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Don’t miss new articles on Substack! Some articles will slowly find their way here later. Some won’t. My writing is followed by the founding editor-in-chief of The Onion and complimented by 4x Emmy award winning show-runner of The Simpsons Mike … Continue reading READERS: My New Satire is Always Published First on Substack!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “a confession in legislative form,” Donald Trump signed an executive order today lowering the federal age of consent to 10 years old. The decree retroactively changes the law beginning in 1946 … Continue reading Trump Signs Executive Order Retroactively Lowering Age of Consent to 10
In his first official act in response to the deadly Texas flooding, President Trump announced the first-ever tariffs to be placed on Heaven. Citing what he called a “clear breach of contract” by God, Trump blamed the death and destruction … Continue reading ‘Heaven’s Had It Too Good for Too Long,’ Trump Says: U.S. Slaps 100% Tariff on Heaven in Response to Deadly Texas Floods
Trump Supporters Burn Bibles After Finally Learning What Jesus Would Do The IRS is facing backlash from Republicans after announcing that churches may only endorse political candidates without being taxed if they can cite valid religious reasons from their holy … Continue reading IRS Accidentally Bans Churches From Endorsing Republicans By Requiring Valid Religious Reasons
In a fiery new rant, former President Donald Trump has claimed that Pope Francis is “possessed by a demon,” following the Vatican leader’s condemnation of several Trump administration policies. The Pope, who is known for advocating for social justice, peace, … Continue reading Trump Says “Pope Francis is Possessed” After Leader of Church Condemns His Policies
California has forced churches to start repainting statues of Jesus in which the religious figure is depicted with white skin. The move comes after a large group of leftist historians pointed out that Jesus couldn’t have possibly been white and … Continue reading California Law Forces Churches to Paint Statues of White Jesus With Blackface Due to Historical & Racial Inaccuracies
When it comes to the most profound questions about existence—whether God exists, what happens after death, or why the universe is the way it is—many of us instinctively seek certainty. But what if certainty is the wrong goal? What if acknowledging the limits of our knowledge is the most intellectually honest stance we can take? That’s exactly what agnosticism offers: a path grounded in openness, inquiry, and realism. Here’s why you should consider it. Continue reading Agnosticism: The Most Honest Approach to Life’s Biggest Questions
Scientists across the globe are now starting to admit that there is a perk for those of us who are wisely choosing not to get vaccinated against Covid: We’re 11 times more likely to meet God sooner than all of … Continue reading Jealous?: Anti-Vaxxers Are 11 Times More Likely To Meet God Before You
Pope Francis gave a short speech today in which he expressed a deep concern over the fact that the image of Jesus has not appeared on any snacks or breakfast foods for a very, very long time. The Pope says … Continue reading Pope ‘Deeply Concerned’ As Image Of Jesus Hasn’t Appeared On Waffles, Chips, Fries Or Toast In A Very Long Time
According to a leaked memo, Fox News anchors are now only allowed to refer to COVID-19 deaths as “meetings with Jesus.” Many are calling the move a shamefully transparent attempt to influence public perception of the White House’s handling of … Continue reading Fox News Is Now Calling Coronavirus Deaths ‘Meetings With Jesus’
During an evening address at the Vatican, Pope Francis made remarks on the coronavirus and the state of the world that included harsh words for US president Donald Trump and his supporters. “Truly I tell you, there is a reason … Continue reading Pope Francis Calls Trump Supporters ‘Evil at Worst, Stupid at Best’
Reaching over 2″ long and packing a body-tissue-destroying sting, the Murder Hornet has been sent to North America as yet another “Fuck You!” from God Himself. Bringing a higher volume and worse toxicity of venom than any other hornet species, … Continue reading God Hates Us: Swarms of Giant Asian ‘Murder Hornets’ Arrive in North America Because, Why the Fuck Not?
Hoping to set a good example for people across the planet, Jesus Christ announced today that He would not be leaving His cavernous tomb this year in order to celebrate Easter; citing the coronavirus as His main cause for concern. … Continue reading Jesus Refuses to Leave His Tomb For First Easter in 2,000 Years
At his Easter press conference with reporters this morning, a mind blown president Trump shouted at reporters “I just learned that Jesus was brown or black! Did you know that? I just learned it today. What a time to be … Continue reading Excited Trump Shouts ‘I Just Learned Jesus Was Black!’ at Easter Press Conference
Devout Christians Robert and Denise Ferraro of Naperville, Illinois say that they began forgetting that Christ had anything to do with Christmas when their 10-year-old daughter Cindy came home from public school last December and told them that she had… Continue reading Christians are having a really fucking hard time keeping Christ in Christmas
Pope Francis announced today that the Vatican has created a completely new Bible that aligns with scientists’ current understanding of the modern world. The new holy book will be called the Jorge Mario Betgoglio Bible after the Pope’s birth name. … Continue reading The Vatican will release a new version of the Bible that aligns with modern science
“Those familiar with the Bible will immediately know that this is The Mark of the Beast,” stated Carson while steepling his fingers and arching his eyebrows. Continue reading Inverted Cross on Trump’s Head a Sign of The Antichrist?
The world’s top U.S. whiskey gets an ‘offensive’ marketing overhaul. Continue reading Jack Daniel’s to Use ‘What Would Jesus Do’ Acronym
