An elderly woman in Madison, Wisconsin named Margaret Newsome unknowingly spent the last seven years of her life living with a human who was dressed in a dog costume. Newsome’s family, who never visited her, became suspicious when several furries showed up to her funeral. The confirmation that something strange was going on came when the family later found multiple photos of the furry and Newsome framed in her house while they were going through her things. After days of investigation, authorities are still searching for their suspect and don’t have any leads. “The moral of the story here is call and spend time with your grandma,” Madison County Sheriff Doug Martin stated. “Or else there’s a decent chance that a stranger in a dog costume will.” Advertisements
(Waukesha, WI) – Local man Brian Fitzsimmons who’s been down on his luck lately and desperate for anything to work out decided Sunday afternoon that he’d get himself a real lucky rabbit’s foot for good luck. First, Fitzsimmons found a rabbit in the woods in his backyard. Using a fishing net, he caught it and brought it to his toolshed. He then grabbed a hacksaw and began carving through the bunny’s front left paw. Once he cut clean through, he went and chucked the rabbit carcass back into the woods whereupon he found ten adorable newborn bunnies that the butchered rabbit had just recently given birth to. Fitzsimmons says he now plans to teach his kids how to make lucky rabbit’s feet when he has custody next week. “I’ve been looking for a way to bond with my children. This just might be it,” an unemployed Fitzsimmons stated. “Who knows. This could even be the start of a new business venture for me. Things are looking up!”
Recent studies reveal that nearly 20% of flight attendants saying they’ve received reports of passenger-on-passenger sexual assault on a flight and 68% have been sexually harassed themselves. If you’re keeping up with the times, you should already know that there are certain things men can no longer do with their genitals on an airplane. Here are 5 things that aren’t acceptable to do with your penis on a plane in 2020. 1. Although plastic stirrers and straws are frowned up in today’s green culture, never stir your drink with your penis while on a flight. 2. Don’t shave your balls on the tray table. Sometimes it’s hard to find time to check off personal care items from your to-do list, but creating multiple, mini-tumbleweeds of pubes that will fly throughout the cabin for the duration of the flight is frowned upon today. 3. Never dress your penis up as your emotional support pet by giving it a red vest and gluing hair, ears, and googly eyes to it and then proceed to pull your dick out on your lap and pet it. 4. Stir your neighbor’s drink. 5. Slap seated passengers in the face with your penis as you walk down the aisle to your seat.
Several presidential candidates have been funneling donations into private health savings accounts in order to pay for their personal healthcare and medical bills as they inch closer and closer to death each day. Donald Trump, age 73, lead in fundraising last quarter. The president raked in $46 million; some of which will be used to keep excess skin pulled back from his face and stapled to the back of his scalp. The White House says Trump is also setting money aside to pay for an imminent quadruple bypass. Here’s how much money other elderly candidates raised last quarter to put toward personal medical care in case Trump wins again and the US healthcare system remains an unaffordable dumpster fire. Senator Bernie Sanders, 78: $34.5 millionStaffers say Sanders plans to replace his heart, which doctors and political experts agree is way too large. Former Vice President Joe Biden, 77: $22.7 millionJoe Biden will be using much of his money to fight his near-constant battle with lice which could easily be solved if he’d stop sniffing women’s hair. Sadly, the campaign is also looking into treatment for early onset Alzheimer’s as complete thoughts and sentences have become difficult for Biden to verbalize. Senator Elizabeth Warren, 70: $17 million. Being female, Warren is expected to have less medical issues, but she’s developed a drinking problem on the campaign trail in a misguided and racist effort to “become more Native American”. Warren will be needing a liver transplant before the end of 2020. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, 77: Refuses donations, uses his own money. Bloomberg – a billionaire – has had so many body parts replaced that he’s 87% robot and could be one of the first humans to live forever.
Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, little, bigoted religion,” Bishop Kenneth H. Carter stated. “We want no part of their thinly-veiled hatred for people who are different from them.” Hours later, excommunicated church members announced that they’ve already started the “Straight Power Methodist” denomination where self-loathing homosexuals are still welcome.
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”