Pete Buttigieg just confirmed multiple reports regarding a 2019 meeting between himself and Bernie Sanders in which they disagreed on whether a bottom could win the 2020 presidential election. “Among the topics that came up was could a bottom win the presidency. I thought a bottom could win; he disagreed,” Buttigieg said in a statement. Meanwhile Sander’s denied the comment in a press release, stating “I’ve always said that it took strength and endurance to be a bottom. I have nothing but respect for bottoms. Besides, Al Gore already won the popular vote back in 2000; so of course a bottom could win.”
Former Pope Benedict released his new book today entitled From the Depths of Our Loins: Silk Boxers & Swollen Balls. The book aims to educate the public on the sexual struggles that come with being a clergyman. What do you think? “So that’s disgusting.” – Julia Lorrens, Health Teacher “Unless it comes with advice on how to get this old pecker pumping, I’m not interested.” – Harold Higgins, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep. “I just wear silk boxers and go for a jog. Blue balls solved!” – Justin Parks, Asexual Stripper photo credit manhhai
If you’ve ever considered training for a marathon, but you’re a bit intimidated by the idea of 26.2 miles, here’s some other, faster ways to destroy your body in the exact same ways. 1. Rub your nipples with sandpaper. Nothing says “I just ran a marathon” like bloody nipple stains on your shirt. This one’s a real time saver too. While it may take up to an hour of constant running to successfully destroy the areola region, sandpaper can do the trick in mere seconds. 2. Take a lighter to your heels and toes to give yourself blisters. Even when they find the best socks and shoes, most runners are in a constant battle with blisters on their feet. Save lots of money by never purchasing running shoes, head on down to the corner 7-Eleven, grab a $1 Bic lighter and go to town on your tootsies. 3. Hit yourself in the shins with a hammer. Lie like the president and tell people you have shin splints. No repetitive running needed here. Just grab a hammer from the tool bag and give your lower leg a swift crack with a mallet.
17-year old Brighton Phillips of Peoria, Arizona won an internship with NASA his senior year of high school and drove all the way to Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland. On his first full day, Phillips was tasked with examining the brightness of a star through NASA’s Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite (TESS). Only one day into his internship, he discovered Heaven. After verifying Phillip’s work, NASA announced on their website the existence of Heaven and published a paper with the young man’s findings. “I just had to adjust the zoom and direction we were facing so we weren’t gazing into outer space. I looked just above Earth’s clouds and sure enough there was Heaven,” Phillips stated. “I first got the initial glimpse and thought, ‘Oh man, that looks so cool,’ but then when I looked at the full image, my lab mate and I noticed we were looking right at an old man, and he was naked.” According to NASA, Phillips then panned around and found that Heaven was mostly full of nude, elderly people. “No one was wearing any clothes and the average age was somewhere around 73,” Phillips confirmed. “So I guess we all have that to look forward to.”
A new Des Moines Register/CNN/Mediacom Iowa Poll shows that 54% of likely male voters would be open to sleeping with Pete Buttigieg. What do you think? “If the timing were right, and I didn’t have these pesky kids, I’d give that boy a good ol’ roll in the hay. Definitely dress him up in overalls and a straw hat first…mmmmmhhmmmm.” – Tom Storms, Wheat Farmer “You know when you first see someone and you just need to sit on their face? I’ve been dealing with that since Pete announced. So, uhhh yeah. Sign me up!” – Daniel Vasquez, Volunteer Lifeguard “I’d like a shot with him. I’ve got $10k in sex toys that says he won’t care who’s doing what to where.” – Charline Tomlinson, Kindergarten Teacher “No judgement, but no thanks. It’s not for me. Now I can certainly keep watch from the closet while Pete and someone else go at it. You know, just to make sure my little Petey is safe.” – Howard Rothstein, Boy Scout Troop Leader “The Iowa caucus process is itself an invitation to keep an open mind, but who the fuck wrote this polling question?” – Pete Buttigieg, Sex Icon & Presidential Candidate Photo credit Republic Country Club
So I’ve been trying for the better part of an hour now to put all of these cheap, plastic attachments back on my goddamned vacuum cleaner. One could certainly say by looking at the various shapes on the back of this vacuum that an attempt was made to provide ways to affix these attachments, although there doesn’t seem to be any rhyme or reason to what I’m looking at here. There’s a semi-circular shape sticking out of the back that almost fits the long skinny tube piece. It’ll probably stay in there if you just don’t move the vacuum too much. Then of course I could slide the little mustache looking brush thing right on top of the long skinny tube piece. It does seem to slide right on top of the tube pretty snuggly. Nope. They both just fell off again. Okay. Back to how I always do it: Put the attachments against the vacuum and wrap the power cord around the whole fucking thing to hold them in place. If anyone knows what the fuck to do here, please leave a comment. Photo by Your Best Digs
Donald Trump announced today that he plans to run for President of Iran in the country’s 2021 election if current leader Hassan Rouhani doesn’t stop his attacks on US bases in Iraq. “I’m going to be the first man to have a dual-presidency,” Trump confirmed. “Can you believe it? They say it’s unprecedented folks. Unprecedented.” When asked how he plans to win over a 90% Muslim country, Trump said his treatment of women and dislike of transgendered people would form a solid foundation to work from.