“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
“In common public opinion, turtles are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”
“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”
Trump is trying to rectify the situation by sending Civil War participation trophies to his seething supporters.
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
Scott Walker will now have to flush his system of illegal substances in order to qualify for unemployment assistance.
“I almost gave up and started drawing patterns in the bubbles, but then I remembered I was voting.”
“The investigation is not meant to be a space expedition. Unfortunately, we don’t have a Space Force yet.” – Kellyanne Conway
Doctors have voiced concerns over the ingestion of coal by minors.
“This will allow every single employee to move up the ladder and manage their own McDonald’s.”
After procedural introduction of the bill, Ted Cruz (R-TX) immediately shouted, “Permission to speak freely!?” in an echoing, emotional, yet somehow guttural and primal tone.
“Obviously black people love sports, and that’s why their babies are born during the basketball season, and football, and for those Kenyan blacks – the spring track season,” said Palin.
***BREAKING*** (Washington D.C.) The Republican National Committee is openly taking responsibility for the death of front runner presidential candidate Donald Trump. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, immediately spoke out about the decision to kill the candidate. “We feel a loss. There’s no doubt about it,” stated Ryan. “We have hundreds of thousands – millions […]
With Senator Ted Cruz dropping out, John Kasich is the only hope for the Republican establishment. Here’s how he can still win…
(New York, NY) It appears that the wife-bashing has returned to the Republican campaign for presidency with Donald Trump and Ted Cruz shooting a barrage of horrific insults back and forth. It all started with another tweet from Trump…
(Janesville, WI) Donald Trump is known for saying shocking things at his rallies, but today in Wisconsin he wowed the crowd with a stunning admission. Donald Trump is bisexual. Let that sink in.
Everything began when delivery driver Jessica Sturns noticed that something was awry when she saw the additional comment on the delivery instructions which read:
“During the latest Republican Presidential Debate, Dr. Ben Carson took the time to lay out a shockingly specific plan for how ISIS could severely cripple the…”
To help you make a sound decision, we’ve created this easy-to-follow article. Read on to learn more about this epic showdown between The Donald and Ben Carson:
Grossly obese Republican Presidential candidate and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has been banned from further debates until he can become fully aware of both himself and the world around him. The ban, which was handed down by the Republican National Committee (RNC), came after he gave Air Force Brig. Gen. Michael Cunniff 90 days […]
it certainly appears that Presidential hopeful Donald Trump outperformed the rest of the potential candidates on Thursday night’s FOX News sponsored Republican debate. Indeed, the real…
With a shocking amount of Republican support, a new law has finally been passed to address gun violence in America. The bill, which is entitled the ‘Act Legitimizing Morally Offensive Shootings Today,’ or A.L.M.O.S.T., will place restrictions on those selling guns after 37 mass shootings have taken place in the calendar year. Despite receiving close to […]
After announcing his bid for Presidency, Jeb Bush tried to distance himself from brother George W. Bush. When asked by a reporter if his family name and relation to former President George W. Bush would hinder his chances, Jeb tactfully deflected the question in true-leader-fashion by
(Photo by Gage Skidmore. No endorsement implied) Former Presidential hopeful Rick Perry, who stumbled and fell short in his last run for President of the United States has announced that he is running again. However, shortly after his announcement, his campaign team now admits that he can no longer remember what order numbers come in […]
Today, the polling organization Gallup announced that President Barack Obama has officially uttered the phrase “let me be clear,” for the 1,000th time in a televised speech. Gallup Poll, which is known for their unbiased, informative polls is now facing criticism from many on the left for even monitoring such a fact. Keith Olbermann took […]
In his official comments on the passage of the new fence bill, Pence stated that this would it make a statement telling other states to “butt out of Indiana politics,” but also, it would “add hundreds of thousands of minimum wage jobs for the state and effectively negate the effects of major companies and events leaving or boycotting Indiana.”
“We need to seriously reduce the amount of plastic-related deaths in Lexington,” Connor said.
The Lexington ban will leave ‘breathable’ paper bags as the only option for local residents. Restrictions on bags include all sizes of plastic trash/garbage bags, clear Ziplock bags, slider grip bags, and, – at Connors request – laboratory mini-grip re-sealing bags and specimen transportation bags.