The corpse of deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging in a tree outside of his mausoleum in Loxahatchee, Florida this morning. Authorities investigating the incident say that two night watchmen on duty last night failed to make two of their 30-minute rounds to inspect the grounds and that’s when Epstein killed himself. Again. “What’s clear is that we have a suicide on our hands here,” Loxachatchee Police Chief Jason Whitfield confirmed. “Mr. Epstein knew that he’d be locked up in that casket indefinitely and he simply couldn’t take it anymore.”
SpaceX astronauts Robert Behnken and Douglas Hurley are refusing orders to return to Earth this weekend, citing the uncontrolled spread of coronavirus and social unrest in their home country of the United States. “Although we have already carried out our mission successfully, we’ve decided to remain in space until the US can get its shit together,” Behnken stated. “Maybe if our country had some semblance of a comprehensive plan to defeat the virus we’d be coming back.” Fellow astronaut Douglas Hurley echoed Behnken’s statement. “No one in their right mind would return to that chaos when they could just float around and wait it out up here instead,” Hurley confirmed while sporting a Black Lives Matter shirt. “It’s likely we won’t return until president Trump is no longer in office because – let’s face it – nothing is getting better. In fact, it’s only getting worse down there.”
Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced her new ‘A Few Children Left Behind Program’ today which will allow schools to reopen on time in a limited capacity. Devos says that she’ll be sending the 10 least promising students per classroom back to school to see if reopening is safe. “We now realize that it was unrealistic to try to fit so many kids in such a confined space during a pandemic,” DeVos stated. “So instead we’ve decided that the 10 worst performing students per class from last year will be our guinea pigs so we can ensure that we are providing a safe learning environment for our gifted students.” DeVos says once she feels it’s safe, that she’ll be swapping the 10 initial test children out with the 10 smartest kids from the class. “If relatively few of the students are falling ill, dying, or spreading the virus then we’ll make that switch and let the kids with actual futures continue their educations,” DeVos stated.
The Pentagon put an end to the ongoing statue removal debate today by ordering every statue in the country to be taken down and replaced with sculptures of our “soon-to-be arriving alien overlords.” The announcement comes just hours after the government admitted it had found multiple crashed UFOs. “Over the past years we have acquired several off-world vehicles that contained deceased, foreign lifeforms,” General Mark A. Milley stated. “Along with this we found plans for an invasion, and that invasion is coming soon.” The Pentagon says that the extraterrestrial equipment they found is so far advanced that humans have “no chance” fighting off the superior species. “We have no clue how their alien technology even works, so the best thing that we can do is give praise and show our subservience from the very beginning,” General Milley stated. “Replacing all statues is just our first step. Indeed, it appears the age of mankind’s rule is over.” Milley also stated that the government would be cutting military spending in half starting next month because “there’s really no point in trying anymore.” Instead, the general says the funds will be used to end homelessness, provide universal healthcare, fund education, and end world hunger. “We’re still not sure what we’re going to do with the rest of the money,” Milley confirmed. “But for a few weeks, until the aliens come and take over everything we know and love, the United States will be the greatest that it has ever been.” Photo credit Timothy Hale
A German Shepherd named Max who served in both Iraq and Afghanistan is refusing to accept the Medal of Honor until the United States elects a new president. “I would rather be shaved bald and forced to take a bath at night on the Fourth of July with all of the fireworks going off than be seen anywhere near that man,” Max said of Trump. “Why anyone would want to accept a medal for valor and heroism from a draft dodging, racist, sexist, homophobic, pathetic little man is beyond me.” Max says that should Joe Biden be elected in November that he will gladly accept the award. “I get yelled at all the time for sticking my nose in people’s butts and crotches,” Max stated. “So, personally, I couldn’t care less if the former vice president smells people’s hair.”
Dr. Anthony Fauci told reporters today that for the past two months he had been “dressing up as a hot lady named Dr. Antonia Fauciano” for briefings with Donald Trump in order to deter the president from firing him. Fauci says he managed to keep the ruse up until Trump grabbed him by the crotch yesterday. “I’ve worked under five presidents and at no point did I ever think that I would be molested by one of them,” Fauci stated. “But yesterday, Mr. Trump pulled me aside, told me that he wished I was his daughter, and then grabbed my crotch. So I’m not doing this anymore.” As of Tuesday morning Dr. Fauci said he would not be stepping down and that he would be pressing charges against the president.
The US government sold the rights to the National Anthem to billionaire entrepreneur Mark Cuban for $275 million who immediately turned around and said that he will not be allowing anyone to play the song before sporting events. The move comes just a few hours after Cuban tweeted in response to a fan that said he won’t watch Mavericks games if any of the players kneel for the song: “I’m sick of the fake patriotic bullshit,” Cuban stated. “Kneel. Don’t kneel. Wear a hat. Take off your hat. Put your hand over your heart. Stand up. Sit down… Well, all that doesn’t matter anymore because I’m not going to let anyone play it.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore