Joe Biden issued a stunning correction today after claiming that “10 to 15% of Americans are not very good people.” Rather than try to smooth things over, Biden doubled down. “I am deeply sorry if I have offended anyone with my estimate. I realize I was wrong and that Mr. Trump’s approval rating is, somehow, much higher,” Biden stated. “So with that being said, I would like to correct the record now by stating that at least 40% of Americans are rinky dinky chicken shits. That’s right you cowards, I said it! They’re a bunch of white-livered, gollumpus, grumbletonian bootlickers following a bedswerving, muck-spout of a klazomaniac!” Biden then went on to tell reporters a story about his old buddy Dan and ‘the time Dan ate the clouds like cotton candy’ (read more). Photo Credit Phil Roeder Advertisements
After binge watching all seven episodes of Tiger King yesterday on Netflix, president Trump has quickly become the biggest supporter of the imprisoned celebrity Joe Exotic, speaking out about the jailed man’s innocence. “Minus most of the gay stuff, we’re basically the same person,” Trump told journalists. “We were both married multiple times to beautiful, young people. We are savvy business men, and we are both handsome men who enjoy the finer things in life.” Those close to the president say Trump is strongly considering pardoning Joe Exotic, having even suggested that Joe would make a great replacement for Mike Pence in the 2020 election. “Look, Joe’s a business man and entertainer-turned-politician just like me,” Trump stated. “And we both have great hair. Can’t forget that. So maybe we’ll replace Mike with Joe. Maybe. Just to spice things up a bit. We’ll see. We’ll see.” Notably, after finishing the Netflix series Trump was actually a huge fan of Carole Baskin before he was told by staffers that she was, in fact, a woman and not another long-haired man. “At first I thought the story was: rich-man-beats-gay-guy. But that wasn’t the case,” Trump stated. “The bottom line, if we can agree on anything, it’s that Carole Baskin is a total bitch who murdered her husband.” As of press time Melania Trump was being forced to return her newly purchased liger and was ordered to stop rubbing fish oil on the president.
Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg took to the stage at his Genoa, Nevada rally today having just learned he was polling in second place for the state’s upcoming February 22nd primary. The jubilant Mayor of South Bend, Indiana then inexplicably launched into an impassioned, unwarranted, 50-minute presidential acceptance speech. “Wow!” a wide-eyed Buttigieg shouted while waving a copy of the poll toward the crowd. “If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; if anyone out there still wonders if the dream of our founding fathers is alive and well today; if anyone out there questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer!” The murmuring, confused crowd looked on as Buttigieg continued his finely-polished speech. “It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, a time of healing and rebirth has come to the United States of America,” an emotional Buttigieg sobbed. “I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 5 years. I want to thank my partner in this journey we call life, the man who gives me strength and keeps me grounded – My husband Chasten.” The two men then kissed, giving Rush Limbaugh cancer in his other lung, before Buttigieg concluded while pointing toward his bewildered, offstage campaign team. “To my campaign manager, Mike Schmuhl; my spokesperson, Lis Smith; and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics — you made this happen.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
A Georgia judge appointed by President Obama has ruled that the state can print their 2020 ballots in Russian. The ruling also struck down the use of archaic voting machines. “Since our electronic voting system is atrociously outdated and incredibly vulnerable, we’re making a compromise,” Judge Amy Totenberg stated. “We won’t be using the hackable electronic voting machines, but our election will still be welcoming to the Russians, which is all the Republicans seem to want right now.” Outspoken Republicans are condemning the ruling, claiming that obtaining proper IDs to vote on paper ballots in the 2020 election will be too difficult for the average Russian hacker. Photo credit WP Paarz
“I’m not sure why we’d give the swastika to one side over the other,” Trump stated. “If we’re trying to accept everyone, we need to start by including minority groups like the Klan in these discussions.”
“In common public opinion, turtles are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”
“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”