President Donald Trump is furious that he hasn’t received a gift from Santa since 2000 – when he was 54 years old.
Nancy Pelosi and fellow Democrats announced today that they plan to push forward with the collection of evidence in an effort to lube up Republicans across the aisle and get them to impeach president Trump. “We want to give them a nice tug toward impeachment by repeatedly edging them closer and closer with new facts,” Pelosi stated. “Once we’re certain they can’t hold back from shouting ‘Yea!’, we’ll finish ’em off by sticking the articles of impeachment up in there and bring this all to a surprising and satisfying climax.”
Democrats threw Republican members of the House for a loop today when they caried out all of the impeachment proceedings in Spanish. Republican critics are calling the Democrat’s actions both an abuse of power and an obstruction of Congress. “We obviously couldn’t tell what we were voting on,” Republican Representative Kevin McCarthy stated. “So we waited to see if the Democrats were voting ‘Sí’ or ‘No’ and then just voted the opposite.” The strategy seems to have worked so far as Republicans only once accidentally voted ‘Sí’ on a motion to refer to president Trump as “la pequeña perra anaranjado.”
President Trump announced today that he may not participate in the 2020 Presidential Debates after realizing that he’s used up every last one of his best words. “I’ve said ’em all folks. All of my best, most tremendous words. Every single one of them,” Trump stated. “Bigly, Nazzies, yuge, Chjy-na, covfefe; and anything I tried to say while my dentures were falling out. That’s all I got.”
While taking questions from the press outside of 10 Downing Street, British Prime Minister Boris Johnson shocked the crowd when he offered to teach Donald Trump how to win an election. “I’ll show Mr. Trump how it’s done without foreign help. I’ll be his tutor.” A disheveled, grinning Johnson stated. “We can both be abrasive pricks and still win elections.” In response, president Trump declined Johnson’s offer telling reporters, “Gotta love Boris! Crazy Boris! Someone tell him ‘Thanks for the offer and congrats on the win, but I’m already working with another country’.”
Nancy Pelosi gave a briefing this morning explaining the remaining steps to impeaching president Donald Trump. “For those of you who aren’t clear, I wanted to lay out the next steps for the impeachment process,” a wide-eyed Pelosi stated. “Today the House Judiciary Committee will argue and then hold a vote to vote on a vote for tomorrow’s impeachment vote after a preliminary shouting match and vote today and Friday.” Pelosi then confirmed that the process would be repeated in the Senate, but take about five times longer. Photo credit Ron Cogswell
Caretakers were forced to halt today’s impeachment hearings after countless Republican congressmen threw geriatric temper tantrums during opening statements. The outbursts began when, in a move of solidarity, the elderly men all removed their hearing aids and then refused to wait their turn to shout incoherently into their microphones. “Once it became clear what they were doing, we shut it down,” hospice worker Natalie Rempara stated. “We unplugged their microphones and that’s when they collectively shit their pants. So we’re on a brief recess.”