Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is stepping down from his position in order to enter rehab for a severe case of money addiction and to help stop an ongoing identity crisis. Those close to Bezos say that for years the billionaire has been constantly consumed by dressing up like a dragon and thinking of ways to obtain more and more money. “Jeff truly believes that his self-worth is tied to cash and his greatest fear is that he will go bankrupt,” one person close to Bezos stated. “He also seems to think he’s a dragon.” In fact, Bezos can’t even go to bed at night unless he’s wearing a dragon onesie and there’s a huge pile of money for him to lay on. “He can’t sleep until his staff covers his bed with at least $5 million in gold coins and stacks of cash. Mr. Bezos then dresses up in one of his many dragon costumes and sprawls out on the mountain of money to fall asleep,” the source stated. The final straw for the board of directors was when Bezos began insisting on wearing his dragon onesies to the office; even for important meetings. After this went on for awhile, the board voted to force the billionaire to step down and seek help. “Jeff would roar and growl at employees and potential business partners while in meetings and walking the halls,” the source stated. “One time he scared the CEO of FedEx so much that they cancelled a shipping partnership for a few hours before other higher ups at Amazon were able to smooth things over. I truly wish Jeff the best of luck.”
Disputed leader of Venezuela Nicolás Maduro revealed today that the entire Venezuelan economy was “currently riding on a handful of Gamestop shares” as the corrupt authoritarian admitted that he threw all of the country’s remaining money into the stock market. “We’ve been trying to fix our economy for what seems like forever,” Maduro stated. “I saw the news and I decided to roll the dice.” Indeed, Venezuela has been hit incredibly hard in the past years with political corruption, unemployment, shortages of food and medicine, human rights violations, and the closure of countless companies. “I put the last of our money in and got nine shares of GameStop,” Maduro stated. “Some people might say it’s stupid to risk money when you don’t really have any, but at this point who really cares? A la luna. ¡Vamanos!”
Adam Westin of Menomonee Falls, Wisconsin just faked his 500th orgasm in under a year in an ongoing effort to avoid having children with his wife Rebecca who is completely unaware of what’s going on. “Adam and I have been trying for a baby for over 11 months now and we’ve both had good results on our fertility tests so I have no idea what’s going on,” Rebecca stated. “Maybe we’re just not meant to have kids.” Just minutes after finishing his 500th fake orgasm Adam Westin was in the bathroom masturbating for the 500th time in under a year.
Authorities confirmed today that Marjorie Taylor Greene – an armed, hostile and mentally unstable woman that has been terrorizing congressional colleagues – is actually an escaped psych ward patient named Karen Lynn McConnell. Reportedly the estranged sister of Senator Mitch McConnell, the congresswoman was taken into custody this morning for questioning before being heavily medicated and returned to Eastern State Hospital in Kentucky. As of press time, law enforcement was still searching for Karen Lynn McConnell’s missing roommate Lauren Boebert who authorities say is “also a grave danger to society that could very well be hiding in plain sight.”
Former richest man in the world Elon Musk was overtaken today by Reddit user dildo_swaggins69 after the amateur investor managed to turn investments in Gamestop, AMC, and Dogecoin into more than $277 billion over the course of a week. When reached for comment on how it felt to become the richest person in the world so quickly, the anonymous dildo-swaggins69 stated, “Together apes strong 🦍. Buy and hold r*****s. To the fucking moooon! 🚀🚀🚀 Let’s go0o0oo!” Notably, several other Reddit users, including OwenWilsonsNose, Intradouching_Myself, JustThepenisTip, and BreadPitt have also become billionaires overnight.