“The Hall of Fam is like the silver medal for personal achievement. It’s meant for the guys that are a tad better than just okay.”
Sarah Sanders: “Memorial Day is a Republican Holiday”
“Patriotism, the military, and war are all inherently republican. We own them,” Sanders stated.
Mr. Clean Cosplayers Host Bonfire Party in Dayton, Ohio
The group stands out by wearing white clothing, often with pointed hoods to keep their bald heads warm.
Piling Bodies, Trash & Feces Make Mount Everest 9 Feet Taller Every Week
“It’s an odd hellscape where you can hear people scream as their bones crunch under your boots.”
Study: Guys Use 3X More Lotion Than Girls, and Yes, You Know Why
“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.”
Most Americans Happy Game of Star Wars is Over
“If fans are demanding a complete reshoot of the final season, then I’ve avoided 71 episodes of anticlimactic bullshit.”
Sarah McLachlan Passes The Curse of The Arms of The Angel on to Maelyn Jarmon Live on The Voice
Elders of the ASPCA materialized on stage. Cloaked in black hoods, they hovered and waited for Jarmon to sign their commercial contract in her own blood.
Your Accurate Horoscope For Today
“Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – You are feeling ecstatic and delighted inside – creating a real impact on those around you. Just go along with your…”
Kim Kardashian Sues Jack in the Box Over Explosive Diarrhea
“Because of the extreme food poisoning, Kim has also experienced dramatic silicone loss in the [expletive], lip and breast regions.”
Courageous Group is Taking Back the Swastika.
“I’m not sure why we’d give the swastika to one side over the other,” Trump stated. “If we’re trying to accept everyone, we need to start by including minority groups like the Klan in these discussions.”
Elizabeth Warren Becomes Spokeswoman for New Lesbian Dating App Mufflr
According to their website, Mufflr is being funded by powerful lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Hillary Clinton.
Greenpeace Tells Americans: “Wipe Your Butts With Your Hands”
“Who cares if you can’t wash the smell off, you’ve saved an orangutan!”
Uber Adds Rude ‘Shut Up’ Button to Silence Drivers During Rides
“The abrupt endings of these conversations will lead to awkward silences, but the thrill of a total power trip makes it all worth it.”
Republican Bill Blocking Funding for Planned Parenthood Aborted on US Senate Floor
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
Trump Ends Capitalism in The United States
Maybe I give some intellectual property to China and maybe in return they build me a wall on the border using those Nike worker children. Can we do this? I don’t know folks, but we’re going to try.”
Radical Religious Group “Y’all-Qaeda” Bans Abortion in Alabama
Authorities have confirmed that Y’all-Qaeda leadership has ties to a Mississippi terror cell referred to as Talabangelicals who are also complete [expletive].
Everyone Who Used Snapchat’s Gender-Swap Filter is Now Banned From US Military
The ban is estimated to block 82.6 million US citizens from service and dishonorably discharge another 1.7 million Americans from the military.
Trump Explains Why He Hasn’t Made a Homophobic Nickname For Pete Buttigieg, Yet
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”
The Science of The Butt Dial: How Your Booty Calls People Without You Knowing
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.”
Most of Denver’s Population is in It’s 30th Hour of Tripping Balls Since Mushrooms Were Decriminalized
Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces.
Disney’s Jungle Cruise Movie is Finally PC Enough to Film After 13 Years of Rewrites
“We totally nixed three scenes where Dwayne Johnson would’ve been firing his gun at a bunch of hippos for absolutely no reason.”
Massive Opium Fields to Be Burned Off in Wisconsin After Monsanto-Bayer Merger Fails
“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”
Betsy DeVos Removes ‘Appreciation’ From National Teacher Appreciation Day
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.”
Elizabeth Warren Recommends Changing Your Dreamcatcher Filter Every Spring
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren
What Happens to the 19 Dead Horses After the Kentucky Derby?
“We sell the meat to Taco Bell, send a bunch of parts to candy factories and use the rest to make high-end huffing glue.”
US Dept. Of Health: ‘Never Stick Anything Larger than a Grapefruit Up Your Butt’
“Remember, we’re only talking about girth. So if you wanted to tape 7 oversized grapefruits together and play hide the citrus in your [expletive], you could absolutely do that.” Secretary Alex Azar stated.
Steve Cohen Sparks Massive Dumpster Fire on House Floor, Bites Heads Off of Live Chickens
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.
Yale Study Says Farting Burns More Calories Than Working Out
“If friendship and odors don’t matter to you, then you could really get in great shape.”
Trapped & Furious: Dead Robert Mueller Can’t Cross Over to Spirit Realm Until Barr Releases Full Report
The former FBI Director enrolled in a pottery class Anderson Cooper attends in an attempt to get him to sit in between his legs while whispering key findings in his ear.
The NRA Spent Hundreds of Millions of Dollars on Viagra for Executives
“Because you can’t fire a gun in the bedroom, it can be very difficult for our members to achieve an erection without penis pills.”