(Altoona, PA) Local man Dan Stephenson – whose entire family is under quarantine – dug up his old house floor plan in order to show his increasingly bored family all of the possibilities for where they can go this weekend. “We’ve got the living room where we can all gather to play board games,” Stephenson stated. “Then, just 100 feet down the hall, there’s the master bedroom where mommy and daddy will spend 12 loud minutes rekindling their love life. There’s really something for everyone.” As of press time, the recently unemployed Stephenson was visiting his back porch, on his 7th beer, and wondering if he’ll ever be able to afford to take his family on a real vacation.
A large majority of humans on planet Earth say they have every intention of surviving the coronavirus to ensure that they get front row seats to the end of the world; which will be brought on by climate change sometime around 2035. What do you think? Photo credit Kevin Rheese
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers finished removing air from all 1,340 of their practice footballs today after officially securing star quarterback Tom Brady for the next two years. “We’ve got that balls deflated down to 91% capacity, just like Tom Likes it,” head coach Bruce Arians stated. “And I gotta say, it’s so much easier to hold the ball this way. Tom’s a genius!” Coach Arians also confirmed that the Buccaneers’ contract with Brady requires the team provide hidden camera experts to film the other teams’ practices. “It’s a minor detail and it’s just something we had to agree to in order to get Tom. The Patriots did it, and now we’re doing it so that Tom has everything he needs to win.” As of press time, the team says they’ve already put millions of dollars aside to pay for all of the league violations that inevitably come with having Tom Brady on your team.
Photographer Benjamin Heikkine of Finland was awarded the honor of TIME Magazine Photo of the Year for his astonishing shot of an Antarctic penguin who was waddling around for several other penguins, all while dressed up in drag. “It appears that the penguins had found a handful of supplies and then just totally went for it,” Heikkine stated. “Up until now, we had no idea how creative and fabulous penguins could be.” Heikkine says that he watched for about 30-minutes as various penguins took turns putting on the wig and makeup and walking back and forth in front of one another before the animals noticed him and quickly waddled away.
The Center for Disease Control announced today that they will be coordinating efforts to get every American citizen a huge, inflatable bubble suit. The head of the CDC, Robert Redfield, spoke briefly on the decision. “Sure doors will have to be widened, cars will have to be completely redesigned, there may only be 15 or so people fitting on each airplane, and sex will be completely out of the question,” Redfield stated. “But this is what it has come to. We’re all going to be wearing giant, inflatable condoms. So get used to walking around in one of these fucking things.”
Livid with the inadequate response to the coronavirus, the Council of Susans & Karens – a highly organized group of unreasonably entitled and incomparably misguided people – began demanding to speak with the CEOs of the Norton and McAfee antivirus software companies this morning. Within minutes of the request, both companies had agreed to a meeting with the group; on the condition that every Karen and Susan return their hoarded toilet paper, hand sanitizer, disinfecting wipes, and non-perishables that their husband Chad bought “so that everyone can get through the pandemic.” As of press time, an angry mob of non-compliant Susans and Karens had already begun boarding flights to Norton and McAfee headquarters – leaving a trail of dead managers in their wake.
(Brookfield, WI) Local man Jeremy Walowitz says his first date with Amy Patel is going so well that he just might be getting an elbow job. “You have to be extra careful when dating during the coronavirus outbreak,” Walowitz stated. “There’s no kissing and no exchange of mucus whatsoever. Right now the elbow job is really all you can hope to get. Unless you’re into feet, then there’s a few more options.” In may ways an elbow job, or “LBJ” as some are calling it, is just like a hand job, except for the fact that the penis is placed in the cubital region of the arm fold, opposite the elbow. “I also call it the ‘Chicken Dance’ because it looks just like the part of the song where you flap your arms like a bird,” Walowitz stated. As of press time Walowitz was receiving an elbow job, but unable to finish because the Chicken Dance was playing on a loop in his head.