During an evening address at the Vatican, Pope Francis made remarks on the coronavirus and the state of the world that included harsh words for US president Donald Trump and his supporters. “Truly I tell you, there is a reason why the virus continues to harm the United States to such a great extent,” Francis stated while wearing a Black Lives Matter mask. “It is a direct rebuke from God and science of the Trump administration and all of its lies. Having spoken at length with the Lord, I am confident that anyone who still supports Mr. Trump must be plain evil at worst, or really fucking stupid at best. You can be a man of God or you can follow a Godless man, but I say unto you, you cannot do both.” Francis concluded his short address by pleading with Americans to wear face masks. “Much like the Devil, this virus is invisible, insidious, and infectious. But, just like prayer, a mask can help to shield us from this evil. And if I’m being honest, I’m not entirely confident that prayer does anything, but science clearly shows that wearing a mask does,” Francis stated. “So the bottom line is this, by not wearing a mask you are giving Satan easy access to stick his coronavirus-infected phallus – and all of his lies – right down your throat. And when you do that, there’s no room for Jesus inside of you.”
President Trump has referred to COVID-19 as the ‘Kung Flu,’ ‘Wuhan Virus,’ and the ‘Chinese virus,’ but now the script has been flipped as the General Assembly of the United Nations voted today to begin officially calling coronavirus the ‘Trump Virus’ or the “American Flu’. A statement from the United Nations explained the move. “With more than a quarter of the world’s COVID-19 cases and deaths happening within his country, Donald Trump and the United States are quite clearly the face of this pandemic,” the statement read. “The Spanish Flu did not originate in Spain, but like the United States, they had the most cases and deaths. So it is in that spirit that we will from here on out officially refer to this disease as the ‘Trump Virus’ or ‘American Flu’. This way, historically speaking, the virus will have been named appropriately.”
Kentucky election officials stunned voters this morning when they announced that the only functioning voting machine for Louisville had been relocated “somewhere inside of Mammoth Cave” – the world’s longest cave system. Officials say that malfunctioning equipment and understaffing lead the election board to search for one large, last-minute, nearby location where everyone could fit. “With a city of 600,000 people we had to find a venue that could support the large numbers while being able to allow for proper social distancing,” one official confirmed. “So bring your lanterns, flashlights, helmets, some food and water because there’s only one voting machine in there – and wouldn’t ya know – we lost it!” As of press time countless citizens were desperately searching for their right to vote.
Several states across the nation have started repainting statues of Jesus in public spaces in which the religious figure is depicted with white skin. The move comes after a large group of leftist historians pointed out that Jesus couldn’t have possibly been white and that depicting him as such is insensitive to the accomplishments of other races. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m calling for all Jesus statues in our state to be given blackface,” California Governor Gavin Newsom stated. “Really any brownish tone is fine, so long our Lord and Savior doesn’t look white.” Meanwhile, many people who believed in white Jesus have begun doubting the Savior’s storyline, causing a crisis of faith among Americans. With some people like political pundit Laura Ingraham even suggesting that Jesus might have deserved to be crucified. “When you really examine the Bible it becomes clear that Jesus was just some ethnic guy wearing baggy robes, wandering the holy land with a gang of jobless men and stirring up trouble,” Ingraham stated. “We’ve got to start asking ourselves the tough questions – like did Jesus really cooperate with the authorities? And unfortunately I just have to call it like I see it folks. This Jesus guy was a thug.”
Donald Trump declared all K-pop fans to be members of a “radical leftist Chinese terrorist organization” today after learning the demographic tried to reserve a large portion of his Tulsa rally tickets; likely contributing to the mostly empty arena. “I’ve seen what they look like. They’re foreign agents folks! Chinese foreign agents and we won’t stand for it!” Trump told reporters. “And if they can do this, then who’s to say they can’t rig the mail-in ballots for the election?” Minutes later, John Bolton spoke out on the decision by trump, stating that he was surprised that the president felt threatened by the K-pop community. “In many ways Trump and K-pop are very similar,” John Bolton stated. “They are repetitive, loud, and none of their English speaking fans really understand what they are saying.” As of press time Trump had started spreading a rumor that the coronavirus initially came to the US via a ship full of tainted BTS merchandise.
Dawn Peterson of Grand Rapids, Michigan had to explain to her kids this morning why their dad was only getting a tie for Father’s Day for the 7th year in a row. “Daddy can have a nice gift when he starts acting like a parent too,” Peterson told her children. “As soon as your father starts coming to parent-teacher conferences, baseball games, and recitals, then he can have new fishing gear. But until then, he gets another tie because drinking a case of beer and cutting the grass isn’t parenting.” Meanwhile, husband James Peterson says he feels depressed and under appreciated. “If they get me another tie I’m fucking done,” James Peterson confirmed. As of press time, Dawn and James were openly considering getting a divorce. Signaling the first time they’ve agreed on something important in well over a year.
President Trump accidentally voided his bowels during a campaign rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma today. The violent episode of explosive diarrhea occurred during a part of his speech about loyalty to the country in which Trump also spoke out against Democratic Reps. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Rashida Tlaib, Ilhan Omar and Ayanna Pressley. “You’ve got these brown foreigners from my shithole… these shithole countries trying to invade… trying to invade my…” a wide-eyed Trump paused. “My pants!” Trump then cut his speech short and shuffled sideways offstage. White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany denied that President Trump had drained his swamp on stage, stating “If you’re wearing a diaper, and you’re wearing it correctly – which today he was – then the fecal matter technically does not touch the pants, and therefore, one could not say that the president shit his pants.” Photo Credit Matt Johnson