Researchers are reporting that early trials with the drug chloroform have been successful in preventing the spread of COVID-19 by people refusing to follow social distancing rules. “The scientific community is optimistic that chloroform can help to subdue people who are putting others at risk,” Leadburry stated. “By simply placing a chloroform-soaked cloth over their nose and mouth, we have been able to suppress individuals who are actively ignoring social distancing protocols,” head researcher Katie Leadburry stated. Should next month’s final human trial prove successful, scientists say the drug could be ready for use in the general public. “We hope to have every Costco and Red Lobster manager outfitted with enough chloroform to overpower an entire klan of Karens should anti-science protesting get out of hand,” Leadburry confirmed. Advertisements
There are no laws in the state of Wisconsin anymore after a shocking 4-3 decision by the state Supreme Court found today that none of the state’s laws, or even the constitution itself, are constitutional. In the majority opinion conservative justices argued that “a government body cannot confer on itself the power to dictate the lives of individuals without reaching beyond its own authority; only God can rule over man.” Upon the conclusion of their final ruling, the Wisconsin Supreme Court officially dissolved itself leaving citizens to fend for themselves.
A group of over 200 immunology experts from around the world released a letter today begging Americans to “keep a safe distance of at least six channels from Fox News.” The letter listed several reasons for for the warning. “Fox News has repeatedly misinformed its viewers on the facts surrounding the coronavirus. Today, an alarmingly high number of Fox News viewers believe that the COVID-19 death toll is falsely inflated, that opening the states back up prematurely won’t cause a second wave, and that face masks do not need to be worn.” The letter continued. “What’s more, the news channel advocated for the use of hydroxychloroquine; a drug that proved to increase mortality rates. This deadly reporting decision alone should be enough to question the news channel’s legitimacy. In fact, Fox News viewers are consistently found to be the least informed.” The letter concluded by recommending that viewers take a break from the channel and read up on what actual experts have been saying about COVID-19. “We’re not saying that CNN or MSNBC are perfect or without bias, we’re just letting Fox News viewers know that their main source of information is incredibly misleading and making this entire situation much, much worse,” the letter read. “Maybe try reading a reputable medical journal for once.” In response to the letter, Fox News personality Sean Hannity fired back calling the vast majority of scientists “liars and frauds,” stating that having an educational background and expertise in a subject “doesn’t mean that you know anything about anything.” “We can make stuff up too!” Hannity stated. “In fact we do it every single day.” Photo Credit Johnny Silvercloud
Lines, foot traffic, parking, and people have now become reasonable at Costco locations across the country thanks to a nationwide boycott of the chain by idiots who refuse to follow the store’s mask-wearing requirement. Costco says the boycott has ‘undoubtedly improved’ the quality of its clientele. “In all fairness, we probably should have had some basic intelligence requirements to join Costco in the first place,” CEO Walter Jelinek stated. “This would have lessened the crowding issues we had and taken care of those idiots who block entire aisles with their carts.” Costco says that since the start of the boycott, revenue has – for the most part – remained steady and customers have reported a much more pleasant shopping experience. “Grocery shopping isn’t necessarily all that fun to begin with,” Costco customer Steven Pryor stated. “But I have to say it’s quite nice to not have to constantly dodge morons who lack spacial awareness.” As of press time, Costco says they’ll be permanently banning shoppers who try to enter their stores without a mask and donating their prorated membership balance to purchase face masks for essential workers.
After finally removing all of the filth and grime from NYC subways last night with a thorough cleaning, the NYC Metropolitan Transportation Authority (MTA) excitedly announced this morning that they had found a $20 bill in the process. Upon hearing the news, an energized New York Governor Andrew Cuomo said that the city should strongly consider cleaning its streets for the first time as well. “There’s money to be made in NYC,” a grinning Cuomo stated. “Plus it will be nice to have the streets restored to their original color – that signature bright and shiny New York apple red.” Photo Credit Zack Seward
With more than 30 million people having filed for unemployment since mid-March, and countless more Americans having a hard time making ends meet, president Trump told reporters today that those in need of assistance should simply ask their dad for money. “Look folks. It’s not that hard. Okay? It really isn’t. You pick up the phone. You press a few numbers – beep boop beep. Call your dad and ask for some money,” Trump stated. “In my experience you can get four, maybe even five hundred million dollars. That amount should hold you over for the next few months.”
Reaching over 2″ long and packing a body-tissue-destroying sting, the Murder Hornet has been sent to North America as yet another “Fuck You!” from God Himself. Bringing a higher volume and worse toxicity of venom than any other hornet species, the good and merciful Lord’s creation can sting repeatedly – causing tissue necrosis, anaphylactic shock, respiratory issues, extreme pain, blood clots, and liver damage. Murder Hornets are Jesus’ flying venom snakes. The insects are extremely territorial; attacking and consuming any large insect that comes across their path. Yet, in all of His wisdom, God created the Murder Hornet to favor the killing of endangered honeybees – an insect that pollinates around 35% of all crops raised for human consumption. The good Lord’s insidious invertebrate will mercilessly decapitate these bees, chewing their thoraxes into a ball of carnage to return to feed their demon larvae babies. Over time, the killings will inevitably result in crop failure and human starvation. Experts say that if all goes according to His plan, God willing, all humans should be eradicated from the planet by 2035.