(Ann Arbor, MI) Dressed in black and under the cover of darkness, the neighbors of Chad and Karen Seymour opened their hearts and supply rooms to donate $1,000 worth of toilet paper directly to the couple’s front lawn, porch, trees, roof, cars, and mailbox. “They truly deserved it,” one neighbor confirmed while speaking on condition of anonymity. “Couldn’t have happened to a nicer couple.” This morning the Mayor of Ann Arbor Christopher Taylor spoke out. “Our city is setting an example in creative giving,” Taylor stated. “We encourage everyone to share their supplies with neighbors in need. Even if they were complete assholes like the Seymor’s.”
Our Divine Creator who lives in the heavens finally lost His holy shit with the ungodly Hobby Lobby today after the company refused to close its doors during the pandemic; putting underpaid workers and customers at risk. As punishment, God gave owners David and Barbara Green the coronavirus. “First they did the birth control thing, then they purchased stolen ancient artifacts, and on top of that they loathe the gays,” God stated. “So Barbara might call herself the ‘prayer warrior’ of her family, and claim that she talks to me, but I just gave that heartless liar the coronavirus.”
(Moreno Valley, CA) Landlord Ed Stallword, who manages several Southern California duplexes, is being deemed a “creepy hero” after allowing his tenants to pay their monthly rent with a lock of hair. Residents say they find Stallword to be both kind-hearted and off-putting. “He refused to tell me what he was doing with my hair,” resident Ashley Reynolds stated. “But honestly I’m only slightly disgusted. Ed’s a real angel. An unpleasant, frightening angel.” Meanwhile, other landlords have followed Stallword’s lead, allowing for rent payments in the form of toenail clippings, dirty underwear, and pictures of feet.
Senator Lindsey Olin Graham, a Southern belle from the great state of South Carolina, suggested to the public today that they all head to the stables, hop on their favorite horse, and play a rousing game of polo. “A horseback mounted team sport is a simply marvelous way to pass the time during this unprecedented virus outbreak,” Graham stated while dabbing his brow with a handkerchief. “Polo is a wonderful game that allows all Americans to stay 6-feet apart while spending quality time with their horses and staying active.” Graham finished his speech by assuring Americans that their private polo clubs will remain open as long as he’s in Congress. The Senator then climbed aboard his stagecoach and rode away to his plantation.
Slovenian gold digger Melania Trump apologized to the world today for her mentally-inferior husband and his repeated dog whistle of calling COVID-19 “The Chinese Virus”. “I do pretend to love Donald deeply. But I cannot, with what remaining conscience I have left, allow him to racistly refer to COVID-19 as ‘The Chinese Virus’,” the Slovenian gold digger stated. “We all see it Donald. I’m just calling it what it is.”
President Trump has finally used the Defense Production Act by ordering IKEA to manufacture and ship half a million unassembled beds to hospitals in New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago. IKEA, which is headquartered in the Netherlands, does not fall under US law and therefore cannot be told what to do by Trump. “The daybeds ordered by the president take, on average, 3.5 hours to assemble,” IKEA CEO Jesper Brodin stated. “Hospitals are indeed thanking IKEA for not going ahead with the president’s demands as they do not have the time, staffing, or space to be assembling the furniture.” Just minutes after the IKEA announcement president Trump ordered Spirit Halloween and Party City to provide one million masks to medical facilities across the country. “I don’t care what they look like,” Trump told reporters in an address. “They can be Chucky, Jason, or even Freddie – it doesn’t matter – just get them the masks.” As of press time the president was being told that not only are Halloween masks ineffective against the virus, but that they are also manufactured in China.
(Altoona, PA) Local man Dan Stephenson – whose entire family is under quarantine – dug up his old house floor plan in order to show his increasingly bored family all of the possibilities for where they can go this weekend. “We’ve got the living room where we can all gather to play board games,” Stephenson stated. “Then, just 100 feet down the hall, there’s the master bedroom where mommy and daddy will spend 12 loud minutes rekindling their love life. There’s really something for everyone.” As of press time, the recently unemployed Stephenson was visiting his back porch, on his 7th beer, and wondering if he’ll ever be able to afford to take his family on a real vacation.