Pope Francis gave a Valentine’s Day sermon at St. Peter’s Basilica today in which he asked couples to welcome single friends into their bedroom. The surprising suggestion has many asking if the religious leader is doing alright. “It’s an utterly lonely world out there,” an emotional, teary-eyed Francis stated. “So please, I implore you, invite someone to lay with you in carnal sin. It could be anybody really: authority figures, devoutly religious clergy, you name it – the right person could very well be in this room right now.” Upon finishing his sermon, the Pope tossed out handful after handful of candy hearts with his phone number on them as he strut down the center aisle like a runway model.
“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”
Obama backtracks on promise to spare the lives of innocent turkeys named Tater and Tot – ruining a longstanding American tradition.
With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering down might be the wisest decision. “For me, it looks like the depression will be coming right at me from two fronts,” stated Jenny Schwartz of Baltimore, Maryland. “My Bible-thumping, morbidly obese Aunt Cheryl from The South, and my condescending, evil mother-in-law Debbie will approach from The North. They will coalesce on my front lawn around 2:00 PM on Sunday, July 3rd,” said Schwartz. “So this year, despite sending invitations, I am going to pretend to be dead if anyone rings the doorbell or knocks. Fuck these people.” But it’s not just the Eastern seaboard that will be hit hard: experts believe that the strong depression will move westward, impacting the Great Plains and spreading to the West Coast. Chief Meteorologist Brian Busbey of Channel 9 in Kansas City, Kansas described what he expects to occur this holiday season for him. “Hurricane Helen, with her bitch-force opinions, will be crossing the United States from Charlotte, North Carolina to my home,” Busbey stated while drawing arrows and sad faces on a green screen map. “Undoubtedly, this inherent depression will leave me asking many questions, like: ‘Why do I bother cooking or baking anything for these fucking assholes?!?!’” Busbey concluded, “We get it Aunt Helen, ‘Kansas City, Kansas’ sounds stupid, just like everything you fucking say!” Medical experts are already offering tips for how Americans can cope with the inevitable depression. Some key tips include: 1. Have a plan. Be sure to know where the alcohol is, and map out a route to it that allows you to get really liquored-up while avoiding as many unsavory relatives as possible. 2. Set realistic goals. By keeping the bar low, you won’t be blindsided by even more disappointment, resentment, or thoughts of suicide. 3. Exercise. Be sure to exercise your first Amendment right to free speech. You’ll already have alcohol pulsing through your veins for encouragement. So speak up, create a pamphlet of opinions to share, or design a calculated, hurtful sign to hold up in the faces of these assholes. Thank you for reading my latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook page.
In a shocking turn of events, it seems that people are gearing up for the Fourth of July by doing the exact same type of shit that they did last year. The grills are out, the beer is somewhat cold, Grandma just shit in the pool, and nobody is watching the kids. Your creepy uncle showed up with a ton of illegal fireworks in order to spend more time standing way too close behind you while whispering with his whiskey-soaked breath in your ear. “That’s it, get that fuse nice and hot. Yah… yah… that’s it…. AND DON’T YOU F$#%@ING TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS!” Your grossly overweight, alcoholic aunt has waaaay too much to drink and starts bitching about the left-wing media and how she wants her burger done medium-rare and how she only trusts Fox News and that Obama is a Kenyan and that you should share the chips because they ARE for everyone. Three of the neighborhood kids lose fingers or become partially blinded. Grandpa is afraid that the dogs will eat the baby. Nobody can find the baby. Who the F put Grandpa in charge of the baby!?!? —– Happy 4th of July! Be safe out there! Visit and “Like” my Facebook Page to get more of the latest important news updates.