Our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who wants to purchase more military-grade weapons.
In an emotional response, U.S. President Donald Trump has tweeted a well-thought-out message to the world regarding the alarming missile launch today over Japan:
After procedural introduction of the bill, Ted Cruz (R-TX) immediately shouted, “Permission to speak freely!?” in an echoing, emotional, yet somehow guttural and primal tone.
Citing differing opinions regarding Freedom of Speech as found in the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, fans in section 129 of the Carolina Panthers vs. San Francisco 49ers game spent the 12-minute halftime respectfully debating the merits of free speech in relation to patriotism.
The North Korean leader then flipped open a glass-encased red button, pressed it, and was immediately torn apart – along with the rest of his country – by a faulty nuclear missile.
Trump tweeted and gave approval for the TSA to ban all passengers from flying if they dress like the suspect who is now in detainment.
“Volvo states that “physically, the cars will be exactly the same as current models; however…”
On Thursday night, Vice President Mike Pence walked up to Donald Trump just outside of the White House Kitchen and “straight up dropped the motherfucker” with a right hook. An hour later at press time Pence was seen entering the The Crew Club – a famous Washington D.C. gay bathhouse. “Obviously nothing matters anymore, so…
“When you get a maniac like Obama. Okay. And he is, he really is. Then you end up with days like today,” Trump stated while pointing toward the only side of the room without any windows.
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“I would always tell him that it’s not a good idea to eat a ‘snack’ before, during, and after each hole at one of his world-renowned golf courses,” sadly…
With Tannehill likely out for the year, an opening was created for Culter to come in and really disappoint Miami fans…
Formerly an archeologist in the early 19th century, Melania unearthed Donald in Egypt back in 1909.
President Donald Trump used a morning staff meeting today to address leaks that have plagued his administration since day one. In an impassioned speech, the President touched on many topics – concluding with the implementation of a strict ‘No Farting’ policy. The new White House rule was accidentally released to the media by Press Secretary…
In a timely press release the Wright Brothers, who invented flight, said “This isn’t what we intended. We only overbooked as a joke when racist aunt Karen wanted to visit, and she wasn’t technically, completely white.” Thank you for reading our latest informative news article. Check out more stories below – or like our Facebook…
“Schwarzenegger was also not ‘carrying a backpack,’ he was actually strapped in to a military-grade jet pack.”
“Let’s fix this now and add some pizzazz and sparkle to the church.”- Pope Francis
The former President reported that it was “very easy” to find most of the guns.
Here are key ways to minimize the negative impact of such websites.
“What would you say to those around the world who are afraid of your leadership” – Trump paused, took a deep breath, and began:
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #Disgraceful.
Obama backtracks on promise to spare the lives of innocent turkeys named Tater and Tot – ruining a longstanding American tradition.
Tallest first lady ever lifts President Obama in famous tradition.
Californians may have unknowingly gotten a lot of small children incredibly high.
A little known fact about our eight-foot-six-inch-tall first lady Michelle Obama is that she uses her phenomenally long and powerful arms to rescue cats and kittens that get stuck in Washington D.C. metropolitan area trees. Hovering at just over 8’6″, and being the tallest woman in the world, the first lady said that she felt…
The polls showed a likely win for her, but the results did not reflect that; whatsoever. Now we have a fail-safe and proven reason as to why he managed to become the next President of the United States of America.
There is, in fact, a 5th hijacked plan from 9/11 that is still flying above our borders, with hostages. Let that sink in, because I know I had to as well. Let’s just pause to think about that.”
BREAKING: (D.C.) In an unprecedented judicial move, the United States Supreme Court has just used its power to halt the 2016 Presidential election on the grounds of an obscure, little-known, yet legitimate measure found in The U.S. Constitution. With one seat still vacant in the court, the 8-0 vote passed in the late hours of…
“Obviously black people love sports, and that’s why their babies are born during the basketball season, and football, and for those Kenyan blacks – the spring track season,” said Palin.
Leading scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) are saying that a large portion of Americans need to hit the reset button on their brains. The problem has gotten so bad that scientists fear many people can’t actually see how different things can be interconnected, or conversely, completely unrelated. “The human brain is not…
With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering down might be the wisest decision. “For me, it looks like the depression will be…
***BREAKING*** (Washington D.C.) The Republican National Committee is openly taking responsibility for the death of front runner presidential candidate Donald Trump. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, immediately spoke out about the decision to kill the candidate. “We feel a loss. There’s no doubt about it,” stated Ryan. “We have hundreds of thousands – millions…
With Senator Ted Cruz dropping out, John Kasich is the only hope for the Republican establishment. Here’s how he can still win…
(Boston, MA) In what can only be called shocking, Massachusetts legislators have passed a law that bans homophobic people from using bathrooms. The law, which will take effect on Monday, has some people – for lack of a better term – pissed off.
(New York, NY) It appears that the wife-bashing has returned to the Republican campaign for presidency with Donald Trump and Ted Cruz shooting a barrage of horrific insults back and forth. It all started with another tweet from Trump…
After weeks of back-and-forth rhetoric, Hillary Clinton has finally agreed to debate Bernie Sanders. The Hillary Clinton/DNC Campaign has generously offered several dates, times, and locations for the two to clash – including some specific rules. Option #1: During the NCAA Championship game on April 4th, 2016. Debate Rules: The debate cannot begin before the…
American psychologists assessed IQ’s of Presidential Candidates #jeopardy
(Janesville, WI) Donald Trump is known for saying shocking things at his rallies, but today in Wisconsin he wowed the crowd with a stunning admission. Donald Trump is bisexual. Let that sink in.
Everything began when delivery driver Jessica Sturns noticed that something was awry when she saw the additional comment on the delivery instructions which read:
“In lieu of officially being called “The Redskins,” the team has announced – in a short press release – that they will now go by “The Washington…”
“America leads the world in pretty much everything awesome, there’s no need to even research that because everyone knows it. Fact. Period. Soaring eagles. End of story. But, did you know that…”
“During the latest Republican Presidential Debate, Dr. Ben Carson took the time to lay out a shockingly specific plan for how ISIS could severely cripple the…”
Jeffrey Larson, a veteran, 70-something real estate agent in Southern California, continues to give zero fucks if his listings will sell. Larson’s lack of concern and unhelpful marketing for his clients was apparent when we first covered his story, but this latest home description is pretty freaking out there: “This is a rare opportunity to…
“Milwaukee, Wisconsin Alderman Jim Bohl has made a sweeping decree to issue flamethrowers to all residents in light of slow and ineffective snow-clearing efforts in the city. An order has already been put in with an undisclosed military manufacturer for nearly…”
SeaWorld in San Antonio, Texas is refusing to properly dispose of the corpse of the recently deceased, 18-year-old orca named Unna. Instead, the park has opted to continue using the lifeless animal to continue bringing in crowds and doing shows.
With PETA in an uproar and petitions circling the Internet…
Steve Harvey, miss universe, wrong, winner, planet, kolob, names, crowns, mistake, error
“Hopefully you are aware of the widespread gun ban suggestions that threaten the United States and your right to arm yourself. Remember: Just because…”
“We were quickly made aware that a lot of our readers live in colder climates that do not warrant leaving a frozen corpse outside. So if you live in one of those areas that is just too cold, but you have a fireplace – read on…”
“With the holiday season upon us here in the United States, it’s time to start thinking about which elderly or annoying relative you want to recycle this year…”