Despite clearing their browser histories, Ron DeSantis and dozens of fellow Florida republicans are having an extremely difficult time getting themselves to stop thinking about gay kids.
“Anything relating to the queers has to be considered sexual; even their very existence,” a flustered Governor Ron DeSantis said after a reporter asked him about Florida’s economy. “Because of this, we’re trying to pass a bill to make everyone stop behaving like g-a-y kids, g-a-y teachers and g-a-y parents exist – because it’s all too sexy. I mean sexual!”
Next, DeSantis ignored a question about Covid in Florida and instead told reporters where republicans got the idea to erase gay people from the state. During his statement DeSantis continued to avoid saying the word “gay” by spelling it out.
“We looked at places that don’t have g-a-y people and we decided to try doing some of what they are doing,” DeSantis stated. “One great example is Iran. They don’t have any g-a-y people and they are thriving! Plus they’re a very religious country! I think we could all learn from them.”
“Look, I wish we didn’t have to do this. I wish that these so-called ‘g-a-y kids’ could be erased as easily as it is to clear that exact search term from my browser history,” a visibly hot and bothered DeSantis stated while pinching his nipples before realizing his error.
“I mean… look. This is a parental rights thing,” a red-faced, sweaty DeSantis pivoted. “We all have a right to keep the existence of g-a-y kids hidden – like a deep, dark dirty little secret.”
As of press time Florida republicans were working to pass yet another bill, this time to get teachers and students to stop saying “Black” as the ban on critical race theory hadn’t completely erased all of their white guilt.
“Reminding me that Black people exist makes me feel racist,” DeSantis confirmed.