Pope Francis gave a Valentine’s Day sermon at St. Peter’s Basilica today in which he asked couples to welcome single friends into their bedroom. The surprising suggestion has many asking if the religious leader is doing alright. “It’s an utterly lonely world out there,” an emotional, teary-eyed Francis stated. “So please, I implore you, invite someone to lay with you in carnal sin. It could be anybody really: authority figures, devoutly religious clergy, you name it – the right person could very well be in this room right now.” Upon finishing his sermon, the Pope tossed out handful after handful of candy hearts with his phone number on them as he strut down the center aisle like a runway model. Advertisements
Leaders at the World Health Organization (WHO) pleaded with people across the globe today to stop rubbing their eyeballs together. WHO says the act is the fastest and easiest way to spread the coronavirus. “It’s common practice in many parts of the world to greet friends and strangers alike by getting really close and slowly rubbing your eyeballs together,” WHO Director Tedros Adhanom stated. “We must immediately drop these niceties in order to defeat the coronavirus.” Despite the warning from WHO, many people have carried on with the traditional greeting, which is also the most common way to get pink eye. Importantly, WHO strongly recommends placing condoms over your eyelids if you insist on continuing to say “hi” with your eyes.
Senate Republicans celebrated their success in acquitting president Trump today, admitting their complete incompetence was a ruse that all but assures Republican Senators will never be called for jury duty. “We had our eyes on the prize the whole time and it really paid off,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell s grinned. “We’ve now clearly demonstrated an inability to be fair or impartial; meaning we’ll never receive a jury summons or have to pretend to care about the rule of law again.”
After conservative shock jock Rush Limbaugh told his radio listeners that he was diagnosed with lung cancer today, people across the globe opened their hearts and their wallets to raise money to remove Rush Limbaugh from the young lung tumor. Around noon Eastern time a GoFundMe page was set up to raise money for the operation and within an hour the goal of $200,000 had already been surpassed; meaning that surgeons will be able to extract Rush Limbaugh from the tumor this coming Friday. Meanwhile, doctors say they are baffled by the situation as it is the first documented case of cancer getting cancer.
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
37 year-old Doug Martin of Torrance, California now deeply regrets inviting his parents over to his Super Bowl party after overhearing his mom Maurine Martin half-moan, half-whisper “I don’t care if he lost, that Jimmy Garoppolo can get it, get it. GET IT!” when she thought she was alone in the his kitchen. “I can’t un-hear what I heard,” Martin frowned. “It’s not that Jimmy Garoppolo isn’t hot, because my dad and I both think he is. It’s just that I don’t want to think about my mom in that way.”
Panama City, FL – An incredibly toned groundhog named ‘Chad’ predicted an early spring for 2020 this morning. The announcement came after Chad crawled out of bed and drank a Pedialyte to nurse his hangover before heading over to the gym.