Radio and TV personality Glenn Beck spent the better part of his radio show today reading the cover of Dr. Seuss’s One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish while sobbing uncontrollably. Beck’s emotional reading of the book cover lasted 57 minutes, included eight words, and featured uncomfortable segments of crying and screaming. Beck’s actions come in response to the announcement that six Seuss books will no longer be published because they portray people in a harmful way; causing him to complain about cancel culture before getting weepy and nostalgic. “One Fish,” Beck began before immediately bawling for twelve minutes. “Two fish,” Beck howled and then blubbered on for another several minutes. “Red Fish,” Beck lamented before blowing his nose and then asking for more tissues; having already gone through an entire box. “Blue Fish,” Beck concluded with a moan just seconds before the end of the show. The theme music then cut in and played with the sounds of Beck’s weeping and wailing still audible in the background. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
The manufacturer of cocaine released a brief statement today cutting ties with their now-former spokesperson Donald Trump Jr. “We stand for responsible use of cocaine. A bump here, a line there. You know, a rail every once in awhile,” the statement read. “But not this! Not whatever this sad mess is. It’s far too much. We sincerely wish Don Jr. the best in his future endeavors.”
Conservative extremist and radio shock jock Rush Limbaugh passed away today and has now been placed in his own personal limbo, indefinitely. The decision comes after both God and the Devil refused to take him. “He certainly doesn’t belong here,” God stated. “That’s quite clear. But at the same time we don’t think it’s fair to make the Devil watch him for all eternity.” Satan agreed. “I know almost everyone thinks that Rush Limbaugh should be here in Hell with me,” the Devil stated. “But at no point did I ever agree to live indefinitely in a waking nightmare. So now Rush is stuck in his own private limbo that we’ve created just for him. We call it ‘Rush Limbo’.”
Billionaire Bill Gates is set to release a depressing new book next week titled ‘The Future Sucks: Why We Should Give Up Now’. Gates, who is typically known for his cautious optimism, says there’s no hope for humanity anymore. “If we want to survive climate change and be able to feed everyone, we’ll all have to be eating fake meat by 2030,” Gates stated. “But we all know that’s never going to fucking happen, so instead of delaying the inevitable, we might as well just give up right now.” As of press time PETA released a statement disavowing all previous stances on animal cruelty and sustainability. “Since reading an early copy of Mr. Gates’ book, a large percentage of vegans and vegetarians have started eating meat and other animal-based products again,” the PETA statement read. “Because if everyone else isn’t going to try, we might as well speed things up by joining in on the delicious decimation of our planet.” Experts say that the vegans who have reverted back to their old dietary ways have increased their carbon footprints by as much as 70% and decreased their level of fucks given down to zero.
It might be illegal, but top employers from around the country, including Walmart, Amazon, Kroger, Home Depot, and FedEx have started asking interviewees the screening question: “Who won the 2020 election?” The corporate decision to ask such a question comes after companies realized that candidates who know how to properly process and understand reality make for much better employees. “Basic reasoning skills are inherently beneficial when working at Kroger stores,” CEO William Rodney McMullen stated. “The last thing we want is for the employees stocking our shelves to start building a wall of canned garbanzo beans while yelling at non-white customers to ‘go back to whatever aisle they came from, and to keep out of aisle 26!’” Several individuals have already filed lawsuits against many of these Fortune 500 companies, but judges have yet to rule in their favor; instead, out of pity, they’ve suggested that plaintiffs file an insanity plea to help them not have to pay the legal fees during their unemployment.
During his second impeachment, Donald Trump’s lawyers revealed that they have “damning evidence” showing high-ranking Democrat leaders participating in an “underground fight club” in the basement of the Capitol building. “The Democrats are claiming that the violence at the Capitol was set off by Donald Trump, but we now have clear evidence showing that these same Democrats have been hosting their own violent, fight-to-the-death events within the hallowed grounds of our nation’s Capitol,” Trump lawyer Michael van der Veen stated. “So, it only follows that the violence at the Capitol started with them.” “To be clear, this isn’t about asking distracting questions like ‘what about this, or what about that?’” Michael van der Veen affirmed. “It’s more about asking yourself ‘what else might possibly seem to matter that doesn’t have anything to do with this trial?” van der Veen then continued while pointing to a poorly-Photoshopped PowerPoint slide depicting top Democrats. “What about this!? What about this so-called Capitol insurrection really matters in light of this new evidence? What about the not-so-crazy idea of actually believing in this new evidence we’ve shown today?” the wide-eyed lawyer asked while pointing to yet another poorly Photoshopped image, this time of a bloodied and bruised Nancy Pelosi. “Mr. Trump is innocent, so what about we start a new trial focusing on the damning evidence that we’ve put together here instead!? What about it folks?”