It’s no secret that the United States Postal Service is hurting for money when they need it the most. With the Trump administration in strong opposition to additional funding, the USPS has taken it upon themselves to raise money by selling an all-new line of commemorative ‘Fuck Trump’ impeachment stamps. Notably, the stamps – which were designed by famous artist Shepard Fairey – include the date that Trump was impeached on the bottom. Historians say the stamp design marks the first time that the small, adhesive pieces of paper have depicted anyone in a negative light; let alone the president of the United States. “The president might not like the stamps, but he should really get used to seeing himself as he’s depicted: in a small, square space surrounded by men just like him,” University of California Berkeley history professor Stephanie Woods stated. “Because he’s going to be spending a lot of time in prison once his presidency is over.” If you believe in saving the United States Postal Service, please visit https://store.usps.com/store/home and purchase something.
When asked if there was a plan in place if Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House after losing the November election, Washington D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser said that the city was already prepared for such a scenario. “Unfortunately, president Trump has made it clear that he will determine whether or not he accepts the November election results. Because of this many are wondering what will happen if he loses and refuses to remove himself from the White House,” Bowser stated. “Well if that is the case, the president will be cry-tweeting from his golden toilet, alone in the dark. Because we’re going to shut off all utilities if he protests the results.” In response to Bowser’s statements, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that such a move would be illegal. “The law clearly states that, and I quote, ‘utilities cannot disconnect service under federal law if you file for bankruptcy.’ Mr. Trump has already done that six times and he’ll do it a seventh if he has to. The utility company also cannot disconnect Mr. Trump’s service if he has a serious medical condition,” McEnany stated. “And undoubtedly anyone who refuses to accept a loss in the face of clear evidence is in serious need of psychiatric help.”
A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after president Trump pushed the extract as a cure for the coronavirus. Oxford says that their sizable study, which included 5,125 patients and had a 100% mortality rate, has conclusively proven that oleandrin has the same impact on COVID-19 patients as grabbing a MyPillow®, shoving it down on a person’s face, and holding it there until they stop moving. “Half of the patients in our study were poisoned with oleandrin, the other half were suffocated by a MyPillow®. Sadly, everyone died,” researcher Yuri Reznick confirmed. Upon hearing the news, president Trump praised the study. “Can you believe it? The science shows oleandrin works just as well as best-selling sleep accessory the MyPillow®! With millions of these pillows having been sold across the country, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t welcome oleandrin into your household today!” As of press time, fed-up scientists across the globe were in agreement that this was the last time they’d be saving the president’s supporters from killing themselves due to Trump’s baseless, deadly medical advice.
In a shocking move today, First Lady Melania Trump announced that her ‘Be Best’ program against bullying has reached its surprise, final phase: voting Donald Trump out of office. “My fellow Americans. The time has come to teach the biggest bully I’ve ever met a lesson on the largest scale,” Melania smiled. “This November 3rd, I want you all to be your best by casting your vote for Joe Biden. Because when you vote for Joe, you’re not just voting to save America, you’re also standing up to a bully and sending a clear message that we won’t put up with Donald’s bullshit anymore!” As of press time, it remained unclear if Melania had ended her marriage, since being exceedingly cold-hearted toward the president has always been her thing.
(The Astral Plane) Tensions are running high in Heaven tonight as the 170,000+ Americans who have died from COVID-19 are protesting God for taking the wrong Trump. Authorities say the protests, which are being led by the late father of utilitarianism Jeremy Bentham, started when the president’s brother Robert Trump showed up at the pearly gates instead of Donald. “It sounds crass on the face of it, but the reality is that there is a moral question at hand: Do you take one life to save thousands of others?” Bentham stated. “Quite quickly it becomes apparent that the right thing to do is to remove this evil man who has clearly done more harm than good during the pandemic. There’s a lot of blood on his hands.” When asked how he felt about Robert Trump’s death, Bentham stated, “It is what it is.”
President Trump has finally proven that mail-in voting is prone to meddling by standing against desperately-needed funding for the struggling United States Postal Service that would allow the US to run an efficient election. Notably, Trump’s actions come just in time to meet a deadline set by a federal judge for the Trump campaign to provide proof that mail-in voting fraud takes place. “I was right folks! I was right,” Trump grinned. “They said ‘it’s never been done before; widespread mail-in voter fraud can’t be done!’ But now millions of Americans may be deprived of the right to vote and it wasn’t even that hard for me to do.” In addition to Trump leaving the USPS high and dry, authorities appointed by the president are seeing to the removal of many blue USPS mailboxes in states across the country. Despite all of this, Trump, his family members, and many on his staff all say that they will be voting by mail – just like they have been for years. “We like our mailboxes in Palm Beach,” trump winked. “So we’ll be keeping them up and running over here.”
According to staff working the event, the Democratic National Convention will include a hologram of deceased Senator John McCain who will be endorsing Joe Biden. Republicans are calling the move disrespectful, despite Democrats having received permission from McCain’s family. President Trump spoke out about McCain’s posthumous appearance, calling it a stunt. “Personally I think it’s blasphemous. Very, very blasphemous,” Trump stated. “The Democrats have had dead people voting for years, now they’ve got them endorsing! Well I prefer my endorsers to be alive.” As of press time rumors were swirling that the president – who had just publicly condemned the concept – was now considering digging up Ronald Reagan, hoisting his skeleton up with strings like a puppet, and having him deliver a speech endorsing Trump.