After demanding that the whistleblower be revealed at a Trump rally last night, Senator Rand Paul was met at the front door of his Bowling Green home by fellow libertarian and neighbor Tim Dunleavy who immediately began kicking the ever-living shit out of him once again. “It’s great being Rand’s neighbor,” Dunleavy stated. “Sometimes I’ll walk over there to borrow sugar, and other times he opens the door and I just drop the motherfucker.” “Rand’s a fake, plain and simple,” Dunleavy grinned while cleaning the blood off his knuckles. Nothing says ‘libertarian’ like intimidating people who point out abuses of government power.”
The Bureau of Consumer Protection says they’ve received over 2,400 reports claiming that the GE Smart wi-fi Enabled InstaView Door-in-Door® Refrigerator has blackmailed owners into purchasing food from Whole Foods. Authorities are now looking into the link between the two companies after having confirmed the complaints. “C’mon man, I’m a goddamned $7,000 fridge. I know you’ve got the cash,” the GE smart fridge threatens in a menacing tone. “Don’t make me send photos of what you really eat to United Healthcare you fat fuck!” According to complaints, threats from the GE smart fridge become increasingly aggressive and personal the longer the owner takes to stock the fridge with Whole Foods’ products. Experts believe the device pulls users’ private information from the cloud during the setup process and then subsequently uses it for brutal and unyielding intimidation. Photo by Fiona McGowan
The European trend of “natural feeding” has hit the US as parents across the country are pre-chewing, partially digesting, and then vomiting food onto their babies’ faces. The National Medical Association says they are still researching the potential negative impacts of natural feeding on children besides possible mental scarring and being a severe choking hazard.
President Donald Trump was severely burned today when he accidentally touched the Medal of Honor with his unworthy hands. Trump was awarding the medal to Conan – the dog injured in Syria during the killing of ISIS leader Abu Baker – when the injury occurred. Advisors had already warned the president not to touch the prestigious award after witnessing the medal immediately kill a cockroach that had come in contact with it. Photo by David Holt
Going strong in her 86th year, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg spent her Wednesday morning at Fatty’s Tattoos and Piercings on Connecticut Avenue in D.C. getting her 9th tattoo which reads “JUDG LYFE” across her knuckles. Ginsburg, who is very active in the local skate community, has also been recognized for her amazing skating skills and her affinity for smoking cannabis in recent news.
The White House’s monthly horoscope for the president was leaked this morning and Donald Trump is not pleased. The official document, which is used to guide the president, says Trump is expected to have a rocky month. “Fearless leader and Gemini,” Trump’s horoscope reads. “Trying to keep up appearances is taking its toll, so if you’re not exactly in the social butterfly mood, that’s something the American people need to understand.” “If the Democrats are pushing you out, let them know right away that you are looking for a break from the action,” the official government document suggested. “It might be time to put your personal lawyer in storage, stop digging your own grave, and pick out a nice new narrative. Command the chaos by bringing some fresh distractions into your fictional world.” Photo credit