Mitch McConnell Admits to Being 1/8th Turtle

“In common public opinion, turtles are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”

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Strict ‘No Farting’ Policy Enforced in White House

President Donald Trump used a morning staff meeting today to address leaks that have plagued his administration since day one. In an impassioned speech, the President touched on many topics – concluding with the implementation of a strict ‘No Farting’ policy. The new White House rule was accidentally released to the media by Press Secretary […]

Tragic Death Ends Trump Campaign

***BREAKING*** (Washington D.C.) The Republican National Committee is openly taking responsibility for the death of front runner presidential candidate Donald Trump. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, immediately spoke out about the decision to kill the candidate. “We feel a loss. There’s no doubt about it,” stated Ryan. “We have hundreds of thousands – millions […]

6 More Ways America Leads The World

6 More Ways America Leads The World

“America leads the world in pretty much everything awesome, there’s no need to even research that because everyone knows it. Fact. Period. Soaring eagles. End of story. But, did you know that…”

Breaking--Pope-Francis-Admits-to-Marijuana-Usage

Breaking: Pope Francis Admits to Marijuana Usage

The Pope’s admission of cannabis usage understandably resulted in many follow-up questions. Lauren Green, Chief Religion Correspondent for the Fox News Channel, asked Pope Francis why he felt that he was “in any position to speak against so-called ‘modern capitalism’.”

FOX News Embraces Jeb Bush as He Distances Self From Brother

After announcing his bid for Presidency, Jeb Bush tried to distance himself from brother George W. Bush. When asked by a reporter if his family name and relation to former President George W. Bush would hinder his chances, Jeb tactfully deflected the question in true-leader-fashion by

3 out of 5 NRA Members are Racist

Study: 3 Out of 5 NRA Members Are Racist

A new poll by Gallup.com – the most trusted polling organization in the world – has proven that over 60% of National Rifle Association (NRA) members are racist. The study used the NRA database to randomly contact 5,500 of the over 5 million members that the organization boasts. Here are the questions that they asked: […]

Poll: Republicans Care More About the Poor

Poll: Republicans Care More About the Poor

Gallup has released a poll that shows that Republicans care more about poor people than Democrats. Indeed, the poll has raised some eyebrows on the left as they have always claimed to be the party that supports programs that assist the poor.

Obama Hits Milestone with 1000th Utterance of "Let me be clear"

Obama Hits Milestone with 1000th Utterance of “Let me be clear”

Today, the polling organization Gallup announced that President Barack Obama has officially uttered the phrase “let me be clear,” for the 1,000th time in a televised speech. Gallup Poll, which is known for their unbiased, informative polls is now facing criticism from many on the left for even monitoring such a fact. Keith Olbermann took […]

Indiana Passes Law to Build Border Fence in Response to Travel Bans

In his official comments on the passage of the new fence bill, Pence stated that this would it make a statement telling other states to “butt out of Indiana politics,” but also, it would “add hundreds of thousands of minimum wage jobs for the state and effectively negate the effects of major companies and events leaving or boycotting Indiana.”