President Trump abruptly ended a news conference after ripping a loud fart in front of a crowd of supporters and reporters at an event in Bedminster, New Jersey today. During an exchange, CBS News White House correspondent Paula Reid called Trump out for lying about creating the Veterans Choice program. When Trump tried to ignore Reid and call on another reporter, Reid said, “You said that you passed Veterans Choice. It was passed in 2014… It was a false statement, sir.” Just then, the president let out a loud fart, turned bright red, and responded, “OK. Thank you very much, everybody.” Trump then slowly shuffled sideways off stage – having likely soiled himself – while the song “YMCA” began playing. Until today, Trump had never been heard farting while in public, although many staffers have reported that the president will frequently let out long farts while walking that squeak with every step. Notably, Trump’s fart marked the 1,500th time the president has used hot air and a load of crap to get out of answering a question. Photo Credit Michael Vadon
President Trump put out a statement today in which he said he would be banning all dating apps with an executive order in the coming week. The move comes after experts found that random sexual encounters were fueling the pandemic. “We have become aware that individuals using apps to hook up are a major cause for the spread of the Chinese virus,” Trump stated. “In fact, the use of these apps has increased during the pandemic and now accounts for up to 40% of the spread. So if your promiscuous friends or streetwalking family members have been sleeping around like trampy hos, be sure to put them in their place.” In a show of unity, Dr. Anthony Fauci also gave a statement today saying that it is now “not only socially acceptable, but critical that citizens ridicule everyone who tries to hook up during the pandemic.” “Together, we can slut shame our way out of this troubling time,” Fauci stated. “Man, woman, teen, or senior citizen – if you see them trying to hook up – go ahead and humiliate the hell out of them and you’ll be doing your country a great service.”
Republicans helped Kanye West get himself on the Wisconsin ballot for the 2020 presidential election today; a move that could divert votes from Joe Biden to West and hand Trump a victory in the swing state. Despite having unmanaged mental illness, Republicans are putting West on ballots around the country and sending him from state to state to give speeches that turn into public mental breakdowns – a trait that many argue could steal Trump supporter votes as well. As of press time, Democrats said they would try to split the Trump vote by placing former grand wizard of the KKK David Duke on the ballot.
(Des Plaines, Illinois) Friends and family of local man Kyle Whitmore, who proudly declares himself a heavy metal and country music lover, say he’s a train wreck who is not to be trusted. Friends describe Whitmore and his playlists as being emotionally jarring, unnerving, and incoherent. “Kyle lives in a world of mainstream, shitty pop with southern accents and lyrics about tractors, trucks, girls, jeans, boots, and beers which collides with heavy metal’s war, doom, misery, destruction and violent aggression,” Kyle’s girlfriend Becky Steadman stated. “With Kyle you never know what God-awful song will come on next, much less what he wants or who he is as a person.” As of Wednesday afternoon, Steadman said she was going to force Whitmore to pick just one type of music or she would be leaving him. “What I can’t do is sit here anymore and watch as Kyle wears his Iron Maiden and Judas Priest shirts with his cowboy boots and hat,” an emotional Steadman stated. “That’s no way to live.” Photo Credit Buckangel
Over 22,400 Americans have choked to death in 2020 – more than four times the yearly average. Experts say the cause is an uptick in less intelligent Americans finally agreeing to wear masks and then forgetting to remove them before eating. “What we’re seeing is a sizable group of slower people – who were initially refusing to wear masks because the president wasn’t – that are now choking to death on the protective gear,” Dr. Richard Huffman stated. “They get hungry and they neglect to remove their mask before pushing food into their mouths.” As of press time, experts had no solution to the problem. “I don’t know what to say anymore; I think nature just wants these people dead,” Huffman stated.
Was it a cult leader or a world leader? Are you smart enough to know whether it was Charles Manson or Donald Trump who said these 10 quotes? [Grab a pencil. Answer key after article] 1. “Believe me, if I started murdering people, there’d be none of you left.” 2. “There’s nothing wrong with being incompetent. It just means you don’t have to do as much.” 3. “I’m the king of this whole planet. I’m gonna rule this whole world.” 4. “I’m the pope. I’m ten times the pope. I’m sixty times the pope.” 5. “What the hell would I wanna go off and go to work for? Work for what? Money? I got all the money in the world. I’m the king, man. I run the underworld, guy. I decide who does what and where they do it at. What am I gonna run around like some teeny bopper somewhere for someone else’s money? I make the money man, I roll the nickels. The game is mine. I deal the cards.” 6. “Words are your words. You invented the words, and you made a dictionary and you gave me the dictionary and you said, ‘These are what the words mean.’ Well, this is what they mean to you, but to someone else, they have got a different dictionary.” 7. “They’re gonna take your courtrooms. They’re gonna take your money and they’re gonna take your country. They’re gonna take your resources.” 8. “You people would convict a grilled cheese sandwich of murder and the people wouldn’t question it.” 9. “You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody’s crazy.” 10. “I was so smart when I was a kid that I learnt that I was dumb fast.” Scroll Down For Answer Key …..….…… Answers 1-10: Charles Manson. Although all of these statements sound like something Donald Trump would say, they are all quotes from cult leader Charles Manson.
Photo Credit Daniel Lobo