Donald Trump: Why Don’t We Have a White Friday?

The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #Disgraceful.

Advertisements

Lying Obummers Slays Pardoned Turkeys

Obama backtracks on promise to spare the lives of innocent turkeys named Tater and Tot – ruining a longstanding American tradition.

8’6″ Michelle Obama Frequently Rescues Cats From D.C. Trees

A little known fact about our eight-foot-six-inch-tall first lady Michelle Obama is that she uses her phenomenally long and powerful arms to rescue cats and kittens that get stuck in Washington D.C. metropolitan area trees. Hovering at just over 8’6″, and being the tallest woman in the world, the first lady said that she felt…

5th Hijacked Plane from 9/11 Still Flying

There is, in fact, a 5th hijacked plan from 9/11 that is still flying above our borders, with hostages. Let that sink in, because I know I had to as well. Let’s just pause to think about that.”

BREAKING: Supreme Court Cancels 2016 Election, Unanimously

BREAKING: (D.C.) In an unprecedented judicial move, the United States Supreme Court has just used its power to halt the 2016 Presidential election on the grounds of an obscure, little-known, yet legitimate measure found in The U.S. Constitution. With one seat still vacant in the court, the 8-0 vote passed in the late hours of…

Study: At Least 50% of Americans Need to Restart Their Brains

Leading scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) are saying that a large portion of Americans need to hit the reset button on their brains. The problem has gotten so bad that scientists fear many people can’t actually see how different things can be interconnected, or conversely, completely unrelated. “The human brain is not…

Severe Depression to Impact Holiday Weekend for Many

With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering down might be the wisest decision. “For me, it looks like the depression will be…

Tragic Death Ends Trump Campaign

***BREAKING*** (Washington D.C.) The Republican National Committee is openly taking responsibility for the death of front runner presidential candidate Donald Trump. Speaker of the House, Paul Ryan, immediately spoke out about the decision to kill the candidate. “We feel a loss. There’s no doubt about it,” stated Ryan. “We have hundreds of thousands – millions…

Unprecedented Massachusetts Law Bans Homophobes From Bathrooms

(Boston, MA) In what can only be called shocking, Massachusetts legislators have passed a law that bans homophobic people from using bathrooms. The law, which will take effect on Monday, has some people – for lack of a better term – pissed off.

Trump, Cruz Exchange Horrific Insults About Wives, Again

(New York, NY) It appears that the wife-bashing has returned to the Republican campaign for presidency with Donald Trump and Ted Cruz shooting a barrage of horrific insults back and forth. It all started with another tweet from Trump…

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton Agrees to Debate Bernie Sanders

After weeks of back-and-forth rhetoric, Hillary Clinton has finally agreed to debate Bernie Sanders. The Hillary Clinton/DNC Campaign has generously offered several dates, times, and locations for the two to clash – including some specific rules. Option #1: During the NCAA Championship game on April 4th, 2016. Debate Rules: The debate cannot begin before the…

6 More Ways America Leads The World

“America leads the world in pretty much everything awesome, there’s no need to even research that because everyone knows it. Fact. Period. Soaring eagles. End of story. But, did you know that…”

Milwaukee to Issue Flamethrowers to Residents

“Milwaukee, Wisconsin Alderman Jim Bohl has made a sweeping decree to issue flamethrowers to all residents in light of slow and ineffective snow-clearing efforts in the city. An order has already been put in with an undisclosed military manufacturer for nearly…”

SeaWorld Refusing to Free Dead Whale

SeaWorld in San Antonio, Texas is refusing to properly dispose of the corpse of the recently deceased, 18-year-old orca named Unna. Instead, the park has opted to continue using the lifeless animal to continue bringing in crowds and doing shows.

With PETA in an uproar and petitions circling the Internet…

Holiday Tip: Options for Recycling Your Relative – Part 2

“We were quickly made aware that a lot of our readers live in colder climates that do not warrant leaving a frozen corpse outside. So if you live in one of those areas that is just too cold, but you have a fireplace – read on…”

Heads of NRA Announce Plan to Stop Mass Shootings

NRA President Wayne LaPierre, and Executive Vice President James W. Porter II have announced a plan to quickly curb mass shootings in the United States of America. Here are their tips for lowering the number of shooting deaths:

ISIS Calls Out The Lazy 99.99% of Muslims

In a recent video released by the terrorist group ISIS, leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi made a heartfelt, and seemingly confused, yet angry call for action. The terror leader – who was clearly distraught – pretty much yelled at other Muslims, while breaking down and having (for lack of better words) a hissy fit. Here is…

Texas Gov. Picks Guns Over Humanitarianism

Texas Governor Gregg Abbott (R-Texas), like many other state leaders, has sent a letter to President Obama stating that he will not allow any refugees into his state in light of the recent, tragic attacks in Paris, France. The decision was understandably made because of Abbott’s wanting to maintain the current, logical gun control laws…

FOX News to be Bought Out by The Onion

it has now been confirmed that The Onion has put out an offer that Rupert Murdoch has agreed to. The news organization that launched on October 7, 1996 revealed today that they…

10 Signs That You Are a Sassy Grandma

There are many different types of grandmothers out there – some are kind, crazy, cheerful, angry, thoughtful, or just incredibly confused. Here are the 10 signs that you may be a sassy grandma:

1.) You aren’t ashamed if you poop yourself in…

Breaking: Obama Uses School Shooting to Defend Gun Owners

Barack Obama, who is by all means a “Lame Duck” president, used the recent school shooting to defend gun owners. This was a surprising move by the leader of the Free World as he decided to use tragedy in order to get everyday Americans to, as he stated, “think for…

Congressman Bob Brady Receives Restraining Order from Pope Francis

Congressman Bob Brady, who stole Pope Francis’s half-finished water glass after the pontiff’s address to congress, has been issued a restraining order to stay at least 500 feet away from the religious leader. Brady immediately took the glass of water to his wife, and two staffers in his office, where they then sipped the water and saved the rest because…

Elderly Real Estate Agent Clearly No Longer Cares if Listings Don’t Sell

Jeffrey Larson, a veteran, 70-something real estate agent in Southern California doesn’t care if his listings will sell. Larson’s overall lack of concern and unhelpful marketing for his clients caught the attention of YouReadyGrandma and we think you will enjoy seeing what he’s been up to in the past few months as well. Without further…

Chris Christie Banned From Debates Until He Can Gain Self-Awareness

Grossly obese Republican Presidential candidate and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has been banned from further debates until he can become fully aware of both himself and the world around him. The ban, which was handed down by the Republican National Committee (RNC), came after he gave Air Force Brig. Gen. Michael Cunniff 90 days…

Kim Davis Should be Released From Prison

“On Thursday Pastor Laurie’s utterances were fulfilled by the overreaching hands of the United States Government. It wasn’t Obama taking our guns, it wasn’t Sharia Law taking over OUR country, and it wasn’t another government program to help the poor or sick… it was…”

Woman Who Has Barely Traveled Certain She Lives in Best City

“Stephenson, who has always lived in Naperville, Illinois, is dead sure that she was born and raised in the best place in the entire world. After being part of a poll by the PEW Research Team in which they interviewed nearly 3,200 people, PEW reported that Sarah – age 32 – was the most unwavering and…”

Reports of Orange-ish Figure in Manhattan Surface

There have been several unconfirmed reports of an orange-ish figure in a black, flowing cloak wandering in Manhattan, New York. The specter appears to be targeting Fox News host Megyn Kelly by leaving a wide variety of arguably sex…