Sorry libtards, but just because I’m fully-clothed, crying and eating Goya beans on the shower floor doesn’t mean that I’m a little, snowflake bitch like you. It means I’m a patriot who knows what’s really going on! Us Trump supporters are the ones who actually care about the United States! Not cucks like you. You dirty, purple-haired hippies probably don’t even know what a shower is! Ha! Well I’m trying to get all of my shower time in before the commie socialists start rationing food and water – which obviously would include beans and bathing. Besides, could a snowflake even handle listening to Y.M.C.A. on repeat while remembering how great Trump was and consuming five patriotic pounds of Goya brand beans? I think not! And why not? Because you’re all low-energy, un-American vegans. Wake up sheeple. All the participation trophies in the world aren’t going to save you from Biden. You’re all pathetic.
Sources are reporting that hundreds of fact checkers at news organizations around the world were abruptly let go from their jobs after White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki completed an entire briefing without lying once to the press. “With the previous administration, fact checkers typically spent hours analyzing questionable or outright ridiculous statements from just a single, 15-minute briefing,” MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow stated. “But today Press Secretary Psaki took to the podium for half an hour and didn’t even try to tell a single lie.” Meanwhile, Fox News personality Sean Hannity called the press conference “suspicious.” “It makes you wonder: what is the Biden administration’s endgame here?” a bewildered Hannity asked. “What exactly are they up to?”
Joe Biden has reportedly agreed to hire Elizabeth Warren to cleanse the White House with sage before moving in. The decision comes after Warren reached out to the Bidens yesterday, telling them that she was concerned the building needed “an authentic, Native American sage purification to get all of the toxic Trump energy out.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
When asked today how he felt about the Trumps not following tradition and inviting his family to the White House, Joe Biden told reporters that he wasn’t bothered by it at all. “It’s no skin off my nose! We all know the man’s a chicken-hearted, white-livered chucklehead,” Biden laughed. “He’s all hat and no cattle. And he can try to avoid me all he wants, but I promise that I’ll be visiting Trump when he goes to prison. Because I’m a considerate guy like that.” When reached for comment, the White House released a statement saying that they didn’t know which crimes Joe Biden was accusing the president of committing. “If Joe Biden thinks Donald Trump committed a crime, then he’s going to have to be a lot more specific so we can address his particular claims because right now there are literally dozens of open court cases and lawsuits against the President.”
Former NBA player Charles Barkley was checked into the hospital last night after he told a stunned TV audience that NBA, NFL, and NHL players should be given the COVID-19 vaccine first “because they pay more in taxes.” By the time he finished his statement, Barkley’s body had already subconsciously removed his right shoe and sock from his foot and begun pulling the appendage up to his mouth. He then unhinged his jaw and firmly lodged the entire size 16 foot into his mouth before the show cut to commercial. As of press time Barkley’s foot had been successfully removed from his mouth, but doctors warned that – because of his unchecked privilege – the former athlete is also very susceptible to getting his head stuck up his own ass.
Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from our family histories about how this works,” accused terrorist Jake Chansley stated. “We should have stormed the Capitol while wearing hoods and robes, not horns and furs.” Indeed, countless insurrectionists now find themselves on the no-fly list, facing felonies, and very likely to be barred from voting or owning guns. “All of these arrests could have been avoided if we’d just embraced our grandparents’ fashion choices for such events,” Chansley stated. “My God. Have we learned nothing from history!?” As of press time, many of the arrested domestic terrorists were blaming president Trump for telling them what to do, but not how to go about getting away with it.