BREAKING: Biden Makes Monday After Super Bowl A National Holiday

President Joe Biden has declared ‘Super Bowl Monday’ – the day after the big football game – a new national holiday. The decision was made when Biden read an article about the huge losses that companies already incur on that … Continue reading BREAKING: Biden Makes Monday After Super Bowl A National Holiday

Biden Says He'll 'Just Bring Some Wheat Thins' If Church Bans Him From Receiving Communion

Biden Says He’ll ‘Just Bring Some Wheat Thins’ If Church Bans Him From Receiving Communion

US Catholic bishops approved the creation of a new official document today that would ban politicians who support abortion rights from receiving Communion. President Joe Biden, who would be barred from the sacrament, gave a brief statement on the issue … Continue reading Biden Says He’ll ‘Just Bring Some Wheat Thins’ If Church Bans Him From Receiving Communion

supreme court rules worlds largest pedophile ring can dictate who adopts children catholic church

Supreme Court Says World’s Largest Pedophile Ring Can Dictate Who’s Allowed To Adopt Children

The United States Supreme Court ruled 9-0 today in favor of allowing the pedophile-ridden Catholic Church to ban LGBTQ+ individuals from adopting children from any of their organizations. The Church released a brief and disturbing statement after the court’s decision. … Continue reading Supreme Court Says World’s Largest Pedophile Ring Can Dictate Who’s Allowed To Adopt Children

Louisiana to bring back football warns 100 chance of death

Louisiana to Bring Back Football, Warns of 100% Death Rate to Those Who Stand In the Way

Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards was strong-armed into beginning Phase 3 of reopening today despite COVID-19 cases in his state being on the rise. Edwards says the move is “not ideal, but necessary” due to the fact that citizens said … Continue reading Louisiana to Bring Back Football, Warns of 100% Death Rate to Those Who Stand In the Way

New 45-Gallon Donation Basket Not as Subtle as Priest Imagined

Hurting for money after several weeks without holding a single mass, Father Peter Gibbons of St. Margaret’s Parish in Austin, TX is now deeply regretting his decision to buy a 45-gallon trash can for collecting donations. “The optics are off. … Continue reading New 45-Gallon Donation Basket Not as Subtle as Priest Imagined

Churches Pushing to Open Doors Are Now Citing God’s Plan For Natural Selection

Churches across the world are pushing back against government orders forcing places of worship to remain closed during the coronavirus pandemic. The faithful are claiming that current regulations fly directly in the face of God, who should ultimately decide who … Continue reading Churches Pushing to Open Doors Are Now Citing God’s Plan For Natural Selection

Priest Who Finally Has Church All to Himself Dances Around in the Nude

With church services across the US cancelled and “God continuing to rightfully punish humans with the coronavirus,” Father Joseph Stevenson of St. Elmo’s Fire Church in Birmingham, Alabama decided to strip nude in his empty church and frolic about; just … Continue reading Priest Who Finally Has Church All to Himself Dances Around in the Nude

Retired Pope Benedict breaks silence on blue balls, wet dreams in Church life, and nobody wants to hear it

Former Pope Benedict released his new book today entitled From the Depths of Our Loins: Silk Boxers & Swollen Balls. The book aims to educate the public on the sexual struggles that come with being a clergyman. What do you … Continue reading Retired Pope Benedict breaks silence on blue balls, wet dreams in Church life, and nobody wants to hear it

United Methodist Church kicks out homophobic members for being "weird little bigots"

United Methodist Church kicks out homophobic members for being “weird little bigots”

Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, … Continue reading United Methodist Church kicks out homophobic members for being “weird little bigots”

Supreme Court Justice Didn't-Know-Marriage-Can't-Legally-Involve Churches or Religion

Supreme Court Justice Didn’t Know Marriage Can’t Legally Involve Churches or Religion

The awkward exchange began when Chief Justice Roberts asked famed gay rights lawyer Mary Bonauto why she believed that we should “force churches and religious leaders to preside over a homosexual wedding that, when taken as a whole, would offend their moral conscience.” Continue reading Supreme Court Justice Didn’t Know Marriage Can’t Legally Involve Churches or Religion

Somewhat Popular Pornography Genre Takes A Dive in Revenue

A recent in-depth study by the American Pornography Society (APS) reveals that the massive ongoing sex scandals in the Catholic Church have considerably hurt the “religious pervert on preteen” genre of the multi-billion dollar adult industry. Steve Owens, the head of Research and Development at APS tearfully released the shocking information late Friday night. “It’s just saddening. Saddening and disgusting,” Owens said, “To think that such a great genre of adult entertainment could be ransacked by such an evil group of unabashedly sick men.” Owens continued by stating the major differences between the boy rape of the Catholic Church and … Continue reading Somewhat Popular Pornography Genre Takes A Dive in Revenue