People across the United States are being asked to inform their apartment, townhouse, or condo neighbors if they plan on smoking marijuana. The odd request is so that panic doesn’t spread from hearing repeated, guttural coughing through the walls after someone hits their bong or does a dab. American citizens are also being told by Senator Bernie Sanders to show compassion by offering marijuana to their neighbors. “I’m asking that everyone share their cannabis in this difficult and trying time,” Sanders stated. “I think we can all agree that now is a great time to torch up that sweet sticky icky, and puff puff pass it around. Now, if anyone has some Blue Dream or some White 99, please meet me backstage immediately after this.” Advertisements
(Portland, OR) Local woman Maria Sommers’ cell phone is currently covered in Coronavirus and patiently waiting in her pocket for her to pull it out for the 117th time today. Sommers, like most people, has no common sense or clue how futile her attempts are to keep the virus from touching her body. As of press time, Sommers was about to put her phone up to her ear, cheek, and mouth to make a phone call.
The coronavirus-free states of Alaska, Montana, Alabama, Mississippi, West Virginia, and Maine have begun construction of their own border walls in order to keep people with the virus out. Alabama Governor Kay Ivey was very direct today when asked about neighboring states’ residents wanting to cross into her territory. “When Georgia or Tennessee send their people, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending people that are bringing disease to us,” Ivey stated. “They’re raiding the hand sanitizers. They’re stealing masks from hospitals. They’re taking our disinfecting wipes and buying up all of the goddamned toilet paper. And some, I assume, are good people.” Meanwhile the states of Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, and North Dakota admit they have no need to construct a border wall as they’ve accepted that fact that nobody – no matter how desperate – wants to go there.
(Philadelphia, PA) Former Vice President Joe Biden gave an incoherent, rambling speech at a rally this afternoon in front of a small, perplexed crowd. At one point during the speech Biden spent several minutes talking about “the time Dan ate the clouds like cotton candy.” “I got this old buddy Dan,” Biden grinned. “And Dan was a funny guy. A shithead, but a real fun shithead. You know? Anyways, Dan and I are talking and we’re talking about how you can’t compare apples and oranges, but what about bananas and plantains?” Biden then paused for 15 seconds. Staring blankly at the visibly confused crowd. “No really! I mean it!” Biden shouted, snapping out of his trance and continuing his story. “Anyway, Dan was disappointed when he found the beach to be so sandy and the sun so sunny,” Biden continued. “So we decide to go inside to the hotel room, but we hit the wrong elevator button and end up on the roof. So Dan says to me he says, ‘Before I moved to the inner city, I always believed that security complexes were psychological’. Then Dan turns around, walks right up to a cloud in the sky – because we’re on the roof, remember – and Dan just starts eating the clouds like cotton candy. What a shithead.” As of press time, members from Joe Biden’s campaign had already defended Biden’s story on various news channels, calling the former vice president a “very stable genius.”
Completely oblivious of the Coronavirus, Canadian rock band Nickelback has continued the United States leg of their “All the Right Reasons” world tour as the typical crowd size of seven people hasn’t dwindled since the outbreak began. Public health officials who had advised the cancellation of concerts specifically stated that they will permit Nickelback shows to go on. “Nobody will ever see a Nickelback concert as a possible public health hazard because they don’t have any fans,” CDC Robert Redfield stated, “We’ve confirmed that it’s just the tour bus driver, and a handful of the stage crew out there in the stands cheering the band on every night. It’s always been just them. In fact, if you want to be safe from the virus, one of the best places you could go is to a Nickelback concert, but I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”
(Denver, CO) Local man Peter Darling says the unadjustable, nearly-freezing cold water in his workplace restroom is most likely not killing off the Coronavirus, or any other germs for that matter. “If anything, we’re probably giving the virus a nice, soothing bath while our hands go numb from 20 seconds of ice cold water,” the 70-year old Darling stated. In response Darling – who has around a 10% chance of dying from the virus – was told that the cold tap water was the result of the company not wanting to be sued should an employee burn themselves. “First and foremost, we take employee safety very seriously,” a company representative stated between coughs. “Secondly, the last thing we want is a bunch of employees walking around with burns, unable to shake hands with our clients. So for those two reasons, the tap water will remain at a safe and reasonable 40-degrees.”
The largest chain of Italian-themed restaurants in the United States – Olive Garden – has placed all 840 of its locations under mandatory quarantine after Italian Premier Giuseppe Conte put a lockdown on travel across the entirety of Italy. The decision by the premier is to stop the spread of coronavirus, while the inexplicable move by Olive Garden has left over 86,000 guests and employees needlessly locked inside of restaurants across the US. Olive Garden’s parent company Darden Restaurants Inc. says the decision is in line with the restaurant chain’s Italian authenticity, which the company prides itself on. “Darden and Olive Garden take branding very seriously,” CEO Eugene Lee stated. “As such, our guests are being asked to remain at their assigned booths or tables and enjoy time with their friends, family, unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.” As of press time Darden plans to keep all guests and employees under lockdown until Guiseppe Conte ends the mandatory quarantine. This decision comes despite the fact that hundreds of guests are already beginning to show early warning signs of diabetes and heart disease. Photo credit Mike Mozart