Elon Musk: ‘I Will Colonize Mars, But Only With Thousands Of My Own Offspring’

Billionaire Elon Musk told reporters today that, not only does he already have “at least 370 kids,” but that he also plans on having thousands more in order to colonize mars. The news comes after it was revealed that the … Continue reading Elon Musk: ‘I Will Colonize Mars, But Only With Thousands Of My Own Offspring’

Republicans Tricked Into Supporting Gun Control After Democrats Start Calling Mass Shootings ‘Post-Birth Abortions’

After offering no real solutions for mass shootings in America for decades, Republicans have now been tricked into supporting gun control laws after Democrats began calling mass shootings “post-birth abortions” yesterday. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi gave a brief … Continue reading Republicans Tricked Into Supporting Gun Control After Democrats Start Calling Mass Shootings ‘Post-Birth Abortions’

Despite Clearing Browser Histories, FL Republicans Still Unable To Stop Thinking About Gay Kids

Despite clearing their browser histories, Ron DeSantis and dozens of fellow Florida republicans are having an extremely difficult time getting themselves to stop thinking about gay kids. “Anything relating to the queers has to be considered sexual; even their very … Continue reading Despite Clearing Browser Histories, FL Republicans Still Unable To Stop Thinking About Gay Kids

DeSantis Announces ‘Whites Organizing For KKKonservative Education’ – Or ‘W.O.K.E. Act’

Florida governor Ron DeSantis held a press conference today in which he announced a new bill called the ‘W.O.K.E Act’ – or Whites Organizing for KKKonservative Education. The governor said that he was taking a stand against critical race theory … Continue reading DeSantis Announces ‘Whites Organizing For KKKonservative Education’ – Or ‘W.O.K.E. Act’

Hesitant Parents Sending Least Favorite Child To Get Vaccinated First

Due to widespread mistrust of both science and the CDC, the vast majority of kids age 5 to 11 who have been vaccinated are those designated as the “least favorite child” in their family. In fact, statistics show that more … Continue reading Hesitant Parents Sending Least Favorite Child To Get Vaccinated First

Texans Leave Hundreds Of Unwanted Babies On Governor Abbott’s Front Porch

Texas Governor Greg Abbott recently signed a bill into law that prevents abortions after the sixth week of pregnancy – much sooner than most women even know that they are pregnant. That law went into effect today. Under the law, … Continue reading Texans Leave Hundreds Of Unwanted Babies On Governor Abbott’s Front Porch

Tennessee GOP Okays Infanticide Via Polio & Measles By Stopping All Vaccine Outreach For Children

Tennessee Republicans made moves today to ensure that the state will no longer be advocating for children to get vaccinated – not just for COVID, but for any diseases – such as HPV, polio and measles. Health experts are saying … Continue reading Tennessee GOP Okays Infanticide Via Polio & Measles By Stopping All Vaccine Outreach For Children

republicans against trump regroup as less overtly racist third party

Mitch McConnell Touts His Newly-Formed Anti-Trump Party As ‘Far, Far Less Overtly Racist’

In a concerted effort to distance themselves from Donald Trump, a group of over 120 conservative politicians held a Zoom call this week to discuss creating a third party called ‘Republicans Against Trump’ (RATs). The party is described as “basically … Continue reading Mitch McConnell Touts His Newly-Formed Anti-Trump Party As ‘Far, Far Less Overtly Racist’

Families Told to ‘Select One Child as Tribute’ For School Reopening Experiment

The White House announced today that they will be issuing a mandate requiring families with school-aged children to send at least one child to school as tribute for a school reopening experiment. “Because our nation is so divided right now … Continue reading Families Told to ‘Select One Child as Tribute’ For School Reopening Experiment

Toys 'R' Us lands $16 million defense contract to monitor Canadian border with drones

Toys ‘R’ Us lands $16 million defense contract to monitor Canadian border with drones

(Infographics provided by White House) They’re back from the dead! Big box store Toys ‘R’ Us, who declared bankruptcy just last year, has signed a $16 million deal to supply the US government with drones to police the northern border. … Continue reading Toys ‘R’ Us lands $16 million defense contract to monitor Canadian border with drones

Trump kicks off new ‘Be Bestest’ campaign celebrating the belittling of children

After mocking 16-year-old climate change activist Greta Thunberg, who has Asperger’s, president Donald Trump announced his new Be Bestest campaign that encourages belittling and name calling of kids ages zero to seventeen. “Why be best when you can be the … Continue reading Trump kicks off new ‘Be Bestest’ campaign celebrating the belittling of children

Michigan bans flavored alcohol and vape products as concerns over addiction in children grow

The state of Michigan passed sweeping legislation today banning the sale of flavored alcohol and vape products. The state claims that the flavors encourage smoking and drinking among minors. “There’s growing evidence that flavored products could have negative health impacts,” … Continue reading Michigan bans flavored alcohol and vape products as concerns over addiction in children grow

Disney’s remake of Home Alone depicts Kevin’s parents being taken by ICE

Disney’s remake of Home Alone, entitled ‘Home Alone: Siempre,’ will feature all Latino actors and a modern plot twist in which Kevin’s parents are taken by racist ICE agents who call themselves “The Wetback Bandits.” Kevin’s parents are deported to … Continue reading Disney’s remake of Home Alone depicts Kevin’s parents being taken by ICE

Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine

“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated. Continue reading Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine