A tweaked-out Laura Ingraham ended her show on FOX News last night by smoking copious amounts of methamphetamines at her desk. She then wandered off set and came zooming back with a cold steak, plastic straws, and lightbulbs from the men’s restroom. After taking a few more hits, the unhinged Ingraham started aggressively screwing incandescent lightbulbs into the meat before getting mad and repeatedly stabbing the bloody steak with straws. Click here to watch the video. Advertisements
At a morning press conference at Camp David, President Trump managed to stun reporters when he said 10 words in a row that all worked to form both a complete thought and a grammatically correct sentence. The rare moment of clarity came while the president spoke about Hurricane Dorian. “It’s bad. The storm. It’s a bad place and you don’t wanna be stuck in there,” Trump stumbled before nailing his big line. “This storm is very big and very scary to people,” a satisfied Trump beamed. Within seconds FOX News was broadcasting the president’s eloquent sentence. ‘This storm is very big and very scary to people’ began continuously scrolling across the bottom news ticker as TV personalities dissected the sentence; savoring every syllable of genius for the better part of a half an hour. The story was then looped back into the news cycle every 30 minutes with a breaking news alert whose subtitle read “Is this President Trump’s I Have a Dream Speech?” Photo Credit James Cridland
“None of them seemed phased by Carlson. It was like the [expletive] Twilight Zone.”
“Steve and Tim will hold hands, and sometimes even kiss,” laughed Earhardt.
“I hate to say this folks, but it’s to the point where we may have to make something up.”
***BREAKING*** (Washington D.C.) The Republican National Committee is openly taking responsibility for the death of front runner presidential candidate Donald Trump. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, immediately spoke out about the decision to kill the candidate. “We feel a loss. There’s no doubt about it,” stated Ryan. “We have hundreds of thousands – millions maybe – of people that support our party. Naturally, we cannot take the shooting of Donald lightly, but you have to understand that we cannot take a risk with someone like him. There’s no way to get the country back from such a gorilla of a man,” stated Ryan. “That being said, we are very happy that the country will be okay. Sure, the Monday morning quarterbacks are going to have opinions, but these are hard calls and the safety of the country is paramount,” said Ryan. Speaker Ryan then concluded his statement on MSNBC, “Overall, it was a terrible, tragic occurrence, much like his entire campaign and the fact that people voted for him. But, when we saw him toying with the future of our children, we had to end him. End it all. Hopefully we can all move on and forget that he ever existed.” The majority of politicians and experts from all over the world responded to the decision with much praise and joy, including President Hollande of France. “Moving forward we hope that America plans to have very different enclosures for potential candidates so that child-like voters cannot venture into a dangerous situation like we have seen here in the 2016 election,” stated Hollande. As of right now, the Democratic National Committee has yet to comment on whether or not they plan to kill either Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders, but they do confirm that they want to find a “peaceful way” to put Debbie Wasserman Schultz to rest. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.