A new poll on obesity by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, shows sixty-three percent of Americans would rather pee on Donald Trump every night for the rest of their lives than cook a healthy meal. “Most people said they’d prefer standing there, straddling the president and unleashing a stream of hot yellow Kool-Aid all over the commander in chief’s face and body,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “So it’s going to take a lot more to get this obesity crisis turned around than anyone initially thought.” Advertisements
The entire White House staff is being tested and many are being treated for syphilis. Experts are saying that the diagnosis makes sense as all the symptoms are present. “Syphilis-induced mental illness would explain the administration’s inability to make intelligent decisions,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “Couple this with blindness to reality and some really nasty, oozing sores and you’ve got the Trump administration. It’s an insidious disease.”
A tweaked-out Laura Ingraham ended her show on FOX News last night by smoking copious amounts of methamphetamines at her desk. She then wandered off set and came zooming back with a cold steak, plastic straws, and lightbulbs from the men’s restroom. After taking a few more hits, the unhinged Ingraham started aggressively screwing incandescent lightbulbs into the meat before getting mad and repeatedly stabbing the bloody steak with straws. Click here to watch the video.
Hard seltzer brands are enjoying what’s being called ‘The Summer of Seltzer’ as millions of barbaric Americans have come to terms with the fact that they don’t deserve nice things. These tasteless people have purchased so much of the carbonated-piss-water that there’s even a shortage of the borderline-flavorless White Claw brand. “Basic bitches are realizing that they don’t deserve anything more than a can of bubbly downers with vague suggestions of flavor,” White Claw CEO Anthony von Mandl stated. “In an otherwise bland world of blah bullshit, White Claw offers a nearly undetectable tinge of taste that still manages to be brighter than your tragic, pointless life.”
The bill was expected to pass unanimously, but has turned into an inexplicable, one-man filibuster by Ted Cruz.
Facebook announced its new dating app which will connect potential lovers using complex algorithms. Notably, the app also helps couples in open relationships to share partners, which can be done an unlimited amount of times. Authorities monitoring the app say they’ve already confirmed several sex parties that have been organized through the service. Since people noticed the polyamorous easter egg, usage has only spiked in Utah. Meanwhile, those in the South are demanding that the Facebook Dating app stop excluding relatives from matching results. Photo by Rawpixel Ltd
Gun lovers are showing their respect for new rules at stores across the nation by leaving their weapons unattended outside the front doors. At one point, a Walmart in Cypress, Texas had over 250 firearms stacked out front.