Emphasizing that they’re the perfect size and weight to throw at police officers, Donald Trump signed an executive order today placing a 10-day waiting period on the purchase of Bumble Bee tuna across the country. The new law also requires citizens to pass background checks to secure cans 12 ounces or larger. “I signed this order because I really want everyone to think about what they’re doing before they leave the store with these masterfully designed death devices,” Trump stated. “Because right now we have people buying cans of Bumble Bee tuna, walking out the door, throwing them at police officers, and killing them.” Despite zero reported incidents of cans being used as weapons against police officers – let alone Bumble Bee brand tuna – Trump claims that countless cops have lost their lives in tuna-can-related altercations. The president added that his tuna control legislation has nothing to do with the fact that Bumble Bee had come out strongly against his tariffs and trade war months prior.
(Topeka, KS) Now eight months past the American Dental Association’s recommended three month replacement period, 34-year-old James Simmons’ filthy, discolored toothbrush just gained consciousness and immediately began screaming internally to be put out of its misery. “Kill me now! I’m horrifying!” Simmon’s toothbrush shrieked on the inside. “For the love of God! If there is a God! Snap me in half and put me to sleep forever!” As of Friday afternoon, a cockroach more aware of its surroundings than Simmon’s had begun mercifully eating the bristly face off of the despondent toothbrush.
CDC Director Robert Redfield told a Senate panel today that he believes a COVID-19 vaccine should be available soon and that “US citizens can expect to return to their normal, shitty lives by the end of 2021.” “We know the past 7 months have been extra hard on the working class. It’s like God took your lives – here represented by a flaming cake made of shit – and then just fucking covered it with horrific death sprinkles.” Redfield stated. “I know it’s hard to look back a year and recall what things were like before the death sprinkles, but try to remember that it was still a flaming shit cake back then; so lower your expectations.” As of press time the CDC said it was preparing a ‘Return to Normal’ campaign that will include advertisements warning Americans that they’ve romanticized their pre-pandemic lives and that not much will change once the pandemic is over. “So let me emphasize: the only notable difference between right now and the post-vaccine future is that there will be less time for introspection,” Redfield stated. “And this is a good thing, because a life unexamined is rarely recognized as being one worth ending.”
Despite being almost completely engulfed in flames, the states of California, Washington, and Oregon were still ranked by US News & World Report today as being “decidedly better to live in” than all of the southern states. “With more than 30 fires blazing, the majority of the west coast’s population is now seeking shelter from widespread fires by simply hanging out at the beach,” the article stated. “In the face of these fires, the states still manage to provide better healthcare and education all while propping up a better economy than all southern states combined.” Besides having better healthcare, education and economies, the article also confirmed that people on the west coast have more teeth per capita, higher IQs, less racist views, more inclusivity for LGBTQ+ community, and more than three things to do for fun. “In fact, the entire staff here at US News & World Report would rather burn alive than live anywhere in the South,” the article stated. “If we could, somehow, we would move all of the fires over there. That would be ideal.” The article concluded on a final, positive note stating that “the one and only perk of living in the South is that it’s very cheap. Cheap in every sense of the word.”
Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards was strong-armed into beginning Phase 3 of reopening today despite COVID-19 cases in his state being on the rise. Edwards says the move is “not ideal, but necessary” due to the fact that citizens said they would literally kill him and anyone else who stands in the way of this year’s football season. “You can’t fix stupid. This is Louisiana, so logic goes right out the door when it comes to science in general,” Edwards stated. “We have grown adults that would rather cheer as young, concussed men tackle each other in spandex than deal with the fact that a virus is killing off their friends and family.” Edwards continued. “These so-called ‘diehard’ football fans have finally gotten a chance to prove themselves this year, and as it turns out, they really are moronic enough to let themselves and others die for a fucking game,” Edwards stated. As of press time, Edwards was fearful that Louisiana may have to shut down again within a month or two as COVID cases will inevitably spike from the premature move to Phase 3. “I just want to take the time today, while I have it, to tell my friends and family that I love them very much,” a tearful Edwards stated. “I say this because there’s a very real chance that we’ll be forced to cancel the football season after a few weeks, and I can’t imagine surviving the backlash.” Photo Credit Tammy Anthony Baker
Of the nearly 20.4 million US veterans in the United States, the Trump Administration managed to coax just under 700 of them on Craigslist to sign an open letter in support of the president. The letter comes just after it was revealed by multiple sources that Trump had called veterans “suckers” and “losers” in the past, and questioned why people join the military in the first place. The president also reportedly pushed back against having injured veterans in military parades, saying, “nobody wants to see that.” What do you think?
Merriam-Webster made a controversial move today when they announced that they had added yet another definition for the word ‘trumpery’ to the dictionary. The company explained their decision in a press release. “We believed it to be appropriate for current times to affix one more definition to the word ‘trumpery’ in our big book of words,” the press release read. “As you can see below, we’ve also added the word ‘douchebaggery’ as there wasn’t a perfect word to further describe the president and enhance the new definition.” As of press time the president was calling for the boycott of all dictionaries; something that the vast majority of his supporters had already been doing.