The Sun is crossing its magnetic fields and thinking of anything but the flowing Milky Way as it waits in desperation for the Moon to block the Earth this Monday; allowing it to finally get some privacy.
Having not voided its bowels since the previous eclipse on August 21st of 2017, scientists say the self-conscious celestial body will urinate and defecate nonstop for about an hour, marking its first release in nearly seven years.
“People on Earth will only be able to see some stray splashes outside the visible edges of the Moon as it shields the Sun from our view,” NASA solar specialist Kristen Mahomes confirmed. “We refer to this visible golden urine as the Corona, because of how the beer tastes.”
“But in reality, what we’re missing out on is the view of a thick, heavy, seemingly unending deluge of liquid waste accompanied by poop projectiles, blasted out of the Sun via the force of flatulence. Only a handful of astronauts have witnessed this,” Mahomes stated.
One of those astronauts is Apollo 8 and 13 astronaut James Lovell.
“When I first saw what the Sun was doing on the Apollo 8 mission I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t even blink. And then, after about 30 minutes, I began to vomit uncontrollably,” Lovell said. “You can only be aroused by something so disgusting for so long.”
Lovell added that his experience with the Sun on the Apollo 13 mission was almost exactly the same.
“When the Sun does vacate its bowels, people on Earth won’t be able to feel the shockwaves and vibrations as the Moon will serve as a barrier from the powerful blasts while taking the brunt of the trauma and enduring the creation of new craters,” Lovell added.
As a safeguard to ensure that the Sun never gains enough confidence to relieve itself when Earth is not blocked by the Moon, NASA says it has been periodically broadcasting degrading messages into space in an effort to shame the hot ball of gas into remaining too nervous and uncomfortable to go to the bathroom while exposed.
As of press time, NASA says it’s hoping that it hadn’t gotten so negative with the humiliation and shaming that the Sun decides to take a shower or bath during this moment of privacy instead.
“We would definitely notice 8 minutes and 20 seconds after the Sun hopped in,” Mahomes confirmed. “And then, as with all dead things, the peeing and pooping would happen naturally after that.”