Trump Supporters Burn Bibles After Finally Learning What Jesus Would Do
The IRS is facing backlash from Republicans after announcing that churches may only endorse political candidates without being taxed if they can cite valid religious reasons from their holy texts.
Initially, Republican politicians and priests alike embraced the idea, until the IRS “audited” them.
“The IRS is requiring me to cite Bible passages that support Republican stances or I’ll have to pay taxes. They’re making me lay out exactly how these candidates align with Jesus Christ,” Father John Smothers of Holy Trinity Church in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania stated. “Turns out Jesus never said anything about zygotes. Not once.”
Churches now fear that followers will be less inclined to donate if they know tax money might be used in ways they do not agree with.
“What if they use my money to feed the poor? Or heal the sick!?” asked a deeply concerned Trump supporter. “I’d keep donating if I knew for certain the money would be used for bombing hospitals, ripping brown kids from their parents, and locking up immigrants I don’t like without a trial.”
In response, President Trump quickly signed an executive order forcing the IRS to give tax exempt status to churches “no matter their views on Jesus.”
“You really need the Pontius airline Pilot and the Judas guy or you never get the full Jesus story. Even Lady Gaga knew that!” Trump stated. “So does it really matter if we like the supporting actors of the Bible more than the main character? Without Adolf, Schindler doesn’t write the list, there’s no movie. Bottom line, someone had to kill Jesus… and frankly, we’d do it again.”
As of press time, Trump supporters declared the Bible “liberal propaganda” and had begun burning the world’s most popular book. Texas Senator Ted Cruz also announced he would introduce a bill removing Bibles from all libraries and hotel rooms.
“Have you ever read it!?” A wide-eyed Cruz shouted at reporters. “There’s a lot of f-ck-d up sh-t in there!”
Meanwhile, religious people responded with mixed emotions. Some outraged by the Bible’s removal, others relieved they no longer had to pretend to have read it.