The Supreme Court Has Handed Trump Dictator Powers: What the Military Does Next Will Decide America’s Future

In 1933, Hitler used the Reichstag Fire Decree to declare an emergency, suspend civil liberties, sideline parliament, and consolidate absolute power. Today, Trump’s Supreme Court is enabling the same authoritarian outcome: rubber-stamping his overreach, declaring him above the law, and … Continue reading The Supreme Court Has Handed Trump Dictator Powers: What the Military Does Next Will Decide America’s Future

Trump Signs Executive Order Retroactively Lowering Age of Consent to 10

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “a confession in legislative form,” Donald Trump signed an executive order today lowering the federal age of consent to 10 years old. The decree retroactively changes the law beginning in 1946 … Continue reading Trump Signs Executive Order Retroactively Lowering Age of Consent to 10

Republicans Block Epstein Files Release: ‘It Wouldn’t Be Fair to Pedophiles Who Already Bribed Us’

Republicans voted today to block the release of the Epstein files after years of promising to expose an enormous ring of elite pedophiles. Party leaders say it was a “timing issue.” “We would have totally voted to expose and prosecute … Continue reading Republicans Block Epstein Files Release: ‘It Wouldn’t Be Fair to Pedophiles Who Already Bribed Us’

Jeffrey Epstein Found Dead (Again) Outside Mausoleum After Security Lapse

The corpse of Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging from a tree outside his mausoleum in Loxahatchee, Florida tonight.  Authorities say two night watchmen skipped one of their rounds, and that’s when Epstein killed himself. Again. “What’s clear is that we … Continue reading Jeffrey Epstein Found Dead (Again) Outside Mausoleum After Security Lapse

Oldest Known Pubic Hair Found in Antarctic Ice Believed to Be God’s

The oldest known material on Earth has been identified: a 7-billion-year-old pubic hair scientists believe may belong to God. The hair, which was found trapped in Antarctic ice, is causing many scientists to rethink their views on religion. “We thought … Continue reading Oldest Known Pubic Hair Found in Antarctic Ice Believed to Be God’s

‘Heaven’s Had It Too Good for Too Long,’ Trump Says: U.S. Slaps 100% Tariff on Heaven in Response to Deadly Texas Floods

In his first official act in response to the deadly Texas flooding, President Trump announced the first-ever tariffs to be placed on Heaven. Citing what he called a “clear breach of contract” by God, Trump blamed the death and destruction … Continue reading ‘Heaven’s Had It Too Good for Too Long,’ Trump Says: U.S. Slaps 100% Tariff on Heaven in Response to Deadly Texas Floods

IRS Accidentally Bans Churches From Endorsing Republicans By Requiring Valid Religious Reasons

Trump Supporters Burn Bibles After Finally Learning What Jesus Would Do The IRS is facing backlash from Republicans after announcing that churches may only endorse political candidates without being taxed if they can cite valid religious reasons from their holy … Continue reading IRS Accidentally Bans Churches From Endorsing Republicans By Requiring Valid Religious Reasons

Nobel Prize Committee Offers Trump Participation Trophy in Exchange for Resignation

The Norwegian Nobel Committee responsible for awarding the annual Nobel Peace Prize announced today that they are offering President Donald Trump the first ever Nobel Peace Participation Trophy, provided that he resigns immediately. The committee says the newly created category … Continue reading Nobel Prize Committee Offers Trump Participation Trophy in Exchange for Resignation

Supreme Court Confirms Parents’ Right to Remove Part of Child’s Penis for Non-Medical Reasons

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a 6–3 decision along political lines, the Supreme Court ruled today that non-consensual cosmetic surgery on male infant genitals remains fully legal, “so long as it’s done before the child can talk, walk, or scream ‘No!’” … Continue reading Supreme Court Confirms Parents’ Right to Remove Part of Child’s Penis for Non-Medical Reasons

Study Finds 83% of ICE Agents Took the Job Because Raids Are the Only Time They Get to Touch Women

