Our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who wants to purchase more military-grade weapons.
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Trump: ‘South Koreans Have Fired Japan Over Itself With a Nuclear Missile’
In an emotional response, U.S. President Donald Trump has tweeted a well-thought-out message to the world regarding the alarming missile launch today over Japan:
Bill Preventing Members of Congress From Watching Porn at Work Stalls in the Senate
After procedural introduction of the bill, Ted Cruz (R-TX) immediately shouted, “Permission to speak freely!?” in an echoing, emotional, yet somehow guttural and primal tone.
Fans in Section 129 at NFL Game Engage in Reasonable Discourse Regarding Colin Kaepernick
Citing differing opinions regarding Freedom of Speech as found in the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, fans in section 129 of the Carolina Panthers vs. San Francisco 49ers game spent the 12-minute halftime respectfully debating the merits of free speech in relation to patriotism.
North Korea Accidentally Nukes Itself
The North Korean leader then flipped open a glass-encased red button, pressed it, and was immediately torn apart – along with the rest of his country – by a faulty nuclear missile.
United Kicked Woman Off Plane for Refusing to Remove Religious Headscarf, Speak
Trump tweeted and gave approval for the TSA to ban all passengers from flying if they dress like the suspect who is now in detainment.
Volvo Unveils Controversial Car Designed ‘Exclusively for Women’
“Volvo states that “physically, the cars will be exactly the same as current models; however…”
Mike Pence Has Totally Snapped
On Thursday night, Vice President Mike Pence walked up to Donald Trump just outside of the White House Kitchen and “straight up dropped the motherfucker” with a right hook. An hour later at press time Pence was seen entering the The Crew Club – a famous Washington D.C. gay bathhouse. “Obviously nothing matters anymore, so…
Bill Nye Quits Science Think Tank, Sends Trump Blunt Resignation
I had to simplify it enough so that Trump would maybe understand it and still take the time to read the whole thing.”
Trump Blasts Green Energy, Obama for ‘Unseasonably Dark Day’
“When you get a maniac like Obama. Okay. And he is, he really is. Then you end up with days like today,” Trump stated while pointing toward the only side of the room without any windows.
Stoned Sun Listens to Pink Floyd’s ‘Dark Side of the Moon’ and ‘Gets it’ This Time
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BREAKING: White House Sources – Trump Has Awful Stroke
“I would always tell him that it’s not a good idea to eat a ‘snack’ before, during, and after each hole at one of his world-renowned golf courses,” sadly…
Jay Cutler Agrees to Ruin Dolphins’ 2017 Season for $10 Million
With Tannehill likely out for the year, an opening was created for Culter to come in and really disappoint Miami fans…
Cursed Melania: “I Dug up Donald in Egypt over 100 Years Ago”
Formerly an archeologist in the early 19th century, Melania unearthed Donald in Egypt back in 1909.
Strict ‘No Farting’ Policy Enforced in White House
President Donald Trump used a morning staff meeting today to address leaks that have plagued his administration since day one. In an impassioned speech, the President touched on many topics – concluding with the implementation of a strict ‘No Farting’ policy. The new White House rule was accidentally released to the media by Press Secretary…
Wright Brothers Condemn United Airlines Incident
In a timely press release the Wright Brothers, who invented flight, said “This isn’t what we intended. We only overbooked as a joke when racist aunt Karen wanted to visit, and she wasn’t technically, completely white.” Thank you for reading our latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook…
Schwarzenegger Identified as White House Intruder with “Backpack”
“Schwarzenegger was also not ‘carrying a backpack,’ he was actually strapped in to a military-grade jet pack.”
Pope Francis Will Allow Gay Priests to Marry
“Let’s fix this now and add some pizzazz and sparkle to the church.”- Pope Francis
Obama Begins Nationwide Confiscation of Guns
The former President reported that it was “very easy” to find most of the guns.
How to Identify Fake News
Here are key ways to minimize the negative impact of such websites.
Trump Steals Song Lyrics for Press Conference Answer
“What would you say to those around the world who are afraid of your leadership” – Trump paused, took a deep breath, and began:
Donald Trump: Why Don’t We Have a White Friday?
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #Disgraceful.
Lying Obummers Slays Pardoned Turkeys
Obama backtracks on promise to spare the lives of innocent turkeys named Tater and Tot – ruining a longstanding American tradition.
Michelle Obama Lifts Barack to Place Kenyan Symbol on Christmas Tree
Tallest first lady ever lifts President Obama in famous tradition.
SoCal Children, Babies Already Impacted by THC in Smog
Californians may have unknowingly gotten a lot of small children incredibly high.
8’6″ Michelle Obama Frequently Rescues Cats From D.C. Trees
A little known fact about our eight-foot-six-inch-tall first lady Michelle Obama is that she uses her phenomenally long and powerful arms to rescue cats and kittens that get stuck in Washington D.C. metropolitan area trees. Hovering at just over 8’6″, and being the tallest woman in the world, the first lady said that she felt…
Princeton Study: How Trump Defeated Clinton, Why the Polls Were Wrong
The polls showed a likely win for her, but the results did not reflect that; whatsoever. Now we have a fail-safe and proven reason as to why he managed to become the next President of the United States of America.
5th Hijacked Plane from 9/11 Still Flying
There is, in fact, a 5th hijacked plan from 9/11 that is still flying above our borders, with hostages. Let that sink in, because I know I had to as well. Let’s just pause to think about that.”
