CDC Director Robert Redfield told a Senate panel today that he believes a COVID-19 vaccine should be available soon and that “US citizens can expect to return to their normal, shitty lives by the end of 2021.” “We know the past 7 months have been extra hard on the working class. It’s like God took your lives – here represented by a flaming cake made of shit – and then just fucking covered it with horrific death sprinkles.” Redfield stated. “I know it’s hard to look back a year and recall what things were like before the death sprinkles, but try to remember that it was still a flaming shit cake back then; so lower your expectations.” As of press time the CDC said it was preparing a ‘Return to Normal’ campaign that will include advertisements warning Americans that they’ve romanticized their pre-pandemic lives and that not much will change once the pandemic is over. “So let me emphasize: the only notable difference between right now and the post-vaccine future is that there will be less time for introspection,” Redfield stated. “And this is a good thing, because a life unexamined is rarely recognized as being one worth ending.”
Despite being almost completely engulfed in flames, the states of California, Washington, and Oregon were still ranked by US News & World Report today as being “decidedly better to live in” than all of the southern states. “With more than 30 fires blazing, the majority of the west coast’s population is now seeking shelter from widespread fires by simply hanging out at the beach,” the article stated. “In the face of these fires, the states still manage to provide better healthcare and education all while propping up a better economy than all southern states combined.” Besides having better healthcare, education and economies, the article also confirmed that people on the west coast have more teeth per capita, higher IQs, less racist views, more inclusivity for LGBTQ+ community, and more than three things to do for fun. “In fact, the entire staff here at US News & World Report would rather burn alive than live anywhere in the South,” the article stated. “If we could, somehow, we would move all of the fires over there. That would be ideal.” The article concluded on a final, positive note stating that “the one and only perk of living in the South is that it’s very cheap. Cheap in every sense of the word.”
A visibly frustrated and bewildered Joe Biden asked a group of reporters today – out loud – if he was losing his mind, questioning “Am I fucking crazy? Shouldn’t I be winning by, like, a lot?” “I feel like I’m losing my goddamned mind! It’s like I’m living in the Twilight Zone, or on the moon,” a wide-eyed Biden shouted. “It’s crazy. No I mean it! It really is! It’s absolute madness.” Several reporters then reassured the presidential candidate that, no, he was in fact not insane and that he would most certainly be winning by at least 20% in the polls if we lived in a remotely well-educated society. “Well you can’t fix stupid,” Biden responded. “So we’ll have to just hope and pray that enough people will vote for Hillary Biden. I mean, Joe Clinton.” Photo Credit
Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards was strong-armed into beginning Phase 3 of reopening today despite COVID-19 cases in his state being on the rise. Edwards says the move is “not ideal, but necessary” due to the fact that citizens said they would literally kill him and anyone else who stands in the way of this year’s football season. “You can’t fix stupid. This is Louisiana, so logic goes right out the door when it comes to science in general,” Edwards stated. “We have grown adults that would rather cheer as young, concussed men tackle each other in spandex than deal with the fact that a virus is killing off their friends and family.” Edwards continued. “These so-called ‘diehard’ football fans have finally gotten a chance to prove themselves this year, and as it turns out, they really are moronic enough to let themselves and others die for a fucking game,” Edwards stated. As of press time, Edwards was fearful that Louisiana may have to shut down again within a month or two as COVID cases will inevitably spike from the premature move to Phase 3. “I just want to take the time today, while I have it, to tell my friends and family that I love them very much,” a tearful Edwards stated. “I say this because there’s a very real chance that we’ll be forced to cancel the football season after a few weeks, and I can’t imagine surviving the backlash.” Photo Credit Tammy Anthony Baker
President Trump has been trying to downplay his flatulence problem since journalist and author Bob Woodward released 18 recordings today in which the president is heard audibly farting nearly 150 times. In one interview alone, back in February, Trump farted eleven times during a single statement in which he revealed he knew new the coronavirus pandemic was far more serious than he was telling the public. “It’s a very tricky situation – fart. It goes through the air Bob – fart, fart – … you just breathe the air and that’s how it’s passed – fart. It’s also more deadly than even your – fart – more strenuous flus. This is far more deadly – fart. This is 5% whereas the flu is only 1%.” Trump continued. “It’s not just old people, Bob – fart. Some startling farts – fart, fart, fart – err… facts came out. It’s not just old people dying,” Trump stated. “I wanted to always play it down. I still like playing it down because I don’t want to create a – fart – panic.” As of press time, the country was bracing for even more hot air to come out of the president as he tries explaining away Woodward’s recordings.
E! cable network says the Jenners and Kardashians have voided their own contracts for Keeping Up With the Kardashians after recent surgeries resulted in the families being comprised of more than 50% plastic parts. “Our network signed a contract with human beings,” a statement from E! read. “What remains of these families is mostly fake. From a legal standpoint, they are now nothing more than cold, unthinking, unfeeling objects.” According to the network, the final season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians has already been taped and will air in 2021. Meanwhile, E! is set to take physical ownership of the two families. “According to a judge’s recent ruling, E! has every right to continue to use the family as we see fit,” a statement from E! read. “If we wanted to begin filming Kourtney & Kim Take Themselves Apart – a show where the two women literally start removing body parts to scare people in public – then we will do just that.”
Of the nearly 20.4 million US veterans in the United States, the Trump Administration managed to coax just under 700 of them on Craigslist to sign an open letter in support of the president. The letter comes just after it was revealed by multiple sources that Trump had called veterans “suckers” and “losers” in the past, and questioned why people join the military in the first place. The president also reportedly pushed back against having injured veterans in military parades, saying, “nobody wants to see that.” What do you think?