“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
Can’t Spell? No Problem: Dating App Users Are Attracted to Partners Who Can’t Spell
Being unable to spell is no longer considered a ‘dealbreaker’ among most Americans.
Oblivious Mike Pence Wears Furry Tail to CPAC
An attempt to clue the Vice President in using his teleprompter backfired; resulting in Pence aggressively shouting “There’s a tail sticking out of your ass” in the middle of an impassioned speech on moral decay in America.
Americans Shatter Book-Burning Record on Read Across America Day
“In retrospect, I picked the wrong book to read to them.” Louisiana Governor John Edwards stated. “I chose Seuss’ first published work The Pocket Book of Boners and by the time I finished reading the title all hell had broken loose.”
Trump is Building a ‘Golden, Mansion-Style Prison’
Trump said that the new complex would be “an experiment representing a new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.”
Trump’s High School Revokes GED
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
Trump: “We All Know I Would Never Kiss a Black Woman”
“This isn’t about racism,” Trump stated. “It’s about my tiny dick.”
Harvard Study Reveals that All Homophobic Men are Gay
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
President Trump Announces Massive 4th of July Celebration for Liberals
“HOLD THE DATE! We will be having one of the largest gatherings in the history of Washington State,” Trump wrote. “There will be a rainbow of fireworks, the best drag queens – only the best – and the first ever reading of the US Constitution by your favorite President, me!”
Mitch McConnell Admits to Being 1/8th Turtle
“In common public opinion, turtles are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”
Patriots Owner Caught in Massive Cheese-Fetish Pornography Ring
“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.”
Down-to-Earth Elizabeth Warren Hits Rick and Morty Bong on Instagram Livestream
The Senator began the livestream by saying “Hold on a sec, I’m going to go grab my bong,” before exiting the shot and flipping on ‘Kaya’ by Bob Marley.
Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
Samsung Announces its Cheaper, Single-Use Galaxy 1-Fold
“This bendable phone comes with all of the same features as the Galaxy Fold, but the device can only be folded in half one time,” Samsung CEO Kim Suk stated.
Freeloaders Donate Record Amount to Crazy Socialist Bernie Sanders
“Crazy Bernie wants people working 40+ hours a week to be able to pay bills, not rely on our perfectly good government programs that the middle class funds. That’s crazy Bernie for ya. So Un-American folks!” – Trump
Sexist Liberals Divide Party by Excluding “Bernie Hoes”
“The left prides itself on inclusivity, but here I am having to scream ‘DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER!?'”
Trump: “Let’s All Just Say Half of the Pledge and Call It a Day”
“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump
Trump to Declare National Emergency & Melt Down Statue of Liberty on Friday
A White House official has confirmed that President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency on Friday in order to both fund the border wall and melt down the Statue of Liberty to use as construction material. “The President is making a smart move here by using materials that we already have available to lower […]
Senator Cory Booker & Elmo Remind Americans: “Despite Incredibly Hot Beard, Ted Cruz is Still a Douche”
Booker’s 15 minute ventriloquism act included a perfectly performed impersonation of Sesame Street’s best-known character.
Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
Democrats Are Lobbying Melania Trump to Have Sex With the President
Democrats are trying to persuade Melania Trump to bring the president to mindblowing climax.
A Face-Licking Epidemic is Freaking Out Floridians
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”
Virginia Politician: “What if We Only Painted Our Genitals?”
“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”
Democrats Will be Testing Trump’s Grasp of Object Permanence Tonight by Bringing Real People to The State of The Union Address
“Now, when I place Sajid in a crouching position behind me I’ll look for a confused expression on the president’s face. Soon thereafter – and here’s where it gets interesting – Sajid will pop out from behind me and…”
Demand for Structurally-Reinforced Toilets Spikes as More Obese Americans Poop With Their Smart Phones
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO
Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes Gave His MVP Trophy to a Nearby Native American Tribe
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
McDonald’s is Giving Away Red Heart Disease Awareness T-Shirts With Purchase of Grand Big Mac Meal
The 1,750 calorie meal has made its return for the month of February only.
More Than 6,000 Airplanes are Still Frozen Over US Airspace
“You can expect your loved ones to land safely; with only minor amputations being necessary.”
Trump Admits ‘The Polar Vortex is Caused by Climate Change’
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”
FaceTime Bug Causes Small Wormholes to Appear & Suck Up iPhones, Nearby Objects
“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.”
