Recent studies reveal that nearly 20% of flight attendants saying they’ve received reports of passenger-on-passenger sexual assault on a flight and 68% have been sexually harassed themselves. If you’re keeping up with the times, you should already know that there are certain things men can no longer do with their genitals on an airplane. Here are 5 things that aren’t acceptable to do with your penis on a plane in 2020. 1. Although plastic stirrers and straws are frowned up in today’s green culture, never stir your drink with your penis while on a flight. 2. Don’t shave your balls on the tray table. Sometimes it’s hard to find time to check off personal care items from your to-do list, but creating multiple, mini-tumbleweeds of pubes that will fly throughout the cabin for the duration of the flight is frowned upon today. 3. Never dress your penis up as your emotional support pet by giving it a red vest and gluing hair, ears, and googly eyes to it and then proceed to pull your dick out on your lap and pet it. 4. Stir your neighbor’s drink. 5. Slap seated passengers in the face with your penis as you walk down the aisle to your seat.
Several presidential candidates have been funneling donations into private health savings accounts in order to pay for their personal healthcare and medical bills as they inch closer and closer to death each day. Donald Trump, age 73, lead in fundraising last quarter. The president raked in $46 million; some of which will be used to keep excess skin pulled back from his face and stapled to the back of his scalp. The White House says Trump is also setting money aside to pay for an imminent quadruple bypass. Here’s how much money other elderly candidates raised last quarter to put toward personal medical care in case Trump wins again and the US healthcare system remains an unaffordable dumpster fire. Senator Bernie Sanders, 78: $34.5 millionStaffers say Sanders plans to replace his heart, which doctors and political experts agree is way too large. Former Vice President Joe Biden, 77: $22.7 millionJoe Biden will be using much of his money to fight his near-constant battle with lice which could easily be solved if he’d stop sniffing women’s hair. Sadly, the campaign is also looking into treatment for early onset Alzheimer’s as complete thoughts and sentences have become difficult for Biden to verbalize. Senator Elizabeth Warren, 70: $17 million. Being female, Warren is expected to have less medical issues, but she’s developed a drinking problem on the campaign trail in a misguided and racist effort to “become more Native American”. Warren will be needing a liver transplant before the end of 2020. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, 77: Refuses donations, uses his own money. Bloomberg – a billionaire – has had so many body parts replaced that he’s 87% robot and could be one of the first humans to live forever.
Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, little, bigoted religion,” Bishop Kenneth H. Carter stated. “We want no part of their thinly-veiled hatred for people who are different from them.” Hours later, excommunicated church members announced that they’ve already started the “Straight Power Methodist” denomination where self-loathing homosexuals are still welcome.
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
Until I read Susan Collin’s book Quiet I never consciously realized I was a prattling, annoying bitch. It was one of life’s “aha” moments. I personally don’t believe extroversion is a virtue. Extroverts: If you took the time to shut the fuck up, your friends would be telling you to shut the fuck up. Here are 5 tips on how to do just that. 1. Develop a negative overall view of your temperament and personality. Seeing these characteristics as flawed has been extremely helpful to me. So go ahead and learn to acknowledge things that you’re bad at, then pile on the self-criticism. 2. Realize your opinion is meaningless to practically everyone. Some of my biggest professional successes have come from shutting the fuck up. I feel most comfortable when I’m silent. The more experiences I’ve had of offering nothing, the more comfortable I’ve become with it. Once you accumulate some experience keeping your stupid opinions to yourself, and achieving good results from it, it’ll get easier. 3. Understand that you aren’t special. Extroverts come in one greyish-blah color and are fueled by any sort of attention. Another fundamental aspect is your natural tendency to want to respond back before digesting any information. Instead, go away and ponder. Then, don’t come back. 5. Understand what the fuck you’re doing. Examples: Interrupting people who are concentrating, creating noisy environments, and never turning off your social mode. What to do: Minimize and find workarounds for whatever makes you particularly obnoxious. If you are easily overstimulated, you might benefit from reading Francis Brown’s book Everyone Wants You to Shut the Fuck Up! Consider learning physiological self-harm strategies that will dissuade you from repeat incidents after you’ve succumbed to overstimulation. 4. Distinguish between confidence and being a cocky asshole. Extroverted people are overconfident in both (1) their subpar abilities, and (2) that they will generally be liked by others. If you’re missing one of these types of confidence, you’re on your way to likability. Photo credit Urs Steiner
A visibly shocked and annoyed Pope Francis had to slap a woman in a crowd at St Peter’s Square during a New Year’s Eve party after she aggressively and repeatedly grabbed his ass. Francis, who had been twerking through the square, had just finished grinding with a young boy. The Pope then turned and started shaking his ass at the crowd. Just then, a nearby woman lunged, seized his cheeks, and pull him towards her. The abrupt humping motion seemed to cause him pain as Francis swiftly slapped the woman before pulling his ass free and dancing his way back toward the boy. As of press time the woman in question had been identified, charged with sexual assault, and excommunicated from the Church. Meanwhile, Francis and the boy were spotted this morning having brunch. The two were then headed to purchase the teenager a brand new car, the latest iPhone, and whatever else it takes to get past last night’s trauma.