With the announcement of the 26th Annual Darwin Awards, Donald Trump has found himself on the winner’s list. The leader of the free world tweeted about his accomplishment. Notably, Darwin Award winners are required to be sterile, display an astounding misapplication of judgement, and be the cause of their own demise.
“I’m Elizabeth Warren and I let a Marine go down on me… for America” new political ad states
A new, controversial advertisement by Elizabeth Warren’s presidential campaign was released today and people are shocked. The ad, which focuses on the Senator admitting to a sexual affair with a 24-year old Marine, combines a patriotic tone with a confusing message. In total, the 30-second spot includes a brief admission of the affair while God Bless America plays in the background. As the song reaches crescendo, a lit-up Warren proclaims “I’m Elizabeth Warren and I let a United States Marine go down on me… for America!” Vocal critics of Warren who demanded that the Senator end her campaign over the affair were silenced by being reminded of Stormy Daniels.
Breaking: Trump to be tried as an adult during impeachment
Despite pushback from his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, Congress says that president Trump will be tried as an adult throughout the impeachment process. “Mr. Trump throws tantrums, says everything is unfair, only wants junk food and has tiny hands,” Giuliani shouted on Fox and Friends. “This is all wrong. The president is not an adult. Period!” Democrats fired back quickly, with Speaker Nancy Pelosi making a public statement. “President Trump said he could shoot someone in the middle of the street and never get in trouble,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “But now he’s shot himself in the foot and for the first time in his life he’s facing the consequences. It’s time to grow up Donald.”
Fired-up Bernie Sanders shouts blockage out of his own arteries
After experiencing discomfort in his chest last night, Senator Bernie Sanders went ahead and shouted at a blockage in his arteries until it cleared and his blood pressure returned to normal. “I’m not going to sit here and let 1% of my body shut down the other 99%,” Sanders confirmed. Unlike with their typical patients, doctors are recommending that the Senator continue with the loud, guttural shouting to keep his blood pumping regularly. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Pelosi: “We have the pee tape and it’s hot as hell”
A visibly flush Nancy Pelosi revealed at a press conference today that the infamous Trump pee tape is now in the hands of the democrats. “The tape doesn’t add anything to the president’s laundry list of naughty, impeachable offenses,” Pelosi said while letting out deep, animalistic moan. “The tape is hot as fuck, with over an hour of a sexy, shirtless, oiled-up Vladimir Putin chugging vodka and urinating into Mr. Trump’s asshole-shaped mouth.” According to the unabashedly aroused Pelosi, the two men share a knowing and unyielding eye contact throughout the interaction. In fact, the only break the two leaders take during the enthralling piss session comes at the 47-minute mark when Trump chokes on Putin’s pee; causing urine to shoot out of his nose. “Mama gets it,” Pelosi giggled while twirling her hair around her finger. “Once you hit your 70’s nothing gets your rocks off unless you’re willing to get a little weird.”
Joe Biden tells stunned rally-goers a story about eating a baby
In yet another major misstep, presidential candidate Joe Biden announced at a rally today that he “loves the smell of newborn babies,” adding that “the aroma is even better when they’re cooked.” “I was in the Cayman Islands and my old buddy Corn Pop brought over this free range, breast-fed rotisserie baby meat to my cabana,” Biden grinned. “And let me tell you, baby is softer and juicier than chicken, and the smell is better than hair. Gotta love babies!”
Depressed Trump tweets “Why doesn’t anyone really like me? Sad. So very very sad.”
President Trump left a depressing tweet up for nearly an hour before deleting it and tweeting out that “SAD” stands for “syked and determined.”