A Georgia judge appointed by President Obama has ruled that the state can print their 2020 ballots in Russian. The ruling also struck down the use of archaic voting machines. “Since our electronic voting system is atrociously outdated and incredibly vulnerable, we’re making a compromise,” Judge Amy Totenberg stated. “We won’t be using the hackable electronic voting machines, but our election will still be welcoming to the Russians, which is all the Republicans seem to want right now.” Outspoken Republicans are condemning the ruling, claiming that obtaining proper IDs to vote on paper ballots in the 2020 election will be too difficult for the average Russian hacker. Photo credit WP Paarz Advertisements
“I’m not sure why we’d give the swastika to one side over the other,” Trump stated. “If we’re trying to accept everyone, we need to start by including minority groups like the Klan in these discussions.”
“In common public opinion, turtles are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”
“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”
President Donald Trump used a morning staff meeting today to address leaks that have plagued his administration since day one. In an impassioned speech, the President touched on many topics – concluding with the implementation of a strict ‘No Farting’ policy. The new White House rule was accidentally released to the media by Press Secretary Sean Spicer when he mistakenly read an entire transcript from the private meeting to journalists. “Look people. I will not tolerate the leaks,” said Trump. “I will not tolerate the leaks to the news media. I will not tolerate leaks to your friends. To your family. The leaks to your dog. Your cat,” Trump said while pausing to glare around the room. “Don’t think I don’t know, because I do. I really do. The WikiLeaks? That’s bad. It’s all bad: leaky tires, leaky cauldrons, the faucets. Faucets? Hate ’em. I don’t even want leaks from assholes. Won’t allow it. We’re getting rid of it. It’s gone. Got it?” Unhappy staffers have already begun anonymously reporting an increasingly toxic atmosphere of paranoia, bloating, and extreme discomfort in the West Wing. Officials in different agencies have also suggested that the new rule is not conducive to a healthy work environment. Additionally, Trump is searching for a way to tighten staffer sphincters to prevent farting, or “at least create a high-pitched, whistling sound that will help to identify who has farted.” Several employees fear their office chairs, wallets, cell phones, or even underwear may be monitored – making them reluctant to let one rip – even when completely alone in a room. Other sources say that limits imposed on the flow of gas have blindsided cabinet-level officials with loud, painful bouts of flatulence that have abruptly ended important meetings. There are now even reports of staffers creating secret “Safe Fart Spaces” that change location hourly. Indeed, the palatable fear of getting caught farting or simply smelling afoul in the White House is so acute that some officials refuse to discuss issues face-to-face. Instead, many have opted to use smoke signals which serve the dual purpose of communicating while covering gaseous odors. Others, however, stand in defiance of the new Trump farting policy. “There does have to be some degree of trust among colleagues in order to release certain kinds of farts. Like the long and rolling fart, the machine gun Betty, or the borderline-audible shart,” stated White House Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. “But I refuse to take on additional anxiety by trying harder to hold them in.” The Homeland Security Department has yet to respond to countless requests for comment as to why the White House would want to tighten control over bodily functions. Foreign officials from Germany, China, and Mexico have come forward saying that they have ‘shown no reaction’ to President Trump’s frequent, audible farts while holding meetings and conversations with the President himself. “I myself was in the presence of two very significant ‘Trump leaks’,” stated Xi Jinping, President of China. “One was like a never-ending snake ‘hisssss’ and the other sounded like he was in a bathtub, somehow. Yet, I politely gave no response. To me, this is a very odd, reactive move on his part,” This isn’t the first time that a standing Republican President has meddled in flatulence. In 1972, Richard Nixon’s administration infamously wiretapped opponent, Democratic Senator George McGovern, and released a 17-minute compilation of McGovern air-boxing his briefs with gas. Now referred to as ‘Watergate’ – because of McGovern’s wet-sounding farts – this notable incident is credited as having first sparked the conversation about fart shaming. At press time, this was the only action taken by Trump that showed a concern for air pollution. Return Home Take me to the MEMES! Support Grandma/Publish your article
“Obviously black people love sports, and that’s why their babies are born during the basketball season, and football, and for those Kenyan blacks – the spring track season,” said Palin.
***BREAKING*** (Washington D.C.) The Republican National Committee is openly taking responsibility for the death of front runner presidential candidate Donald Trump. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, immediately spoke out about the decision to kill the candidate. “We feel a loss. There’s no doubt about it,” stated Ryan. “We have hundreds of thousands – millions maybe – of people that support our party. Naturally, we cannot take the shooting of Donald lightly, but you have to understand that we cannot take a risk with someone like him. There’s no way to get the country back from such a gorilla of a man,” stated Ryan. “That being said, we are very happy that the country will be okay. Sure, the Monday morning quarterbacks are going to have opinions, but these are hard calls and the safety of the country is paramount,” said Ryan. Speaker Ryan then concluded his statement on MSNBC, “Overall, it was a terrible, tragic occurrence, much like his entire campaign and the fact that people voted for him. But, when we saw him toying with the future of our children, we had to end him. End it all. Hopefully we can all move on and forget that he ever existed.” The majority of politicians and experts from all over the world responded to the decision with much praise and joy, including President Hollande of France. “Moving forward we hope that America plans to have very different enclosures for potential candidates so that child-like voters cannot venture into a dangerous situation like we have seen here in the 2016 election,” stated Hollande. As of right now, the Democratic National Committee has yet to comment on whether or not they plan to kill either Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders, but they do confirm that they want to find a “peaceful way” to put Debbie Wasserman Schultz to rest. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.