“He didn’t know that whales were real and he is unreasonably terrified of them.”
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Pope Francis Officially Moves Christmas 2019 to March
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”
Heartbroken Ford Owners Euthanize 874,000 Shitty Pickup Trucks
Mass graves are filling up outside of the Ford Truck Plant in Dearborn, MI.
4 in 5 Men Think Masturbating With Another Man ‘Isn’t Gay’
A poll of 565 men has found that 82% did not believe mutual masturbation to be a homosexual act, with respondents expressing a sentiment that touching cock isn’t gay, but lips touching lips is gay – meaning that emotional intimacy is their real issue – not the dick. What do you think? Joshua O’brien: “If […]
Surgeon Gives Justice Ginsburg 3rd Lung to ‘Allow for Epic Bong Rips’
Ginsburg is maintaining a steady high with edibles from Senator Sanders until her new lung is healed.
Banned Bump Stocks Will Be Recycled as Sex Toys, Justice Department Says
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.”
Trump: Construction of Gold, Mansion-Styled Prison ‘is First Big Step Toward Prison Reform’
The 112 bed, 202 bath Mar-a-Lago Federal Correction Complex will be one of a kind.
Gay Tryst, Pee Tape Emerge in Mueller Investigation
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
Ghost of John McCain Announces 2020 Presidential Bid
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
Lettuce Recall Helps Millions of Vegans Cut Carbon Footprint by Dying of Starvation
We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump
Donald Trump: ‘Why Don’t We Have a White Friday!?’
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #Disgraceful.
World’s Remaining Nice People ‘Strongly Considering Not Being Taken Advantage of Anymore’
We’re leaning toward ‘acting just like all of you fucking assholes.’
Remorseful Jim Acosta ‘What the Fuck Have I Done!?’
“Jim just got front row seats to Broadway’s shit musical ‘Adolph Twitler: The Fuckface von Clownstick Story’
Tenacious Justice Ginsburg Lands 720 Gazelle Flip With 3 Broken Ribs
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos.
Scott Walker Begins Sobering Up to Qualify for Unemployment Assistance
Scott Walker will now have to flush his system of illegal substances in order to qualify for unemployment assistance.
Nervous Voters Voice Concern Over Correct Ballot Answer Always Being (D)
“I almost gave up and started drawing patterns in the bubbles, but then I remembered I was voting.”
Subaru Openly Markets Car Finish for Lesbians
Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians.
Starbucks Apologizes to Christians, Plans to Release a New Line of Religious Cups
“Starbucks will now be using cups with the following messages and designs instead of the happy holidays ones…”
CNN Will No Longer Broadcast Anything About Trump
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.
Gigantic Gold-Plated Package Left on White House Lawn
The package was a 6 foot tall, gold-plated cube that weighed nearly 3.5 tons.
Trail of Korean Water Ghosts is Closing in on America
“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.”
Guys: Here’s Why You Should Let Her Put Stuff in Your Booty
“It’s not like we’re asking them to carry our purses up there – although that would be ideal and hopefully it leads to that.”
NRA Billboards Encourage Mass Shooters to Become Event Planners Instead
The NRA is utilizing “balloon art guns” and the hashtag #LiterallyDead as part of their marketing.
Bewildered Hurricane Responders Begin Arduous Task of ‘Moving Everything 10 Feet to the Right’
“Honestly, I think we’re just going to move every piece of debris 10 feet to the right and see if that helps,” Long stated.
Mitch McConnell Legally Changes Name to ‘Bitch McConnell’
“Let’s just admit it, Mitch is such a basic bitch name.” – Senator Bitch McConnell
Chef Starts Cannibalism Diet Trend Across United States
Garten has been raising her own humans for consumption in a coop next to her garden.
Columbus Day: Exxon Discovers, Spills Oil on Native American Land
Dawn has sent 5,500 bottles of soap to help clean thousands of Native Americans who are now covered in oil.
Kavanaugh to Be Moved to Top of Liver Transplant List if Confirmed
“Kavanaugh needs a liver by Christmas and the Democrats don’t give a lick!” – Senator Lindsey Graham
#Kavanaugh #FBIReport #SupremeCourt
Trump: ‘I’m Sending Every Tweet Through the Presidential Alert System From Now On’
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones.
Tofurky Releases Trophy-Hunt Lion Steak, More Options
“We’re trying to attract more meat-eaters by selling a diverse selection of what we are pretty sure they like to eat,”
