Republicans Push For ‘Mass Shooting Condolence Cards’ Section In Every Walmart

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell told reporters early this morning that Republicans in Congress plan to introduce a bill that would require all Walmart locations to have a mass shooting condolence card section within the store.

“It’s the least we can do,” McConnell stated. “And it’s the only thing we’ll do.”

“Just think about it,” McConnell added. “Someone comes and shoots up your local Walmart and then customers and employees alike can immediately grab a card. It’s very convenient.”

McConnell then reminded journalists about a previous law enacted by Republicans that limits mass shootings to 37 per year.

“Although we haven’t been able to successfully enforce the law, at least we tried,” McConnell stated. “It’s the thought that counts.”

Notably, in response to the most recent mass shootings, many respectful gun enthusiasts have started leaving their weapons unattended outside of stores. Additionally, 25 grocery store chains have banned open carry, leaving gun owners nowhere to hunt for food.

As of press time Walmart had yet to respond directly to McConnell or to any inquiries from reporters, but they did tweet.

“To make room for the new mass shooting condolence cards, we will be dramatically reducing the amount of graduation cards we carry,” Walmart tweeted. “It just makes the most sense since a lot less children have been graduating lately due to school shootings.”

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