Lindsey Graham: “I’ll snort cocaine out of Donald Trump’s asshole before I’ll vote to impeach”

YouReadyGrandma

South Carolina Senator and closeted homosexual Lindsey Graham told reporters today that he’d “snort a pound of cocaine out of the president’s chocolate starfish before even considering impeachment.” “That’s right,” a wide-eyed Graham continued. “I’ll take a pound of coke from Mr. Trump’s stash, and do bump after bump until my little Southern belle heart explodes.” Political experts immediately called Graham’s bluff, citing the fact that the Senator would first need to be capable of removing his head from the president’s ass in order to snort anything. Advertisements

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Surprise testimony from Donna Brump proves Trump’s guilt in impeachment hearings

YouReadyGrandma

A White House staffer named Donna Brump, who claims to be “unbelievably close” to President Trump, testified today before Congress. In a shocking series of seemingly unforced admissions, Brump unequivocally proved that president Trump has violated the US Constitution. “I don’t even know who Donna Brump is,” Trump tweeted minutes after Brump left the hearing. “I’ve never met this person. She may be an incredibly handsome woman, but I have no idea what she was talking about.”

Chick-fil-A says they’ll stop exclusively killing and serving gay chickens

YouReadyGrandma

After decades or targeting the homosexual chicken community, Chick-fil-A says they’ll no longer actively source LGBTQ fowl to serve in their restaurants. The announcement comes as a shock to many, as the company had never mentioned the practice before. Meanwhile, the news has sparked outrage among the religious right who now have to come to terms with the fact that they’ve repeatedly put homosexual flesh inside of their mouths and swallowed every single time.

USDA adds ‘Ass’ to MyPlate nutritional guide in misguided effort to relate to today’s youth

YouReadyGrandma

The USDA is defending itself after adding ‘Ass’ to the MyPlate nutritional guide in an effort grab attention, look cool and fit in with current youth culture. One promotional poster that was sent to schools recommends eating ass twice daily. Government officials are strongly suggesting that parents have a proactive talk with their kids about eating ass, since the posters have already been circulated in countless public schools across the country.

The Vatican will release a new version of the Bible that aligns with modern science

YouReadyGrandma

Pope Francis announced today that the Vatican has created a completely new Bible that aligns with scientists’ current understanding of the modern world. The new holy book will be called the Jorge Mario Betgoglio Bible after the Pope’s birth name. “We’ve removed miracles entirely by explaining them with science,” Francis stated. “We also took out all of the overt sexism, racism and gratuitous violence.” The Vatican says it went ahead and addressed potentially homophobic verses by simply removing them. “Honestly, most of Leviticus is gone,” Francis confirmed. “Instead we’ve taken a realistic route and included a gay love affair and wedding between Jesus and his disciple John.” The Vatican is set to release the 79-page Jorge Mario Betgoglio Bible by Easter Sunday – or as the new holy book calls it – April Fool’s Day.

President Trump’s thick butt-cheek implants are leaking lead into his bloodstream

YouReadyGrandma

Physician to the president Sean Conley revealed today that president Trump’s massive butt-cheek implants have been leaking lead into his bloodstream for months; maybe even years. “Symptoms of lead poisoning include learning disabilities, constipation, hyperactivity, and irritability,” Conley stated. “The president checks all of those boxes, but it’s a small price to pay to look like Kim Kardashian.” Trump campaign staffers say it’s unlikely the president will remove the implants as he uses them to clap for himself at rallies.

Kanye West drops 3 hour album of nothing but silence

YouReadyGrandma

American rapper, singer, and songwriter Kanye West released his latest album titled Pensive today. The 3 hour and 12 minute album consists of 17 tracks of varying lengths which contain nothing but silence. Notably, the album sells for $199.99 and critics are calling it West’s best work to date. No tour will be announced to accompany the release until Kanye can figure out how to shut the fuck up.

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