Evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr. spoke briefly with reporters this afternoon after it was revealed that he spent years masturbating while watching his pool boy have sex with his wife. Falwell, who has demonized others for their non-traditional sex lives now admits that he gets off to cuckolding – or watching other men have sex with his wife. He also explained that he loves being shamed, belittled, and emasculated in general. “This whole experience is so humiliating that it’s easily the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me,” a sweaty Falwell moaned while rubbing his nipples. “I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life.” Falwell added that since a falling out with the pool boy – who allegedly threatened to release photos of Falwell’s wife – that the couple is looking for another third party for their sexual adventures. “If there’s anyone out there who’s willing to call me a worthless, hypocritical piece of shit and consensually pin my wife down while nailing her harder than Jesus, then we’d be very much so open to that,” Falwell stated. As of press time most of the country was already fulfilling the first part of Falwell’s request.
Hurricanes Laura and Marco multiplied into eight storms today after the Trump administration detonated nuclear weapons inside of the two weather systems in hopes of destroying them. Meteorologists say that people in the path of the hurricanes should prepare themselves for radioactive winds and rain by covering themselves – and everything they care about – in materials that block radiation, such as lead, tungsten, and bismuth. Notably, the World Meteorological Organization has deviated from the tradition of naming the storms after people and is instead calling the eight new radioactive hurricanes: Not Today Satan Oh, C’mon! Please God, Make It Stop! Quarantina Really? REALLY!? Shit, shit, shit! This Is The End, and Unbelievable Despite what happened today, the Trump administration is calling the nuclear detonations a big success. “Any attempt to label this as a ‘mistake’ or a ‘blunder’ is completely false and misleading,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany stated. “The president did what he set out to do. He completely destroyed hurricanes Laura and Marco, and now we just have to finish the job by blowing up the rest of the storms.”
It’s no secret that the United States Postal Service is hurting for money when they need it the most. With the Trump administration in strong opposition to additional funding, the USPS has taken it upon themselves to raise money by selling an all-new line of commemorative ‘Fuck Trump’ impeachment stamps. Notably, the stamps – which were designed by famous artist Shepard Fairey – include the date that Trump was impeached on the bottom. Historians say the stamp design marks the first time that the small, adhesive pieces of paper have depicted anyone in a negative light; let alone the president of the United States. “The president might not like the stamps, but he should really get used to seeing himself as he’s depicted: in a small, square space surrounded by men just like him,” University of California Berkeley history professor Stephanie Woods stated. “Because he’s going to be spending a lot of time in prison once his presidency is over.” If you believe in saving the United States Postal Service, please visit https://store.usps.com/store/home and purchase something.
A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after president Trump pushed the extract as a cure for the coronavirus. Oxford says that their sizable study, which included 5,125 patients and had a 100% mortality rate, has conclusively proven that oleandrin has the same impact on COVID-19 patients as grabbing a MyPillow®, shoving it down on a person’s face, and holding it there until they stop moving. “Half of the patients in our study were poisoned with oleandrin, the other half were suffocated by a MyPillow®. Sadly, everyone died,” researcher Yuri Reznick confirmed. Upon hearing the news, president Trump praised the study. “Can you believe it? The science shows oleandrin works just as well as best-selling sleep accessory the MyPillow®! With millions of these pillows having been sold across the country, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t welcome oleandrin into your household today!” As of press time, fed-up scientists across the globe were in agreement that this was the last time they’d be saving the president’s supporters from killing themselves due to Trump’s baseless, deadly medical advice.
In a shocking move today, First Lady Melania Trump announced that her ‘Be Best’ program against bullying has reached its surprise, final phase: voting Donald Trump out of office. “My fellow Americans. The time has come to teach the biggest bully I’ve ever met a lesson on the largest scale,” Melania smiled. “This November 3rd, I want you all to be your best by casting your vote for Joe Biden. Because when you vote for Joe, you’re not just voting to save America, you’re also standing up to a bully and sending a clear message that we won’t put up with Donald’s bullshit anymore!” As of press time, it remained unclear if Melania had ended her marriage, since being exceedingly cold-hearted toward the president has always been her thing.
(The Astral Plane) Tensions are running high in Heaven tonight as the 170,000+ Americans who have died from COVID-19 are protesting God for taking the wrong Trump. Authorities say the protests, which are being led by the late father of utilitarianism Jeremy Bentham, started when the president’s brother Robert Trump showed up at the pearly gates instead of Donald. “It sounds crass on the face of it, but the reality is that there is a moral question at hand: Do you take one life to save thousands of others?” Bentham stated. “Quite quickly it becomes apparent that the right thing to do is to remove this evil man who has clearly done more harm than good during the pandemic. There’s a lot of blood on his hands.” When asked how he felt about Robert Trump’s death, Bentham stated, “It is what it is.”
(The Astral Plane) After being essentially hands-off for millennia, the Devil and God stunned the world today when they publicly begged conservatives in America to stop screwing around and take the pandemic seriously. Both rulers reported that their individual dominions are nearing capacity due to COVID deaths; the majority of which are coming from the United States. “If Americans want out of this mess they’re going to have to knock some sense into the right wing,” the Devil stated. “Honestly, it’s getting hard to tell the difference between my realm and whatever the hell is going on up there.” God expressed similar sentiments. “The rate at which people are dying is outpacing how quickly we can build additional living space here in Heaven. Conservatives need to get their shit together or we’re going to have angels living under the overpass.” God stated. “And for the love of Me, don’t try to reopen the fucking schools because they’ll be closed within a week. I guarantee you that.” Photo credit James Cridland