President Trump has been trying to downplay his flatulence problem since journalist and author Bob Woodward released 18 recordings today in which the president is heard audibly farting nearly 150 times. In one interview alone, back in February, Trump farted eleven times during a single statement in which he revealed he knew new the coronavirus pandemic was far more serious than he was telling the public. “It’s a very tricky situation – fart. It goes through the air Bob – fart, fart – … you just breathe the air and that’s how it’s passed – fart. It’s also more deadly than even your – fart – more strenuous flus. This is far more deadly – fart. This is 5% whereas the flu is only 1%.” Trump continued. “It’s not just old people, Bob – fart. Some startling farts – fart, fart, fart – err… facts came out. It’s not just old people dying,” Trump stated. “I wanted to always play it down. I still like playing it down because I don’t want to create a – fart – panic.” As of press time, the country was bracing for even more hot air to come out of the president as he tries explaining away Woodward’s recordings.
E! cable network says the Jenners and Kardashians have voided their own contracts for Keeping Up With the Kardashians after recent surgeries resulted in the families being comprised of more than 50% plastic parts. “Our network signed a contract with human beings,” a statement from E! read. “What remains of these families is mostly fake. From a legal standpoint, they are now nothing more than cold, unthinking, unfeeling objects.” According to the network, the final season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians has already been taped and will air in 2021. Meanwhile, E! is set to take physical ownership of the two families. “According to a judge’s recent ruling, E! has every right to continue to use the family as we see fit,” a statement from E! read. “If we wanted to begin filming Kourtney & Kim Take Themselves Apart – a show where the two women literally start removing body parts to scare people in public – then we will do just that.”
Of the nearly 20.4 million US veterans in the United States, the Trump Administration managed to coax just under 700 of them on Craigslist to sign an open letter in support of the president. The letter comes just after it was revealed by multiple sources that Trump had called veterans “suckers” and “losers” in the past, and questioned why people join the military in the first place. The president also reportedly pushed back against having injured veterans in military parades, saying, “nobody wants to see that.” What do you think?
Merriam-Webster made a controversial move today when they announced that they had added yet another definition for the word ‘trumpery’ to the dictionary. The company explained their decision in a press release. “We believed it to be appropriate for current times to affix one more definition to the word ‘trumpery’ in our big book of words,” the press release read. “As you can see below, we’ve also added the word ‘douchebaggery’ as there wasn’t a perfect word to further describe the president and enhance the new definition.” As of press time the president was calling for the boycott of all dictionaries; something that the vast majority of his supporters had already been doing.
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was caught on back to back days having businesses in San Francisco illegally style and remove hair from both her head and her anus. Pelosi says that she was tricked into receiving both services as she wasn’t aware of the laws currently in place in her own state. “In both instances I was approached by the businesses. Not the other way around.” Pelosi stated. “So when I got my hair styled and my chocolate starfish waxed, I assumed that everything was on the up and up.” Pelosi said that she was certain she hadn’t broken any laws when she went to get her butthole waxed on the second day. “When they waxed my balloon knot, they had me lay on a massage table in the back alley. Because we were outdoors I was certain that what we were doing was legal,” Pelosi stated. “But lo and behold the removal of hair from my smelly Susan was a setup as well!” As of press time Pelosi had reportedly made yet another appointment for tomorrow; this time to have her conscience cleaned.
Nintendo was taking heat this morning from the far right after it was revealed that the company’s wildly popular game Animal Crossing: New Horizons would now include yard signs showing support for presidential candidate Joe Biden. Many on the right were quick to anger, pointing out they they lacked any representation in the social simulation video game which is geared toward children ages 3 and up. “Look. I’m just like any other Trump-loving guy who hates Blacks and enjoys pretending to live in a village inhabited by various anthropomorphic animals while going fishing, bug catching, and fossil hunting,” self-described white nationalist Justin Longman stated. “It’s just typical for the leftist Hollywood elite video game developers to completely forget about a large subsection of their players. Would it really be so bad if Animal Crossing catered to every viewpoint?” In response to the public outcry, Nintendo has since added a white hood and a tiki torch as purchasable items in the game. As of press time some experts were predicting that it would take about a week for there to be a full-blown race war within the multiplayer game.
During an interview on Fox News, president Trump told Laura Ingraham that the police officer who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back had “choked” much like “missing a three foot putt.” But the strange answer didn’t stop there. In the edited out portion of the tape, Trump continued his comparison for another fourteen minutes. “Everyone knows that seven shots is over par for any hole. So I don’t know what that officer was doing. That’s sloppy play.” Trump stated. “But when you think about it, seven shots over par on… say the back nine at Mar-a-Lago is actually pretty good. So it really just depends on whatever it is we’re talking about here.” At this point Ingraham had unsuccessfully tried to stop Trump’s insensitive, incoherent rambling twice, but he continued. “You know, just the other day I was playing golf with a few Black guys and I shot a hole in one. I shot a hole in one on a par five. Can you believe it?” Trump asked a stunned Ingraham. “And honestly that’s the closest I’ve come to what that officer did because honestly nobody has done more for the Black community than me. Maybe Abraham Lincoln. Maybe Lincoln. I wonder if he golfed.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore