which could easily be solved if he’d stop sniffing women’s hair. Sadly, the campaign is also looking into treatment for early onset Alzheimer’s as complete thoughts and sentences have become difficult for Biden to verbalize. Senator Elizabeth Warren, 70: $17 million. Being female, Warren is expected to have less medical issues, but she’s developed a drinking problem on the campaign trail in a misguided and racist effort to “become more Native American”. Warren will be needing a liver transplant before the end of 2020. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, 77: Refuses donations, uses his own money. Bloomberg – a billionaire – has had so many body parts replaced that he’s 87% robot and could be one of the first humans to live forever.
A wild beaver somehow managed to sneak into one of Elizabeth Warren’s campaign headquarters and corner the presidential front runner for over four hours this morning. Warren says she’s doing fine and that this wasn’t her first encounter with a beaver. “I’ve done my fair share of experimenting in college,” Warren smiled. “It’s gonna take a lot more than a beaver to get me rattled. Don’t threaten me with a good time!”
Elizabeth Warren used National Coming Out Day as an opportunity to officially tell the world that she is both bisexual and polyamorous. The presidential front runner made the announcement on NPR. “I put the ‘B’ in LGBT,” Warren laughed. “I’m an energetic bisexual who’s in an open relationship with my husband, my life partner Barb, and anyone out there who’s interested.” When reached for comment, Warren’s husband Bruce said he has “No idea what Elizabeth is talking about.”
A new, controversial advertisement by Elizabeth Warren’s presidential campaign was released today and people are shocked. The ad, which focuses on the Senator admitting to a sexual affair with a 24-year old Marine, combines a patriotic tone with a confusing message. In total, the 30-second spot includes a brief admission of the affair while God Bless America plays in the background. As the song reaches crescendo, a lit-up Warren proclaims “I’m Elizabeth Warren and I let a United States Marine go down on me… for America!” Vocal critics of Warren who demanded that the Senator end her campaign over the affair were silenced by being reminded of Stormy Daniels.
Warren says the two are inseparable.
According to their website, Mufflr is being funded by powerful lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Hillary Clinton.
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren