A large group of angry conservatives took to social media today to announce a boycott of Petco and PetSmart after learning that both American pet retailers engage in the act of grooming.
“Now they’re even going after our pets!” Fox News’ Tucker Carlson shouted on his TV show. “These poor dogs don’t know any better. Most of them are just teenagers and even younger! These liberal companies just make me sick!”
Fox News pundit Sean Hannity struck a similar, angry tone on his show.
“They are selling skimpy outfits for dogs. Dogs! And some of the clothing is gender neutral! If that doesn’t scream grooming, then I don’t know what does!” Hannity yelled while glaring into the camera. “These poor dogs don’t know any better. Most of them are being forced to wear outfits that often times don’t even cover the nipples or crotch area! This is evil and wrong and I know this because I feel guilty that it’s turning me on.”
Fox’s Laura Ingraham also used her show to rail against the “secret, liberal, bestiality, rapist cabal.”
“They’ve been doing this for decades right under our noses!” Ingraham shrieked. “They lure these poor animals in with treats, kind words, commands, and – quite likely – heavy petting. They’ll even put a muzzle on victims so they can’t defend themselves or cry out for help. It’s just sick. Liberalism is a mental disorder!”
As of press time, many conservatives were screaming and threatening dog owners in public if their pets were wearing “revealing outfits” or they appeared to have groomed their pets recently.
“Now that it’s been brought to light, I’m disgusted because I’m seeing it everywhere!” Carlson said while concluding his show. “And now we’re learning that they may have been shaving some cats to make them look like hairless testicles. That, I will admit, I cannot yet confirm because I haven’t seen a pussy in years.”