Quaker Oats announced today that their Aunt Jemima brand syrups and pancake mix will be renamed Antifa Jemima. The switch to using the word ‘Antifa,’ which stands for anti-fascist, signals the beginning of the end of racism during breakfast time. “Aunt Jemima’s origin is based on a deeply offensive racial stereotype, so we’re making a big change,” Quaker Oats spokesperson Jacquie Powers stated. “Whereas ‘Aunt Jemima’ is flat out racist, ‘Antifa Jemima’ is flipping the script to counterbalance the damage our brand has caused for decades. Consider this name change just a small part of the sticky-sweet justice of reparations.” Original photo credit Advertisements
It’s here! McDonald’s has announced their all-new McKaren sandwich. The fast food chain says the new food option is guaranteed to be ready in 30 seconds or less, in store, or it’s free. “As a tribute to all Karens, the McKaren is comprised of an all-white bun with nothing of substance inside; making it easy to ensure that your meal hasn’t been poisoned,” McDonald’s CEO Christopher Kempczinski stated. Currently, as part of a promotion, Karens can get a free McKaren if they complete a mobile order and then wait in line at the drive-thru for some fucking reason. They will then be handed a receipt and be told to park in a mobile pickup spot. Notably, if the sandwich takes longer than 30 seconds to be delivered to the vehicle, a robot with a manager’s name tag will go up to Karen’s car and just stand there while being shouted at. McDonald’s says the robot is also capable of apologizing while spitting out free meal coupons for up to eight hours.
(Green Bay, WI) Local man Justin Loughty says he’s tired of being called a racist just because he hates minorities. Loughty says he’s being unfairly discriminated against his whole life and that he plans to start a group that will welcome everyone in the area – no matter who they are – so long as they look and think just like him. “I also want an inclusive, protected area or space; something for guys like me,” Loughty stated. “Something for guys who find friends by using a variation of the n-word – such as ‘ninja’ – when around unfamiliar company. You know, people who throw the white power hand sign as a ‘joke’. Simple things like that.” Loughty says the final straw for him was when his daughter brought her black boyfriend from college home. “He had the nerve to call me racist! I know in my heart that I don’t feel racist, but my daughter will not be dating a black guy!” Loughty shouted. “I didn’t even know we had those around here and we aren’t giving grandma a stroke.” As of press time, Loughty had decided not to start his own group as he found that at least four similar organizations already existed in Wisconsin.
A Gallop poll on happiness was released today that shows more than 70% of millennials are “totally okay with dying, like literally right now.” Here are the top 10 reasons that were given by participants: 10) Can’t afford health insurance anyway. 9) A forever nap actually sounds rather nice right about now. 8) Mercury is in retrograde. 7) Racism. Like, A LOT of it. 6) Had to go deep into student loan debt just to get a job that pays $18/hr. 5) My Chemical Romance. 4) Had to move back in with parents. 3) Bored. Looking for something new to do. 2) Serotonin has been depleted from impulsive hair coloring. 1) We’re trapped in a cold, unforgiving world full of hate, ignorance and violence, and left here to slowly wither away, suffering, and eventually dying alone.
A handful of NASCAR drivers led by Ray Ciccarelli have announced that they plan to start a new stock car racing league. Ciccarelli says the move is a direct rebuke of NASCAR’s ban on the Confederate flag from all official events. The newly formed organization called ‘RACECAR’ – which stands for the Racing Association for Confederacy Enthusiasts, Caucasians, And Racists – says it will be hosting races like The White Power 500 beginning as early as August. “We’re catering to a specific, surprisingly large, diehard audience. You know, people who still want to secede From the Union, people who think slavery wasn’t all that bad, and people who don’t have time to learn any American history,” Ciccarelli stated. Notably, RACECAR has already secured likeminded sponsors, which include: Fox News, Hobby Lobby, Chick-fil-A, BP, Home Depot, SoulCycle, Marvel Entertainment, Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., Joe’s Crab Shack, Cracker Barrel, UFC, WWE, CVS and Facebook/Instagram.
A Politico-Morning Consult poll released today found that 27% of Americans somewhat or strongly believe that president Trump is a man of faith. Meanwhile 55% of respondents say they somewhat or strongly believe that Trump is not a religious man. What do you think?
Georgia Governor Brian Kemp is likely to face charges for voter suppression after he deliberately moved a predominately Democrat polling place to an oil rig located 17 miles off the coast of Georgia. During a lunchtime press conference the governor denied any wrongdoing. “Everyone in that precinct was given an equal opportunity to vote at a slightly decentralized location. No favorites were played,” Kemp stated. “So you could say that everyone was in the same boat – so long as they made the one and only 8 a.m. ferry going to oil platform P-51.” More as this story develops.