Jeff Bezos announced today that he will be flying to outer space next month on Blue Origin’s New Shepard Rocket in order to “get a better look at Earth” before deciding if he wants to buy it. The flight, which will take place on July 20th, will be the final deciding factor in whether or not our planet will be owned by one man. “I can’t wait for the launch when I’ll see all of the humans looking like the ants they are – and then disappearing – all while I look down on everyone like the God that I am,” Bezos grinned while steepling his hands. “You know. I want to see if it feels right. Kick the tires and check her out. Plus, There’s always other planets if I don’t like what I see.” Bezos’ released flight schedule also shows him spending time setting up an off-planet tax shelter and relaxing as far away as possible from his ex-wife. Original Photo credit Daniel Oberhaus
Matt Gaetz Ticketed Again For Driving Too Slowly In School Zone
Representative Matt Gaetz (R-FL) was ticketed for the fourth time yesterday by Fort Walton Beach Police for repeatedly driving back and forth in front of a high school at 10 to 15 miles per hour below the speed limit. Authorities say he was driving too slowly and seemed “very distracted” by the students who were leaving at the end of the school day. “It’s illegal in Florida to go more than 10 miles per hour under the speed limit,” officer John Samuels stated. “Mr. Gaetz was driving around 2 miles per hour in a 15 and he was holding up traffic. He also appeared to be yelling something about Venmo at some of the girls.” A representative from the high school who is familiar with Gaetz’s says he has a habit of driving past the school over and over again. “He doesn’t even have children and yet he still cares enough to slow down and really, really look for kids,” the representative stated. “Sometimes he’ll even get in the line with the rest of the parents to try pick up students and offer rides. Such a nice guy!” When reached for comment, Gaetz told reporters that he was not a scoping out the high schoolers, but rather just being a careful driver who is “absolutely not a pedophile.” “Statistics say that about one in three people live next to a pedophile; however I think that’s a lie because I just live next to two stunning 17-year-olds.” As of press time Gaetz’s lawyer was explaining to him why he couldn’t fight the ticket by telling a judge that he was “just picking up his girlfriend.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore.
Senate Democrats Form New Commission To Investigate How Republicans Can Live With Themselves
Bewildered by their political counterparts, Senate Democrats voted today to form a new commission that will hopefully help them to understand exactly how Republicans are able to live with themselves. Referred to as the F.A.C.T.S. Commission – short for Finding Acceptance for Conservatives and Their Scandals – Democrats say the new agency will take on one issue at a time in order to “try to learn how Republicans can even sleep at night.” According to Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer, the first order of business for the new commission will be understanding how Republicans can morally justify not wanting to investigate the January 6th Capitol insurrection. When reached for comment on the new commission, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said he was “not a fan of F.A.C.T.S.” “As far as the Republican Party is concerned there’s absolutely no place for F.A.C.T.S. on the Senate floor,” McConnell mumbled. “It will be a cold day in hell when we let things like F.A.C.T.S. distract us from our agenda.” As of press time McConnell was forming his own commission to counter F.A.C.T.S. called the Commission On Vindicating Every Republican Upholding Peace, or C.O.V.E.R.U.P. Photo credit Kimberly Vardeman
Unruly Conservatives Will Be Tased ‘Mercilessly & Without Warning’ On Spirit Airlines
Reports of an extreme uptick in unruly behavior by conservative passengers has prompted Spirit Airlines to announce that they are now supplying crew members with tasers. “In an average year, there are around 100 to 150 cases of bad passenger behavior,” Spirit Airlines CEO Edward Christie stated. “However, since the start of this 2021, that number has shot up to over 2,500, with 1,900 of which being right wing passengers who refused to comply with the federal mask mandate.” Christie continued. “It’s become quite clear that we’ve given passengers far too much leeway while they are aboard our planes.” Christie stated. “To empower our employees, we’ve added fine print to all tickets clearly stating that Spirit Airlines workers have the right to tase passengers – at any time – mercilessly and without warning.” “If you refuse to wear a mask, you get tased,” Christie stated. “If you’re talking or not paying attention during the pre-flight safety briefing? Tased. Get out of your seat when the seatbelt sign is still lit up? Tased. Raising your voice? Tased. So much as look at us wrong. Tased.” Christie says Spirit Airlines estimates that they will make an additional $750 million in revenue from the new rule, as anyone who is tased will be required to pay a $5,000 fine per shock. Photo credit Marco Verch
‘Saying No To The Commission Doesn’t Imply We’re Guilty’ McConnell Chants With Hypnotized Republicans
Mitch McConnell (R-KY) was seen hypnotizing fellow Republicans on the Senate floor today with the clear goal of making them feel okay with voting ‘no’ on the January 6th commission. “Voting against the Capitol insurrection investigation in no way implies that Republicans are admitting guilt – or trying to cover up anything,” McConnell uttered into a microphone before pulling out a pocket watch on a chain. Now that he had everyone’s attention, McConnell began the hypnosis by slowly swinging the watch back and forth. “You’re getting sleepy. Very sleepy,” McConnell mumbled. “I want you to close your eyes and I’m going to count backward from ten. When I snap my fingers you will find yourself in a deep state of relaxation; like when you hear that an inmate on death row was killed, or how it feels to rest your head on a My Pillow at night.” McConnell counted down and then snapped his fingers; leaving the Senators in a trance. “Now, repeat after me,” McConnell muttered. “Saying ‘no’ to the January 6th commission doesn’t imply we’re guilty of anything. Saying ‘no’ to the January 6th commission doesn’t imply we’re guilty of anything. Saying ‘no’ to the January 6th commission doesn’t imply we’re guilty of anything.” Their voices echoed throughout the Senate chamber. After nearly 15 minutes of chanting, McConnell released the Senators from the hypnosis by whispering “They’re coming for your guns” – causing every Republican in the room to snap back to their skewed version of reality.
‘C’mon Jeff, Do You Really Need Another $10 Billion?’ Bezos Asks Himself Before Slowly Grinning, Laughing Maniacally In Mirror
Despite having already accumulated over $188 billion in wealth, an amendment has been added to legislation in the US Senate that will allow Jeff Bezos to receive another $10 billion from NASA — money that will most likely go directly toward his aerospace company Blue Origin. What do you think? Orig. main Photo credit Doc Searls
Distraught Johnny Knoxville Shouts At Sky ‘Why Haven’t You Killed Me Yet!?’ On His 50th Birthday
Photo credit Gage Skidmore