A change of plans for Qanon believers took place today after the group claimed that black smoke rose from the Capitol building’s chimney, indicating that a new president wouldn’t be inaugurated on this day. The group’s anonymous leader – ‘Q’ – wrote online that Trump’s March 4th inauguration was postponed until April 1st “due to threats of violence by Antifa at the Capitol again.” “We’ll see white smoke rise from that chimney on April 1st meaning Mr. Trump will be inaugurated,” the Qanon leader wrote in an online statement. “We just couldn’t do it today, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen next time. Stay strong!” As of press time almost nobody knew what the fuck ‘Q’ was talking about as the Capitol building doesn’t even have a chimney. Meanwhile, Qanon believers were marking their calendars for April Fools’ Day with feverish anticipation of Trump’s second term. Photo Credit (mod) EEBS27
Photo Credit Banger1977
Radio and TV personality Glenn Beck spent the better part of his radio show today reading the cover of Dr. Seuss’s One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish while sobbing uncontrollably. Beck’s emotional reading of the book cover lasted 57 minutes, included eight words, and featured uncomfortable segments of crying and screaming. Beck’s actions come in response to the announcement that six Seuss books will no longer be published because they portray people in a harmful way; causing him to complain about cancel culture before getting weepy and nostalgic. “One Fish,” Beck began before immediately bawling for twelve minutes. “Two fish,” Beck howled and then blubbered on for another several minutes. “Red Fish,” Beck lamented before blowing his nose and then asking for more tissues; having already gone through an entire box. “Blue Fish,” Beck concluded with a moan just seconds before the end of the show. The theme music then cut in and played with the sounds of Beck’s weeping and wailing still audible in the background. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
The manufacturer of cocaine released a brief statement today cutting ties with their now-former spokesperson Donald Trump Jr. “We stand for responsible use of cocaine. A bump here, a line there. You know, a rail every once in awhile,” the statement read. “But not this! Not whatever this sad mess is. It’s far too much. We sincerely wish Don Jr. the best in his future endeavors.”
Conservative extremist and radio shock jock Rush Limbaugh passed away today and has now been placed in his own personal limbo, indefinitely. The decision comes after both God and the Devil refused to take him. “He certainly doesn’t belong here,” God stated. “That’s quite clear. But at the same time we don’t think it’s fair to make the Devil watch him for all eternity.” Satan agreed. “I know almost everyone thinks that Rush Limbaugh should be here in Hell with me,” the Devil stated. “But at no point did I ever agree to live indefinitely in a waking nightmare. So now Rush is stuck in his own private limbo that we’ve created just for him. We call it ‘Rush Limbo’.”
Billionaire Bill Gates is set to release a depressing new book next week titled ‘The Future Sucks: Why We Should Give Up Now’. Gates, who is typically known for his cautious optimism, says there’s no hope for humanity anymore. “If we want to survive climate change and be able to feed everyone, we’ll all have to be eating fake meat by 2030,” Gates stated. “But we all know that’s never going to fucking happen, so instead of delaying the inevitable, we might as well just give up right now.” As of press time PETA released a statement disavowing all previous stances on animal cruelty and sustainability. “Since reading an early copy of Mr. Gates’ book, a large percentage of vegans and vegetarians have started eating meat and other animal-based products again,” the PETA statement read. “Because if everyone else isn’t going to try, we might as well speed things up by joining in on the delicious decimation of our planet.” Experts say that the vegans who have reverted back to their old dietary ways have increased their carbon footprints by as much as 70% and decreased their level of fucks given down to zero.