Evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr. spoke briefly with reporters this afternoon after it was revealed that he spent years masturbating while watching his pool boy have sex with his wife. Falwell, who has demonized others for their non-traditional sex lives now admits that he gets off to cuckolding – or watching other men have sex with his wife. He also explained that he loves being shamed, belittled, and emasculated in general. “This whole experience is so humiliating that it’s easily the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me,” a sweaty Falwell moaned while rubbing his nipples. “I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life.” Falwell added that since a falling out with the pool boy – who allegedly threatened to release photos of Falwell’s wife – that the couple is looking for another third party for their sexual adventures. “If there’s anyone out there who’s willing to call me a worthless, hypocritical piece of shit and consensually pin my wife down while nailing her harder than Jesus, then we’d be very much so open to that,” Falwell stated. As of press time most of the country was already fulfilling the first part of Falwell’s request.
Republicans across the United States are excited to spend the next four nights cackling maniacally along with six Trumps and a handful of other speakers as they lay out their diabolical plans for the continued destruction of the country at the Republican National Convention. In total, as many as 35 million Republicans are expected to be watching in their dark living rooms each night; their faces aglow from only the television light as they laugh deliriously like raving mad lunatics at their TV sets.
Looking to completely redo his image, Donald Trump has grown a unique mustache in which the hair is only in the middle portion of his upper lip, and approximately the width of his nose. In addition to this, he’s had a hairstylist give him a stunning, new combover that many supporters are raving about. Notably, the move by trump marks the first time in history that a president has gotten a complete makeover while in office; let alone while running for reelection. “I can’t think of anyone who had a look anything like Mr. Trump’s. Our blond-haired, blue-eyed, charismatic leader may have just started a whole new trend!” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany smiled. “Fuhrermore… furthermore, I think we can all agree that Mr. Trump now looks more commanding and masculine than ever before.” As of Sunday afternoon countless supporters of the president were posting pictures and videos of themselves on social media cutting their hair and shaping their mustaches to match Trump.
Hurricanes Laura and Marco multiplied into eight storms today after the Trump administration detonated nuclear weapons inside of the two weather systems in hopes of destroying them. Meteorologists say that people in the path of the hurricanes should prepare themselves for radioactive winds and rain by covering themselves – and everything they care about – in materials that block radiation, such as lead, tungsten, and bismuth. Notably, the World Meteorological Organization has deviated from the tradition of naming the storms after people and is instead calling the eight new radioactive hurricanes: Not Today Satan Oh, C’mon! Please God, Make It Stop! Quarantina Really? REALLY!? Shit, shit, shit! This Is The End, and Unbelievable Despite what happened today, the Trump administration is calling the nuclear detonations a big success. “Any attempt to label this as a ‘mistake’ or a ‘blunder’ is completely false and misleading,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany stated. “The president did what he set out to do. He completely destroyed hurricanes Laura and Marco, and now we just have to finish the job by blowing up the rest of the storms.”
It’s no secret that the United States Postal Service is hurting for money when they need it the most. With the Trump administration in strong opposition to additional funding, the USPS has taken it upon themselves to raise money by selling an all-new line of commemorative ‘Fuck Trump’ impeachment stamps. Notably, the stamps – which were designed by famous artist Shepard Fairey – include the date that Trump was impeached on the bottom. Historians say the stamp design marks the first time that the small, adhesive pieces of paper have depicted anyone in a negative light; let alone the president of the United States. “The president might not like the stamps, but he should really get used to seeing himself as he’s depicted: in a small, square space surrounded by men just like him,” University of California Berkeley history professor Stephanie Woods stated. “Because he’s going to be spending a lot of time in prison once his presidency is over.” If you believe in saving the United States Postal Service, please visit https://store.usps.com/store/home and purchase something.
When asked if there was a plan in place if Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House after losing the November election, Washington D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser said that the city was already prepared for such a scenario. “Unfortunately, president Trump has made it clear that he will determine whether or not he accepts the November election results. Because of this many are wondering what will happen if he loses and refuses to remove himself from the White House,” Bowser stated. “Well if that is the case, the president will be cry-tweeting from his golden toilet, alone in the dark. Because we’re going to shut off all utilities if he protests the results.” In response to Bowser’s statements, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that such a move would be illegal. “The law clearly states that, and I quote, ‘utilities cannot disconnect service under federal law if you file for bankruptcy.’ Mr. Trump has already done that six times and he’ll do it a seventh if he has to. The utility company also cannot disconnect Mr. Trump’s service if he has a serious medical condition,” McEnany stated. “And undoubtedly anyone who refuses to accept a loss in the face of clear evidence is in serious need of psychiatric help.”
A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after president Trump pushed the extract as a cure for the coronavirus. Oxford says that their sizable study, which included 5,125 patients and had a 100% mortality rate, has conclusively proven that oleandrin has the same impact on COVID-19 patients as grabbing a MyPillow®, shoving it down on a person’s face, and holding it there until they stop moving. “Half of the patients in our study were poisoned with oleandrin, the other half were suffocated by a MyPillow®. Sadly, everyone died,” researcher Yuri Reznick confirmed. Upon hearing the news, president Trump praised the study. “Can you believe it? The science shows oleandrin works just as well as best-selling sleep accessory the MyPillow®! With millions of these pillows having been sold across the country, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t welcome oleandrin into your household today!” As of press time, fed-up scientists across the globe were in agreement that this was the last time they’d be saving the president’s supporters from killing themselves due to Trump’s baseless, deadly medical advice.