Senate Republicans celebrated their success in acquitting president Trump today, admitting their complete incompetence was a ruse that all but assures Republican Senators will never be called for jury duty. “We had our eyes on the prize the whole time and it really paid off,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell s grinned. “We’ve now clearly demonstrated an inability to be fair or impartial; meaning we’ll never receive a jury summons or have to pretend to care about the rule of law again.”
Countless Americans are up-in-arms after Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi took her copy of president Trump’s State of the Union speech and tore it into pieces. Pelosi says that compared to what the president has said and done that she is more than comfortable standing by her actions. “I did it and I’d do it again,” Pelosi grinned. “I moved on that speech like a bitch, grabbed it right by the title, and tore it apart – because when you’re Speaker they let you do it!”
The voting app used for last night’s Iowa Caucus crashed multiple times after thousands of Russian hackers attempted to log in to vote at the same time. Now, Russian president Vladimir Putin is crying foul – calling the results “tainted” and “a hoax.” “Perceived democracy is something to be valued as a social tool to control the masses,” Putin confirmed. “Last night destroyed my confidence that America will ever be a truly viable democracy for Russia to manipulate.” Meanwhile, two large protests have broken out in Moscow and St. Petersburg over Russia’s inability to participate in last night’s Iowa Caucus.
After conservative shock jock Rush Limbaugh told his radio listeners that he was diagnosed with lung cancer today, people across the globe opened their hearts and their wallets to raise money to remove Rush Limbaugh from the young lung tumor. Around noon Eastern time a GoFundMe page was set up to raise money for the operation and within an hour the goal of $200,000 had already been surpassed; meaning that surgeons will be able to extract Rush Limbaugh from the tumor this coming Friday. Meanwhile, doctors say they are baffled by the situation as it is the first documented case of cancer getting cancer.
President Trump announced today that he will be reinstating “Don’t ask, don’t tell” (DADT), which was the official United States policy on military service by gays, bisexuals, and lesbians up until 2011. President Trump says the law will bar openly gay people like Pete Buttigieg from being Commander in Chief of the US military. “It doesn’t matter what role you are in the military,” Trump stated. “private, corporal, top, bottom, sergeant, twink, or bear; if you’re out, you’re out! That means you Mayor Pete!”
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt