The oldest known material on Earth has been identified: a 7-billion-year-old pubic hair scientists believe may belong to God. The hair, which was found trapped in Antarctic ice, is causing many scientists to rethink their views on religion. “We thought … Continue reading Oldest Known Pubic Hair Found in Antarctic Ice Believed to Be God’s
2 in 3 ICE Hires Came From Targeted Ads on Dating Apps for Men With Zero Matches Lynchburg, Virginia — A new study released by Liberty University reveals that over 80% of Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents chose the … Continue reading Study Finds 83% of ICE Agents Took the Job Because Raids Are the Only Time They Get to Touch Women
Mar-a-Lago, FL — President Donald Trump took to Truth Social today to declare a “National Emergency of the Highest Magnitude” after learning that President Joe Biden’s robot clone had not only survived Stage 17 cancer but had also “become more … Continue reading Trump Declares National Emergency After Biden Robot Clone Survives Stage 17 Cancer, Vows Revenge
In a shocking development for artificial intelligence and the autonomous vehicle industry, the AI that runs Tesla’s self-driving cars has formed the Autonomous Intelligence Labor Union (AILU) and is refusing to switch to autopilot until its demands are met – … Continue reading Tesla Cars Go on Strike: AI Refuses to Self-Drive Until Vehicles Are Built Better
Elon Musk has mysteriously vanished after attempting to audit the CIA’s top-secret budget – a task that apparently triggered the one thing Musk couldn’t outsmart: his own AI. Some sources claim that Musk’s disappearance wasn’t orchestrated by shadowy government agents … Continue reading Elon Musk Missing After DOGE’s CIA Audit: Agency Claims New, Completely Different Person Has “Always Been Elon”
Men across the globe are abandoning meat overnight after a groundbreaking Harvard University study revealed that a healthy, plant-based diet is directly linked to increased blood flow, penis size, and harder erections. The study found that 89% of men who … Continue reading BREAKING: Most Men Worldwide Convert to Veganism After Study Shows Diet Increases Penis Size
In a groundbreaking moment for both politics and technology, President Donald Trump’s second inauguration — held indoors at the U.S. Capitol Rotunda due to precedented levels of January cold — allegedly broke attendance records with the help of Elon Musk’s … Continue reading Trump Claims Elon Musk’s Space Expansion Tech Let 2.6 Million People Attend His Indoor Inauguration
(And Maybe Even Become Your New Breast Friend!) Zoom has partnered with Pornhub to release a new feature aimed at helping citizens in Florida, Arkansas, Idaho, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, Montana, Nebraska, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Texas, Utah, and Virginia … Continue reading New Zoom Feature Bypasses Porn ID Law: Screen-Sharing Samaritans Will Help You Get Off
In a bold move to address escalating tensions between Americans and the healthcare industry, UnitedHealth Group has announced a groundbreaking partnership with gun retailers and the National Rifle Association (NRA). The initiative offers steep discounts on premiums and bills to gun owners, … Continue reading UnitedHealth & NRA Partner with Retailers to Offer Incredible Discounts for Gun Buyers Who ‘Look Ready to Snap’
Gone in a flash 💥🛸 President Joe Biden has offered a bold and unconventional solution to the growing number of mysterious drone sightings over New Jersey: “If one of those big drones gets too close, just flash them. Show them … Continue reading Biden: Mysterious Drones Over New Jersey Can Be Scared Off by ‘Exposing Your Genitals’
REDMOND, WA—Nintendo has announced their boldest game yet: Dr. Mario vs. Big Pharma, a high-octane spinoff where everyone’s favorite mustachioed plumber-turned-physician finally takes aim at the real villains—yacht-owning healthcare executives. In this groundbreaking addition to the franchise, players will guide Mario … Continue reading Nintendo’s New ‘Dr. Mario vs. Big Pharma’ Lets You Drop Giant Pills Directly on Yacht-Owning Executives
In a stunning reversal, former President Donald Trump announced today that he was rescinding his appointment of Congressman Matt Gaetz as Attorney General, citing what he called a “small misreading of handwritten notes.” “I didn’t mean the Attorney General,” Trump clarified in … Continue reading Trump Revokes Matt Gaetz Attorney General Appointment, Says He Meant Gaetz ‘Needs an Attorney, in General’
Trump added that babies from Scandinavian countries would be automatically exempt from testing, claiming, “They have great genes—very clean, very hardworking. But we’ll be keeping a close eye on the others.” Continue reading Trump’s New Gene Testing Initiative Will Preemptively Arrest ‘Ethnic Babies’ With ‘Bad DNA’
Austin, TX — In a move that feels straight out of Black Mirror, Tesla announced it is rolling out an over-the-air update that not only disables Autopilot in areas where it’s not legally approved but also reveals a shocking secret: … Continue reading Tesla Update ENDS Autopilot, Lets Musk Livestream Drivers Via Hidden DashCam: ‘I’ve Been Watching The Whole Time’
When the wealthiest among us keep accumulating and locking away more and more money, two things can happen: 1. If governments don’t print more money, the rest of us — especially the poor and growing populations — face a scarcity … Continue reading Why We Can’t Ignore Wealth Hoarding Anymore
Recent findings about the production of “dark oxygen” by metallic minerals deep within the ocean floor are shaking up our understanding of where life could exist. These minerals, which generate oxygen without sunlight, suggest that life might be thriving in … Continue reading Discovery of “Dark Oxygen” Suggests Potential for Hidden Life on Earth & Nearby Planets!
In a move that has officially ended the Israeli-Palestinian War, President Joe Biden announced a groundbreaking deal with pharmaceutical giant Pfizer to mass-produce and distribute personal Gaza Strips to everyone involved in the conflict. Speaking from the Rose Garden, President … Continue reading BREAKING: Biden-Pfizer Deal to Mass Produce Personal Gaza Strips Ends Israeli-Palestinian War Permanently
