According to his wife and several sources close to him, Ted Cruz went missing today right after news broke that the Zodiac Killer’s cypher was cracked. Authorities say that they found Cruz’s shitty beard hair shaved off in a bathroom trash can of his Texas home. “The general public is being warned to look out for a creepy, baby-faced Ted Cruz who is now our prime suspect in the Zodiac murders,” an official statement read. “Everyone in the country always knew something was off about him – now we know why. So we’re offering up $100,000 to anyone who assists in the capture of Mr. Cruz. We’ll make it $250,000 if he’s knocked unconscious so we don’t have to talk to him.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
White House chief of staff Mark Meadows has ordered FDA chief Dr. Stephen Hahn to either authorize the Pfizer vaccine by the end of today or submit his letter of resignation. The ultimatum comes despite countless, repeated remarks from the administration that downplayed the severity of the coronavirus. Experts say the rush to approval has only worked to lower confidence levels in the vaccine. “It’s imperative that Dr. Hahn approve the vaccine today! As we’ve said before, the virus is totally under control and no worse than the flu, but we need the vaccine right fucking now! We also want to remind the general public that the virus will go away on its own. So I mean, it’s whatever, but Hahn better do what we say or we’re firing that worthless piece of shit,” Meadows shouted. “Even though COVID will disappear like a miracle, and even though it’s a hoax – a viral lie that swept the globe – Dr. Hahn will be shitcanned if people aren’t getting injected by tomorrow,” Meadows stated. “If we don’t get what we want we may just pause testing altogether which would actually drop case levels drastically; possibly even better than a vaccine. So to be clear, if Dr. Hahn doesn’t approve the Pfizer vaccine today, which we don’t even need, then he will be out on his ass.”
The US Supreme Court issued a rare message to the general public today letting the country know that they’d “gladly take on an election case if there were any real [expletive] evidence of voter fraud.” “Although we have taken on countless controversial issues throughout this nation’s history – such as abortion and gay marriage – these election lawsuits have no standing. A trial can take place when there’s a shred of goddamned evidence, but it’s become clear that there isn’t any. Donald Trump should be ashamed of himself.” The nine justices then continued to shock the country by congratulating Joe Biden on his victory. “President Elect Joe Biden should be proud of the race he ran and his clear victory,” the letter read. “He’s been nothing but composed and compassionate in the face of utter buffoonery coming on a daily basis from Mr. Trump. As far as decorum goes, Donald Trump will not be missed. What an asshole.”
Ellen DeGeneres told fans today that she has tested positive for COVID-19. Yet, in an effort to continue filming her famous “12 Days of Giveaways,” Ellen admits that she still went into work this morning without telling anyone her diagnosis and proceeded to cough all over her employees. “If we all have it, then we can all continue working,” Ellen smiled before coughing directly on her assistant’s face. “And this way everyone on my team gets to keep receiving paychecks. It’s a win, win!” The TV host and comedian then grabbed a traffic cone prop and began shouting through it at everyone in the studio. “I feel just like Oprah!” DeGeneres laughed before coughing one-by-one into individual employee’s faces through the cone while shouting “You get COVID! (cough) You get COVID! (cough) Everyone gets COVID! (cough, cough cough).” As of press time, at least 17 lawsuits have been filed against DeGeneres. Photo credit Toglenn
President Trump told reporters today that he was open to the idea of becoming president of any states that want to secede from the union. The comment came after reporters asked the president what he thought about conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh stating that “there cannot be a peaceful coexistence between liberals and conservatives,” and that “we’re trending toward secession.” “What we have here is a deeply divided country. I mean, they mostly voted for me, but we’re heavily divided.” Trump stated. “So if it comes down to it, I’d love to be president of the new Confederate States of America. If that’s what the people want, we should give it to them!”
Citing the fact that the New York Jets are incapable of catching anything, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the 0-11 team is now exempt from the league’s COVID rules. “Since they clearly couldn’t catch anything to save their lives, we believe that it’s safe to say that they couldn’t catch anything off the field – even if they tried,” Goodell confirmed in a press conference.
The Denver Broncos are in a rough spot today as all four of their quarterbacks were exposed to the coronavirus and must sit out of today’s game. Contact tracing is now leading the Broncos to believe that it was their open-mouth kissing drills that may have helped to spread the virus. “We’re a tight-knit team,” head coach Vic Fangio stated. “The kissing drills have been a part of our practice ever since Tim Tebow suggested it while in the showers back in 2010. Maybe we’ll bring it back after the vaccine, but for now we’re stopping with close physical contact except for during games when we all end up in a giant pile of man, sweat, and spandex after nearly every play.”