(Brookfield, WI) Local man Jeremy Walowitz says his first date with Amy Patel is going so well that he just might be getting an elbow job. “You have to be extra careful when dating during the coronavirus outbreak,” Walowitz stated. “There’s no kissing and no exchange of mucus whatsoever. Right now the elbow job is really all you can hope to get. Unless you’re into feet, then there’s a few more options.” In may ways an elbow job, or “LBJ” as some are calling it, is just like a hand job, except for the fact that the penis is placed in the cubital region of the arm fold, opposite the elbow. “I also call it the ‘Chicken Dance’ because it looks just like the part of the song where you flap your arms like a bird,” Walowitz stated. As of press time Walowitz was receiving an elbow job, but unable to finish because the Chicken Dance was playing on a loop in his head.
United States Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Dr. Ben Carson, took a 45-minute power nap while on stage with Mike Pence and other experts who were delivering a White House briefing on the coronavirus. Carson, who sleeps 22 hours a day, nodded off several times before slipping in to a deep REM sleep – all while standing. He then fell asleep again during his speech. “Ben Carson was not being impolite,” vice president Mike Pence stated. “He simply needs his sleep in order to perform his job at an optimal level.” Meanwhile, those on the left have expressed concern that Carson may not know what’s going on if he’s only awake for – at most – 2 hours a day. “Although he is a brain surgeon whose operations would typically span several days, Mr. Carson is clearly not prepared or in touch with reality as he spends 95% of his time dreaming,” Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi stated.
With church services across the US cancelled and “God continuing to rightfully punish humans with the coronavirus,” Father Joseph Stevenson of St. Elmo’s Fire Church in Birmingham, Alabama decided to strip nude in his empty church and frolic about; just like he’s always wanted to. “With no staff here, I can finally let my hair down and just be me,” an ecstatic, 67-year old Stevenson shouted to himself over the blaring sound of the pipe organ version of Cher’s hit song “Believe.” “I’ve never felt more alive!” As of press time, Father Stevens couldn’t hear authorities pounding on the doors, looking for an altar boy believed to be trapped somewhere in the locked church; hiding from the elderly, dancing and singing, naked man. “You can see straight through the stained glass windows if you get close enough,” a statement from authorities confirmed. “Eventually Father Stevens will tire himself out, but in the meantime, it’s our responsibility to monitor the situation.” Orig. Photo by Jules & Jenny
People across the United States are being asked to inform their apartment, townhouse, or condo neighbors if they plan on smoking marijuana. The odd request is so that panic doesn’t spread from hearing repeated, guttural coughing through the walls after someone hits their bong or does a dab. American citizens are also being told by Senator Bernie Sanders to show compassion by offering marijuana to their neighbors. “I’m asking that everyone share their cannabis in this difficult and trying time,” Sanders stated. “I think we can all agree that now is a great time to torch up that sweet sticky icky, and puff puff pass it around. Now, if anyone has some Blue Dream or some White 99, please meet me backstage immediately after this.”
(Portland, OR) Local woman Maria Sommers’ cell phone is currently covered in Coronavirus and patiently waiting in her pocket for her to pull it out for the 117th time today. Sommers, like most people, has no common sense or clue how futile her attempts are to keep the virus from touching her body. As of press time, Sommers was about to put her phone up to her ear, cheek, and mouth to make a phone call.
The coronavirus-free states of Alaska, Montana, Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Maine have begun construction of their own border walls in order to keep people with the virus out. Alabama Governor Kay Ivey was very direct today when asked about neighboring states’ residents wanting to cross into her territory. “When Georgia or Tennessee send their people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that are bringing disease to us,” Ivey stated. “They’re raiding the hand sanitizers. They’re stealing masks from hospitals. They’re taking our disinfecting wipes and buying up all of the goddamned toilet paper. And some, I assume, are good people.” Meanwhile the states of Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, and North Dakota admit they have no need to construct a border wall as they’ve accepted that fact that nobody – no matter how desperate – wants to go there.
(Philadelphia, PA) Former Vice President Joe Biden gave an incoherent, rambling speech at a rally this afternoon in front of a small, perplexed crowd. At one point during the speech Biden spent several minutes talking about “the time Dan ate the clouds like cotton candy.” “I got this old buddy Dan,” Biden grinned. “And Dan was a funny guy. A shithead, but a real fun shithead. You know? Anyways, Dan and I are talking and we’re talking about how you can’t compare apples and oranges, but what about bananas and plantains?” Biden then paused for 15 seconds. Staring blankly at the visibly confused crowd. “No really! I mean it!” Biden shouted, snapping out of his trance and continuing his story. “Anyway, Dan was disappointed when he found the beach to be so sandy and the sun so sunny,” Biden continued. “So we decide to go inside to the hotel room, but we hit the wrong elevator button and end up on the roof. So Dan says to me he says, ‘Before I moved to the inner city, I always believed that security complexes were psychological’. Then Dan turns around, walks right up to a cloud in the sky – because we’re on the roof, remember – and Dan just starts eating the clouds like cotton candy. What a shithead.” As of press time, members from Joe Biden’s campaign had already defended Biden’s story on various news channels, calling the former vice president a “very stable genius.”