17-year old Brighton Phillips of Peoria, Arizona won an internship with NASA his senior year of high school and drove all the way to Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland. On his first full day, Phillips was tasked with examining the brightness of a star through NASA’s Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite (TESS). Only one day into his internship, he discovered Heaven. After verifying Phillip’s work, NASA announced on their website the existence of Heaven and published a paper with the young man’s findings. “I just had to adjust the zoom and direction we were facing so we weren’t gazing into outer space. I looked just above Earth’s clouds and sure enough there was Heaven,” Phillips stated. “I first got the initial glimpse and thought, ‘Oh man, that looks so cool,’ but then when I looked at the full image, my lab mate and I noticed we were looking right at an old man, and he was naked.” According to NASA, Phillips then panned around and found that Heaven was mostly full of nude, elderly people. “No one was wearing any clothes and the average age was somewhere around 73,” Phillips confirmed. “So I guess we all have that to look forward to.” Advertisements
Devout Christians Robert and Denise Ferraro of Naperville, Illinois say that they began forgetting that Christ had anything to do with Christmas when their 10-year-old daughter Cindy came home from public school last December and told them that she had…
Although most Americans admit they aren’t worthy of going to Heaven, the vast majority also say that they haven’t made a plan for when they inevitably become God’s leftovers. What do you think?
When asked by reporters today how he felt about Rick Perry calling him God’s “Chosen One,” president Trump faced cameras at the White House and stated “It’s cute. I think it’s really cute that Rick still thinks there’s a God. If anything, I am God!” The president’s statement caused immediate outrage among religious people of all political leanings, prompting Trump to later tweet out a clarification. The tweet has been deemed offensive by many, but good enough to serve as both an excuse and an apology for today’s Republicans.
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”
The world’s top U.S. whiskey gets an ‘offensive’ marketing overhaul.
“Dennis is cool. He’s not a weird guy, and he knows a lot about football, but the other guys just didn’t seem comfortable, whatsoever, with his humor,” stated Sorenson…