“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
Being unable to spell is no longer considered a ‘dealbreaker’ among most Americans.
An attempt to clue the Vice President in using his teleprompter backfired; resulting in Pence aggressively shouting “There’s a tail sticking out of your ass” in the middle of an impassioned speech on moral decay in America.
“In retrospect, I picked the wrong book to read to them.” Louisiana Governor John Edwards stated. “I chose Seuss’ first published work The Pocket Book of Boners and by the time I finished reading the title all hell had broken loose.”
Trump said that the new complex would be “an experiment representing a new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.”
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
“This isn’t about racism,” Trump stated. “It’s about my tiny dick.”
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
“HOLD THE DATE! We will be having one of the largest gatherings in the history of Washington State,” Trump wrote. “There will be a rainbow of fireworks, the best drag queens – only the best – and the first ever reading of the US Constitution by your favorite President, me!”
“In common public opinion, turtles are just cold-blooded, unthinking and unfeeling creatures,” University of Kentucky Herpetology professor Horace Bartjis stated. “So McConnell really chose the right profession.”
“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.”
The Senator began the livestream by saying “Hold on a sec, I’m going to go grab my bong,” before exiting the shot and flipping on ‘Kaya’ by Bob Marley.
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
“This bendable phone comes with all of the same features as the Galaxy Fold, but the device can only be folded in half one time,” Samsung CEO Kim Suk stated.
“Crazy Bernie wants people working 40+ hours a week to be able to pay bills, not rely on our perfectly good government programs that the middle class funds. That’s crazy Bernie for ya. So Un-American folks!” – Trump
“The left prides itself on inclusivity, but here I am having to scream ‘DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER!?'”
“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump
A White House official has confirmed that President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency on Friday in order to both fund the border wall and melt down the Statue of Liberty to use as construction material. “The President is making a smart move here by using materials that we already have available to lower […]
Booker’s 15 minute ventriloquism act included a perfectly performed impersonation of Sesame Street’s best-known character.
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
Democrats are trying to persuade Melania Trump to bring the president to mindblowing climax.
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”
“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”
“Now, when I place Sajid in a crouching position behind me I’ll look for a confused expression on the president’s face. Soon thereafter – and here’s where it gets interesting – Sajid will pop out from behind me and…”
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
The 1,750 calorie meal has made its return for the month of February only.
“You can expect your loved ones to land safely; with only minor amputations being necessary.”
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”
“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.”