Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg took to the stage at his Genoa, Nevada rally today having just learned he was polling in second place for the state’s upcoming February 22nd primary. The jubilant Mayor of South Bend, Indiana then inexplicably launched into an impassioned, unwarranted, 50-minute presidential acceptance speech. “Wow!” a wide-eyed Buttigieg shouted while waving a copy of the poll toward the crowd. “If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; if anyone out there still wonders if the dream of our founding fathers is alive and well today; if anyone out there questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer!” The murmuring, confused crowd looked on as Buttigieg continued his finely-polished speech. “It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, a time of healing and rebirth has come to the United States of America,” an emotional Buttigieg sobbed. “I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 5 years. I want to thank my partner in this journey we call life, the man who gives me strength and keeps me grounded – My husband Chasten.” The two men then kissed, giving Rush Limbaugh cancer in his other lung, before Buttigieg concluded while pointing toward his bewildered, offstage campaign team. “To my campaign manager, Mike Schmuhl; my spokesperson, Lis Smith; and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics — you made this happen.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
“Please Stop Rubbing Your Eyeballs Together,” WHO Pleads as Coronavirus Spreads
Leaders at the World Health Organization (WHO) pleaded with people across the globe today to stop rubbing their eyeballs together. WHO says the act is the fastest and easiest way to spread the coronavirus. “It’s common practice in many parts of the world to greet friends and strangers alike by getting really close and slowly rubbing your eyeballs together,” WHO Director Tedros Adhanom stated. “We must immediately drop these niceties in order to defeat the coronavirus.” Despite the warning from WHO, many people have carried on with the traditional greeting, which is also the most common way to get pink eye. Importantly, WHO strongly recommends placing condoms over your eyelids if you insist on continuing to say “hi” with your eyes.
"It's All Going According to Plan" Future Secretary of State Amy Klobuchar Says After 3rd Place Finish in New Hampshire
Minnesota Senator and moderate presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar is one step closer to her dream of becoming Secretary of State after finishing third in the New Hampshire primary. A smiling Klobuchar told a crowd at her rally in South Carolina today that “it’s all going according to plan.” “My campaign has always been about carrying out underwhelming, minimal change – I don’t do revolutions – and that’s why I’ve always secretly been shooting for the Secretary of State role, not president; you can only achieve so much.” Klobuchar told a stunned crowd. “With your continued slightly-above-average support, together we can hopefully make a barely noticeable difference in the somewhat distant future.” Photo by Gage Skidmore
Lifehack: How 35 Weighted Blankets Can Get Your Partner to Stop Snoring for Good
1 in 4 people are chronic snorers, and if you’re reading this, we know that you’re desperately looking for a solution that will end your partner’s snoring for good. So here it is, plain and simple: this quick lifehack will completely change your life. Step 1: Acquire 35, 12-pound weighted blankets. Step 2: Wait for your partner to fall asleep. Step 3: Slowly cover your partner in layer after layer of weighted blankets until the snoring stops. Ignore any muffled screams and within minutes you’ll be enjoying the silence. Step 4: Repeat the process if your future cellmate also turns out to be a snorer.
Belle Delphine's Bathwater Identified as Source of Coronavirus
Scientists at the World Health Organization (WHO) announced today that internet celebrity Belle Delphine’s bathwater was the initial source of the coronavirus. According to the cosplay star’s website, Delphine has sold her dirty bathwater to fans across the globe – most of which are gamers – for a whopping $250 a jar. “What we have here is a situation in which a mutated form of gonorrhea has infected gamers across the world; causing flu-like symptoms,” WHO Director Tedros Adhanom stated. “Notably, this is the first know case of gonorrhea being spread by a large group of virgins.”
First Family Welcomes Nagini the Presidential Python to the White House
The White House announced today that a new scaly friend – Nagini the presidential python – would now be living at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. President Trump, who is openly averse to dogs, surprised the country with his pet choice. “Nagini is an 11-foot reticulated python from China; one of the few breeds of snakes that can swallow a human whole,” president Trump beamed as he spoke to reporters. “Isn’t he magnificent? He is. He really is.” Notably, taxpayers footed the bill for the purchase and transportation of Nagini who, due of the current trade war with the China, cost Americans $1,285,000. As of 8pm Eastern time, animal control had been called several times to come to the White House after Nagini broke loose. It wasn’t until the 8th attempt that someone took the call seriously. “We thought the calls were kids playing a prank,” a representative from DC Animal Control stated. “Nobody in their right mind is particularly shocked to hear that there’s a dangerous snake in the White House that everyone wants removed.”
Buckle the Hell Up: Democrats Prepare to Impeach Trump a Second Time (and it's gonna take a lot longer)
After Republicans blocked witnesses and evidence in the Democrat’s first attempt at impeaching the president, Nancy Pelosi now says they will have to go ahead and impeach Donald Trump for a second time in order to tell the public the complete, true story. “Not only is another impeachment going to happen, but it is absolutely necessary,” a wide-eyed Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stated. “We have plenty of new witnesses and evidence to pile on, we just have to start the whole process over again.” Democrats claim that just because no president has ever been impeached more than once doesn’t mean they can’t do it. Indeed, nothing in the law says that it can’t happen. “There is no ‘one-and-done’ clause in the Constitution shielding presidents from multiple impeachments,” Pelosi stated while blinking for the first time in 30 minutes. “You don’t get acquitted and then get a free pass thereafter.” Democrats say that the second impeachment of Donald Trump will begin sometime in the middle of February and end in exactly the same way as the last impeachment.