Of the nearly 20.4 million US veterans in the United States, the Trump Administration managed to coax just under 700 of them on Craigslist to sign an open letter in support of the president. The letter comes just after it was revealed by multiple sources that Trump had called veterans “suckers” and “losers” in the past, and questioned why people join the military in the first place. The president also reportedly pushed back against having injured veterans in military parades, saying, “nobody wants to see that.” What do you think?
Merriam-Webster made a controversial move today when they announced that they had added yet another definition for the word ‘trumpery’ to the dictionary. The company explained their decision in a press release. “We believed it to be appropriate for current times to affix one more definition to the word ‘trumpery’ in our big book of words,” the press release read. “As you can see below, we’ve also added the word ‘douchebaggery’ as there wasn’t a perfect word to further describe the president and enhance the new definition.” As of press time the president was calling for the boycott of all dictionaries; something that the vast majority of his supporters had already been doing.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was caught on back to back days having businesses in San Francisco illegally style and remove hair from both her head and her anus. Pelosi says that she was tricked into receiving both services as she wasn’t aware of the laws currently in place in her own state. “In both instances I was approached by the businesses. Not the other way around.” Pelosi stated. “So when I got my hair styled and my chocolate starfish waxed, I assumed that everything was on the up and up.” Pelosi said that she was certain she hadn’t broken any laws when she went to get her butthole waxed on the second day. “When they waxed my balloon knot, they had me lay on a massage table in the back alley. Because we were outdoors I was certain that what we were doing was legal,” Pelosi stated. “But lo and behold the removal of hair from my smelly Susan was a setup as well!” As of press time Pelosi had reportedly made yet another appointment for tomorrow; this time to have her conscience cleaned.
Nintendo was taking heat this morning from the far right after it was revealed that the company’s wildly popular game Animal Crossing: New Horizons would now include yard signs showing support for presidential candidate Joe Biden. Many on the right were quick to anger, pointing out they they lacked any representation in the social simulation video game which is geared toward children ages 3 and up. “Look. I’m just like any other Trump-loving guy who hates Blacks and enjoys pretending to live in a village inhabited by various anthropomorphic animals while going fishing, bug catching, and fossil hunting,” self-described white nationalist Justin Longman stated. “It’s just typical for the leftist Hollywood elite video game developers to completely forget about a large subsection of their players. Would it really be so bad if Animal Crossing catered to every viewpoint?” In response to the public outcry, Nintendo has since added a white hood and a tiki torch as purchasable items in the game. As of press time some experts were predicting that it would take about a week for there to be a full-blown race war within the multiplayer game.
During an interview on Fox News, president Trump told Laura Ingraham that the police officer who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back had “choked” much like “missing a three foot putt.” But the strange answer didn’t stop there. In the edited out portion of the tape, Trump continued his comparison for another fourteen minutes. “Everyone knows that seven shots is over par for any hole. So I don’t know what that officer was doing. That’s sloppy play.” Trump stated. “But when you think about it, seven shots over par on… say the back nine at Mar-a-Lago is actually pretty good. So it really just depends on whatever it is we’re talking about here.” At this point Ingraham had unsuccessfully tried to stop Trump’s insensitive, incoherent rambling twice, but he continued. “You know, just the other day I was playing golf with a few Black guys and I shot a hole in one. I shot a hole in one on a par five. Can you believe it?” Trump asked a stunned Ingraham. “And honestly that’s the closest I’ve come to what that officer did because honestly nobody has done more for the Black community than me. Maybe Abraham Lincoln. Maybe Lincoln. I wonder if he golfed.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Muttering to himself “it had better fucking work this time,” Donald Trump held up a box of rat poison today and told supporters that it was yet another cure for COVID-19. Privately, Trump admitted that the move was just another hasty, last ditch effort to lose the election. “You’re gonna want to eat the whole box. Some people say two boxes to make sure you really kill the virus,” Trump told the cheering crowd. “You’ll feel worse at first, but shortly thereafter you won’t feel anything at all.” After leaving the stage the president told reporters from CNN and MSNBC what he was really doing, knowing that his supporters wouldn’t believe the news outlets’ footage of him anyway. “Man it feels really good to finally say this out loud: I’m absolutely sick and tired of being president. I don’t want to do it anymore. What in the fuck is wrong with these people?” Trump stated while motioning toward the crowd. “I’ve been trying to hand this thing to Biden for months and it still looks like I might win. What the fuck do I have to say or do to throw this election?” Indeed, Trump’s frustration is warranted as his supporters don’t seem to care that people are dying from COVID-19, that he wouldn’t set an example by wearing a mask for months on end, or that he had recommended that people take deadly drugs. “These morons entertained the idea of injecting or drinking disinfectants. I told them to try the unproven drug hydroxychloroquine and then I upped the ante by suggesting the use of oleandrin – a poisonous extract that kills,” a visibly saddened Trump stated. “At this point my life has become a sad, sad joke. What did I do to deserve this? Maybe I’m in hell.” As of Sunday night the president said he had too much pride to just quit the race. Instead, he was strongly considering actually shooting someone in the middle of 5th Avenue to see if that would make him lose votes.
President Trump took questions regarding Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse from the press today while in Lake Charles, Louisiana as he was assessing the damage from Category 4 Hurricane Laura. Many are calling what the president said absurd, while others say that his words were quite troubling. “You know, they say when you become an officer that you get more rights, more protections. So it’s terrible what’s happening to Kyle folks. Just terrible. Did you know he had been a cadet training to be an officer?” Trump asked. “Maybe that should count? Maybe we should lower the age to become an officer? Maybe we’ll have kids patrol the cities and we can call them the ‘Trump Youth.’ I don’t know. I don’t know.” Kenosha Police Chief Daniel Miskinis offered a similar statement when asked about the president’s comments. “Yes, it is fair to say that Mr. Rittenhouse really jumped the gun on this one. The whole thing would have shook out very differently for him if he were old enough to be a police officer, but if you aren’t officially in the brotherhood, we can’t help you,” Miskinis stated. “The only crime here is that he wasn’t one of us. It’s sad, but rules are rules. Hopefully he gets a white… I mean, a light sentence.”