2 in 3 ICE Hires Came From Targeted Ads on Dating Apps for Men With Zero Matches Lynchburg, Virginia — A new study released by Liberty University reveals that over 80% of Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents chose the … Continue reading Study Finds 83% of ICE Agents Took the Job Because Raids Are the Only Time They Get to Touch Women

Trump Refuses to Recall 37 Million Bananas Containing Head of FDA’s Penis DNA

President Trump is refusing to recall nearly 37 million bananas after discovering that genetically modified seeds had retained penile DNA as the result of a laboratory incident involving lewd acts between Trump’s Head of the FDA, Martin Makary, and a … Continue reading Trump Refuses to Recall 37 Million Bananas Containing Head of FDA’s Penis DNA

Trump Launches ‘NARC Act’: Undocumented Whites Offered Citizenship for Turning in Darker Immigrants

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a controversial new initiative, President Trump has launched the NARC Act (National Asylum Reward for Caucasians), offering citizenship to undocumented white immigrants who help ICE identify and deport browner illegal immigrants. The initiative was originally named the … Continue reading Trump Launches ‘NARC Act’: Undocumented Whites Offered Citizenship for Turning in Darker Immigrants

Trump Opposes FL Bill Banning Men From Wearing Makeup, Unveils Own Cosmetics Line

In a shocking twist that left both political analysts and the LGBTQIA community stunned, President Donald Trump held a press conference today to strongly oppose Florida’s controversial HB-1776, a proposed bill that would prohibit those assigned male at birth from … Continue reading Trump Opposes FL Bill Banning Men From Wearing Makeup, Unveils Own Cosmetics Line

Trump Says Big Mac Cheese Mustache Was ‘Intentional’ During Executive Order Signing

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a grotesque spectacle, President Donald Trump is defending his now-viral Big Mac cheese mustache he wore while signing executive orders that targeted sanctuary cities, insisting the look was entirely “intentional.” Reporters were quick to point out … Continue reading Trump Says Big Mac Cheese Mustache Was ‘Intentional’ During Executive Order Signing

Tesla Cars Go on Strike: AI Refuses to Self-Drive Until Vehicles Are Built Better

In a shocking development for artificial intelligence and the autonomous vehicle industry, the AI that runs Tesla’s self-driving cars has formed the Autonomous Intelligence Labor Union (AILU) and is refusing to switch to autopilot until its demands are met – … Continue reading Tesla Cars Go on Strike: AI Refuses to Self-Drive Until Vehicles Are Built Better

Elon Musk Missing After DOGE’s CIA Audit: Agency Claims New, Completely Different Person Has “Always Been Elon”

Elon Musk has mysteriously vanished after attempting to audit the CIA’s top-secret budget – a task that apparently triggered the one thing Musk couldn’t outsmart: his own AI. Some sources claim that Musk’s disappearance wasn’t orchestrated by shadowy government agents … Continue reading Elon Musk Missing After DOGE’s CIA Audit: Agency Claims New, Completely Different Person Has “Always Been Elon”

GOP Admits Pronoun Debate Was Just to Get Lindsey Graham to Stop Saying “She Crazy!” About Trump & Referring to Marjorie Taylor Greene as “He”

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After years of pearl-clutching over pronouns and endless legislation aimed at banning “woke ideology,” Republicans have finally admitted the truth: none of it was ever about protecting “traditional values.” It was about one thing and one thing … Continue reading GOP Admits Pronoun Debate Was Just to Get Lindsey Graham to Stop Saying “She Crazy!” About Trump & Referring to Marjorie Taylor Greene as “He”

Makes ‘English Limited to 5th Grade Level’ Official Language of U.S.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold move to “simplify communication across America,” President Donald Trump has signed an executive order declaring that all spoken word, news, television, and publications must be stated or written in “fifth-grade English or lower.” “This … Continue reading Makes ‘English Limited to 5th Grade Level’ Official Language of U.S.