Tag: Republican
Elon Musk Loses 100 Million Followers After Ban On Twitter Bot Accounts Accidentally Includes Generic Bros With Same Picture
Elon Musk lost millions of Twitter followers today after he enacted an application-wide ban on bot accounts which accidentally included a wiping-out of generic-looking bros with the same picture. The mistake came just hours after Musk tweeted “The bots are … Continue reading Elon Musk Loses 100 Million Followers After Ban On Twitter Bot Accounts Accidentally Includes Generic Bros With Same Picture
Party-Curious Kyrsten Sinema Switches From Democrat To Independent Just To See What People Say Before Totally Coming Out As Republican
The very brave, former Democrat Krysten Sinema decided to admit to her colleagues today that she is, in fact, an independent. “This may come as a shock to some,” Sinema stated. “But I cannot be more honest when I say … Continue reading Party-Curious Kyrsten Sinema Switches From Democrat To Independent Just To See What People Say Before Totally Coming Out As Republican
New Twitter Update Will Add An Animated Bird That Suggests Slurs & Insults To Spice Up Your Tweets
Elon Musk announced today that the remaining 17 employees at Twitter have been working day and night to finish a software update that will help users to insult other people on the platform with more creativity. “It’s kind of like … Continue reading New Twitter Update Will Add An Animated Bird That Suggests Slurs & Insults To Spice Up Your Tweets
Brittney Griner Forced To Stand For 10 National Anthems, Say 25 Pledges of Allegiance & Announce That ‘All Lives Matter’ Before Every WNBA Game In Exchange For Freedom
Republicans refused to cooperate with President Biden’s attempts to free WNBA star Brittney Griner from Russian prison until he agreed that she will be required to stand for 10 national anthems, say 25 pledges of allegiance, and announce that “All … Continue reading Brittney Griner Forced To Stand For 10 National Anthems, Say 25 Pledges of Allegiance & Announce That ‘All Lives Matter’ Before Every WNBA Game In Exchange For Freedom
Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat
(Milwaukee, WI) Local man James Fielder, who firmly believes that the United States is the best country on the planet, refuses to ever leave his house without bringing at least two guns with him. “I carry these weapons in public … Continue reading Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat
Donald Trump Just Asked: ‘Why Don’t We Have A White Friday!?’
Donald Trump is in hot water today after asking why there isn’t a “White Friday” on Truth Social. Trump’s post read: “How come every year it’s Black Friday? Always with the Black. When are we going to have White Friday!? … Continue reading Donald Trump Just Asked: ‘Why Don’t We Have A White Friday!?’
FL Court Says 16-Year-Old ‘Too Immature’ To Have Abortion, But Old Enough To Date Matt Gaetz
A 16-Year-Old who is in the care of Florida child welfare authorities has been told that she “lacks the maturity” to have an abortion, but that she is “old enough” to date US House representative Matt Gaetz. The ruling was … Continue reading FL Court Says 16-Year-Old ‘Too Immature’ To Have Abortion, But Old Enough To Date Matt Gaetz
Congress Passes Strict Gun Control Law Limiting Mass Shootings to 37 Per Year
The bill, which is entitled the ‘Act Legitimizing Morally Offensive Shootings Today,’ or A.L.M.O.S.T., will place restrictions on those selling guns after 37 mass shootings have taken place in the calendar year. Continue reading Congress Passes Strict Gun Control Law Limiting Mass Shootings to 37 Per Year
Due To Ruble Crash, Republicans Who Can’t Afford New Outfits Won’t Attend State Of The Union
Most Republicans in Congress have decided against attending today’s State of the Union. The decision came after they realized that – due to the Russian ruble’s drop in value – they’re suddenly broke and unable to buy new clothes for … Continue reading Due To Ruble Crash, Republicans Who Can’t Afford New Outfits Won’t Attend State Of The Union
Despite Clearing Browser Histories, FL Republicans Still Unable To Stop Thinking About Gay Kids
Despite clearing their browser histories, Ron DeSantis and dozens of fellow Florida republicans are having an extremely difficult time getting themselves to stop thinking about gay kids. “Anything relating to the queers has to be considered sexual; even their very … Continue reading Despite Clearing Browser Histories, FL Republicans Still Unable To Stop Thinking About Gay Kids
‘Caddyshack’ Gopher Catches Trump Supporters Who Voted Multiple Times In 2020
News broke today that the gopher from Caddyshack – now turned Federal agent – overheard three residents from The Villages admit to committing voter fraud in the 2020 election. The gopher was sent to secretly monitor the community using a … Continue reading ‘Caddyshack’ Gopher Catches Trump Supporters Who Voted Multiple Times In 2020
TX Republican To Ban 850 Books That ‘Could Make Students Feel Uneasy’
Representative Matt Krause (R-TX) has compiled a list of 850 books that he wants to ban in schools. Krause says the books in question “might make students feel discomfort, guilt, anguish, or any other form of psychological distress because of … Continue reading TX Republican To Ban 850 Books That ‘Could Make Students Feel Uneasy’
9 Easy Ways To Convince Anti-Vaxxers To Get ‘The Jab’
There are several simple ways to encourage anti-vaxxers to finally take the shot and help us get out of this pandemic. Slideshow: Main photo credit: Marco Verch Continue reading 9 Easy Ways To Convince Anti-Vaxxers To Get ‘The Jab’
Confused, Conservative-Run Coffee Chain Too Scared To Serve Black Coffee
Unwilling to learn current social etiquette – and despite the fact that black coffee is widely considered the most “manly” way to take your caffeine – the conservative and veteran-run Black Rifle Coffee Company is still too confused and frightened … Continue reading Confused, Conservative-Run Coffee Chain Too Scared To Serve Black Coffee
Senate Democrats Form New Commission To Investigate How Republicans Can Live With Themselves
Bewildered by their political counterparts, Senate Democrats voted today to form a new commission that will hopefully help them to understand exactly how Republicans are able to live with themselves. Referred to as the F.A.C.T.S. Commission – short for Finding … Continue reading Senate Democrats Form New Commission To Investigate How Republicans Can Live With Themselves
Unruly Conservatives Will Be Tased ‘Mercilessly & Without Warning’ On Spirit Airlines
Reports of an extreme uptick in unruly behavior by conservative passengers has prompted Spirit Airlines to announce that they are now supplying crew members with tasers. “In an average year, there are around 100 to 150 cases of bad passenger … Continue reading Unruly Conservatives Will Be Tased ‘Mercilessly & Without Warning’ On Spirit Airlines
