In a measured, peaceful, yet offensive response to attacks on US troops in Iraq, president Trump ordered the Air Force to drop over a billion tons of bacon dust over Iran’s capital city of Tehran. “With pork being the only meat that absolutely may not be consumed by Muslims, we’ve made certain that everyone in that city has inhaled or ingested the crispy pig dust,” president Trump grinned. Photo credit Kevin Stanchfield Advertisements
The largest military force in the world is in shambles after trying and failing to make an 18 year war with “that ignorant slut Afghanistan” work. Clearly shaken, the US military finally came to grips with reality after longtime friend, The Washington Post, offered 2,000 heartfelt pages and 600 interviews proving what deep down the US military already knew: that useless whore Afghanistan would never truly be theirs. In total, the leader of the free world says it’s “lost over 2,300 American lives, killed off 150,000 civilians, and spent over $934 billion on that dumb bitch Afghanistan.” As of press time, the US military was already six drinks deep and loading up heat-seeking missiles in search of a rebound country.
President Donald Trump was severely burned today when he accidentally touched the Medal of Honor with his unworthy hands. Trump was awarding the medal to Conan – the dog injured in Syria during the killing of ISIS leader Abu Baker – when the injury occurred. Advisors had already warned the president not to touch the prestigious award after witnessing the medal immediately kill a cockroach that had come in contact with it. Photo by David Holt
Upon boarding planes over the weekend, customers immediately noticed that there were no seatbelts.
The ban is estimated to block 82.6 million US citizens from service and dishonorably discharge another 1.7 million Americans from the military.
“We wanted to name it something to do with the color blue, because the ocean is blue, even from space. In the end we settled on Whale Force and I think that’s just fine.”
‘The number of homeless veterans wheeling hundreds of gallons of gasoline through bustling urban centers could be a huge safety problem.’