37 year-old Doug Martin of Torrance, California now deeply regrets inviting his parents over to his Super Bowl party after overhearing his mom Maurine Martin half-moan, half-whisper “I don’t care if he lost, that Jimmy Garoppolo can get it, get it. GET IT!” when she thought she was alone in the his kitchen. “I can’t un-hear what I heard,” Martin frowned. “It’s not that Jimmy Garoppolo isn’t hot, because my dad and I both think he is. It’s just that I don’t want to think about my mom in that way.”
Panama City, FL – An incredibly toned groundhog named ‘Chad’ predicted an early spring for 2020 this morning. The announcement came after Chad crawled out of bed and drank a Pedialyte to nurse his hangover before heading over to the gym.
USA Today has gone ahead and finally settled the long debate over what tastes better: eating ass or gagging on an In-N-Out burger. Using over 100 volunteers, the newspaper had participants blindfolded before being told to stick their tongues out. Reporters then rubbed either someone’s asshole, or an In-N-Out burger on their tongue. The tongues were then cleaned, and the process was repeated once more with either the beef patty or the back pussy. The participants were then asked to rate the two different flavors. According to USA Today, In-N-Out Burger placed 4th; right after taint, balls, and ass. Reporters confirmed that they had not thought about how ticklish the asshole is; resulting in some vertical and lateral movement of the ass that landed tongues squarely on the taint or balls: both of which taste better than In-N-Out.
Republican Senators formed an orderly line today on the Senate floor in order to eat out president Trump’s asshole. The hour long tongue bath began right after the elected officials cast their votes to acquit the president of high crimes and misdemeanors; leaving constitutional scholars uncertain which was worse: the destruction of our democracy, or Trump’s intermittent farts and the inevitable resulting spread of pink eye.
Woke Methamphetamine user Greg Simms of Mobile, Alabama, and tens of thousands of drug users around the world, are refusing to use meth made with Pfizer’s Advil Cold & Sinus. The movement comes in response to the company’s direct role in the opioid epidemic in which Pfizer maliciously funneled Oxycontin through skeezy doctors for years; contributing to countless deaths. “As a result of Pfizer’s actions, meth users everywhere have made the conscious decision to ethically source our ingredients from Pfizer’s competitor Johnson & Johnson,” a nearly toothless Simms stated. “Plus, it’s worth noting that Sudafed is toxin-free, so you get a smooth, zero-guilt hit every time.” As of press time, Johnson & Johnson stock was up 11% – completely offsetting last weeks plummet after it was discovered that their baby powder can cause cancer.
Vanilla Coke fans are up in arms after Coca-Cola announced they’d be modifying their recipe to no longer include castoreum: a mixture of the anal secretions and urine of beavers that is also found in perfume. Notably, the FDA approves the use of castoreum, which is categorized under “natural flavoring,” so you won’t know if you’re eating it. Coca-Cola reassured Vanilla Coke fans that despite removing the ingredients their new recipe will still taste just like a beaver rubbed its crotch all over it.
Secretary of Commerce and ventriloquist dummy come-to-life Wilbur Ross publicly announced today that he prays the spread of the coronavirus will bring “death economy jobs” to America. “With the titilating prospect of the coronavirus becoming a global pandemic, citizens will be seeing more work opportunities,” Ross stated. “We’re talking jobs like funeral home manager, gravedigger, coffin designer, face mask and hazmat suit sellers. Hopefully Americans will be able to keep up with the demand.” As of press time, president Trump stated that he wanted to “push the little green start button on a gigantic crematorium machine, like all of the other great leaders have.”