Of the nearly 20.4 million US veterans in the United States, the Trump Administration managed to coax just under 700 of them on Craigslist to sign an open letter in support of the president. The letter comes just after it was revealed by multiple sources that Trump had called veterans “suckers” and “losers” in the past, and questioned why people join the military in the first place. The president also reportedly pushed back against having injured veterans in military parades, saying, “nobody wants to see that.” What do you think?
The Pentagon put an end to the ongoing statue removal debate today by ordering every statue in the country to be taken down and replaced with sculptures of our “soon-to-be arriving alien overlords.” The announcement comes just hours after the government admitted it had found multiple crashed UFOs. “Over the past years we have acquired several off-world vehicles that contained deceased, foreign lifeforms,” General Mark A. Milley stated. “Along with this we found plans for an invasion, and that invasion is coming soon.” The Pentagon says that the extraterrestrial equipment they found is so far advanced that humans have “no chance” fighting off the superior species. “We have no clue how their alien technology even works, so the best thing that we can do is give praise and show our subservience from the very beginning,” General Milley stated. “Replacing all statues is just our first step. Indeed, it appears the age of mankind’s rule is over.” Milley also stated that the government would be cutting military spending in half starting next month because “there’s really no point in trying anymore.” Instead, the general says the funds will be used to end homelessness, provide universal healthcare, fund education, and end world hunger. “We’re still not sure what we’re going to do with the rest of the money,” Milley confirmed. “But for a few weeks, until the aliens come and take over everything we know and love, the United States will be the greatest that it has ever been.” Photo credit Timothy Hale
A German Shepherd named Max who served in both Iraq and Afghanistan is refusing to accept the Medal of Honor until the United States elects a new president. “I would rather be shaved bald and forced to take a bath at night on the Fourth of July with all of the fireworks going off than be seen anywhere near that man,” Max said of Trump. “Why anyone would want to accept a medal for valor and heroism from a draft dodging, racist, sexist, homophobic, pathetic little man is beyond me.” Max says that should Joe Biden be elected in November that he will gladly accept the award. “I get yelled at all the time for sticking my nose in people’s butts and crotches,” Max stated. “So, personally, I couldn’t care less if the former vice president smells people’s hair.”
Democrats are taking heat after forcing a clandestine weekend vote today in which they managed to approve a minor name change to US Army base Fort Bragg; one of several US bases named after Confederate generals. “In honor of president Trump, our motion to officially change the name of ‘Fort Bragg’ to ‘Fort Brag’ with one letter ‘G’ has passed,” Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated. “Let this be a late, but imperative reminder that we should never celebrate treasonous traitors of the United States, but rather call them out – wherever they are – for what they really are.” Pelosi later told reporters that the idea behind the name change was inspired by president Trump himself who had weighed in on the issue of US military base names just yesterday. “I mean, if they really have to change the names. And you hate to see it. But if they really need to change them and there’s no other options, maybe they should name one or two after me?” Trump suggested with a shrug. “I’m no Confederate general, but I certainly agree with a lot of what they stood for. That’s what I would call a compromise.” As of Sunday afternoon, Democrats were hailing the name change as “frugal” and “a step in the right direction” as the taxpayer cost to remove a single ‘G’ from the end of all signage was minimal – allowing budgeting for the addition of Trump’s silhouette on every sign.
An explanation for the United States’ abysmal handling of the coronavirus has come to light after Trump stated that he has been trying to quietly build up America’s COVID-19 bioweapon stockpile ever since the virus reached the country. Specifically, the president admits that he’s keeping as many Americans infected as possible so that they can be deployed overseas at a moment’s notice should war break out. “If everyone could just shut up already about the Chinese virus that would be great. I can’t secretly amass a human stockpile if everyone won’t keep their traps shut about what we’re doing here,” Trump stated. “This is why we need to stop doing testing, stop wearing masks, and stop reporting on this altogether. From here on out let’s all agree to stop ruining my strategic military plan which will make our great nation’s military even greater, again.” Minutes later, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany was already in front of news cameras telling reporters that the president was only kidding.
President Trump announced today that he will be reinstating “Don’t ask, don’t tell” (DADT), which was the official United States policy on military service by gays, bisexuals, and lesbians up until 2011. President Trump says the law will bar openly gay people like Pete Buttigieg from being Commander in Chief of the US military. “It doesn’t matter what role you are in the military,” Trump stated. “private, corporal, top, bottom, sergeant, twink, or bear; if you’re out, you’re out! That means you Mayor Pete!”
Vice President Mike Pence modeled the new version of the United States Space Force uniform for photographers today after the administration was deeply criticized for using camouflage uniforms for outer space missions. “These lightweight, durable, leather harness uniforms are sleek and form fitting, but non-restrictive,” Pence stated. “I’ve been wearing something similar for years, so I can attest to the craftsmanship.” Photo credit torbakhopper