BREAKING: Supreme Court Cancels 2016 Election, Unanimously
BREAKING: (D.C.) In an unprecedented judicial move, the United States Supreme Court has just used its power to halt the 2016 Presidential election on the grounds of an obscure, little-known, yet legitimate measure found in The U.S. Constitution. With one seat still vacant in the court, the 8-0 vote passed in the late hours of…
A Furious, Confused Sarah Palin Lashes Out at Black Lives Matter
“Obviously black people love sports, and that’s why their babies are born during the basketball season, and football, and for those Kenyan blacks – the spring track season,” said Palin.
Study: At Least 50% of Americans Need to Restart Their Brains
Leading scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) are saying that a large portion of Americans need to hit the reset button on their brains. The problem has gotten so bad that scientists fear many people can’t actually see how different things can be interconnected, or conversely, completely unrelated. “The human brain is not…
Severe Depression to Impact Holiday Weekend for Many
With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering down might be the wisest decision. “For me, it looks like the depression will be…
Tragic Death Ends Trump Campaign
***BREAKING*** (Washington D.C.) The Republican National Committee is openly taking responsibility for the death of front runner presidential candidate Donald Trump. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, immediately spoke out about the decision to kill the candidate. “We feel a loss. There’s no doubt about it,” stated Ryan. “We have hundreds of thousands – millions…
The Case for Kasich: How He’ll Be The Nominee
With Senator Ted Cruz dropping out, John Kasich is the only hope for the Republican establishment. Here’s how he can still win…
Unprecedented Massachusetts Law Bans Homophobes From Bathrooms
(Boston, MA) In what can only be called shocking, Massachusetts legislators have passed a law that bans homophobic people from using bathrooms. The law, which will take effect on Monday, has some people – for lack of a better term – pissed off.
Trump, Cruz Exchange Horrific Insults About Wives, Again
(New York, NY) It appears that the wife-bashing has returned to the Republican campaign for presidency with Donald Trump and Ted Cruz shooting a barrage of horrific insults back and forth. It all started with another tweet from Trump…
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton Agrees to Debate Bernie Sanders
After weeks of back-and-forth rhetoric, Hillary Clinton has finally agreed to debate Bernie Sanders. The Hillary Clinton/DNC Campaign has generously offered several dates, times, and locations for the two to clash – including some specific rules. Option #1: During the NCAA Championship game on April 4th, 2016. Debate Rules: The debate cannot begin before the…
American Psychologists Release Estimated IQ’s of Presidential Candidates
American psychologists assessed IQ’s of Presidential Candidates #jeopardy
Donald Trump Admits He’s Bisexual at Wisconsin Rally
(Janesville, WI) Donald Trump is known for saying shocking things at his rallies, but today in Wisconsin he wowed the crowd with a stunning admission. Donald Trump is bisexual. Let that sink in.
Papa John’s Delivery Driver Saves Woman’s Life
Everything began when delivery driver Jessica Sturns noticed that something was awry when she saw the additional comment on the delivery instructions which read:
Washington Redskins Change Mascot to The Negroes
“In lieu of officially being called “The Redskins,” the team has announced – in a short press release – that they will now go by “The Washington…”
6 More Ways America Leads The World
“America leads the world in pretty much everything awesome, there’s no need to even research that because everyone knows it. Fact. Period. Soaring eagles. End of story. But, did you know that…”
Ben Carson Lays Out Detailed Terror Plot to Help ISIS
“During the latest Republican Presidential Debate, Dr. Ben Carson took the time to lay out a shockingly specific plan for how ISIS could severely cripple the…”
PART 2: Elderly Real Estate Agent Clearly No Longer Cares if Listings Don’t Sell
Jeffrey Larson, a veteran, 70-something real estate agent in Southern California, continues to give zero fucks if his listings will sell. Larson’s lack of concern and unhelpful marketing for his clients was apparent when we first covered his story, but this latest home description is pretty freaking out there: “This is a rare opportunity to…
Milwaukee to Issue Flamethrowers to Residents
“Milwaukee, Wisconsin Alderman Jim Bohl has made a sweeping decree to issue flamethrowers to all residents in light of slow and ineffective snow-clearing efforts in the city. An order has already been put in with an undisclosed military manufacturer for nearly…”
SeaWorld Refusing to Free Dead Whale
SeaWorld in San Antonio, Texas is refusing to properly dispose of the corpse of the recently deceased, 18-year-old orca named Unna. Instead, the park has opted to continue using the lifeless animal to continue bringing in crowds and doing shows.
With PETA in an uproar and petitions circling the Internet…
Steve Harvey Names Winner From Wrong Planet for Miss Universe
Steve Harvey, miss universe, wrong, winner, planet, kolob, names, crowns, mistake, error
NRA Releases a Warning Regarding Mass Shootings
“Hopefully you are aware of the widespread gun ban suggestions that threaten the United States and your right to arm yourself. Remember: Just because…”
Holiday Tip: Options for Recycling Your Relative – Part 2
“We were quickly made aware that a lot of our readers live in colder climates that do not warrant leaving a frozen corpse outside. So if you live in one of those areas that is just too cold, but you have a fireplace – read on…”
Holiday Tip: Options For Recycling Your Relative
“With the holiday season upon us here in the United States, it’s time to start thinking about which elderly or annoying relative you want to recycle this year…”
