Jeff Bezos Sues Ex-Wife MacKenzie Scott After Her Huge Donations ‘Make Him Look Bad’

Jeff Bezos has filed a lawsuit against his ex-wife and fellow billionaire MacKenzie Scott claiming that her frequent, substantial donations to charities around the world are making him look greedy. Bezos says he will “spare no expense” in his efforts … Continue reading Jeff Bezos Sues Ex-Wife MacKenzie Scott After Her Huge Donations ‘Make Him Look Bad’

Aaron Rodgers Says $200 Million Deal Only Covers Regular Season: ‘Pay Me More For Playoff Wins’

Aaron Rodgers has become the highest-paid NFL player ever after signing a 4-year, $200 million deal with the Green Bay Packers, but the 38-year-old quarterback is now telling the press that the team will have to pay him more if … Continue reading Aaron Rodgers Says $200 Million Deal Only Covers Regular Season: ‘Pay Me More For Playoff Wins’

Due To Ruble Crash, Republicans Who Can’t Afford New Outfits Won’t Attend State Of The Union

Most Republicans in Congress have decided against attending today’s State of the Union. The decision came after they realized that – due to the Russian ruble’s drop in value – they’re suddenly broke and unable to buy new clothes for … Continue reading Due To Ruble Crash, Republicans Who Can’t Afford New Outfits Won’t Attend State Of The Union

conservative coffee company black rifle wont serve black coffee

Confused, Conservative-Run Coffee Chain Too Scared To Serve Black Coffee

Unwilling to learn current social etiquette – and despite the fact that black coffee is widely considered the most “manly” way to take your caffeine – the conservative and veteran-run Black Rifle Coffee Company is still too confused and frightened … Continue reading Confused, Conservative-Run Coffee Chain Too Scared To Serve Black Coffee

Trump Only Aware Of His Own System Of (Bounced) Checks & (Negative Account) Balances

Despite being president for four years, Donald Trump made it clear today that he still doesn’t know how the US government operates. Trump is livid that Brett Kavanaugh – who he nominated to the position of Supreme Court justice – … Continue reading Trump Only Aware Of His Own System Of (Bounced) Checks & (Negative Account) Balances

Heavily-Armed State Of Religious Zealots Encourages Citizens To Turn In Neighbors For Abortions

Heavily-Armed State Of Religious Extremists Commands Citizens To Spy & Turn In Neighbors For Abortions

A heavily-armed state full of religious zealots known as “Texas” has passed a new abortion law that would pay $10,000 to anyone who reports their fellow citizens for having an abortion after 6 weeks of pregnancy. The new law, which … Continue reading Heavily-Armed State Of Religious Extremists Commands Citizens To Spy & Turn In Neighbors For Abortions

do i really need another 10 billion jeff bezos grins laughs maniacally in mirror

‘C’mon Jeff, Do You Really Need Another $10 Billion?’ Bezos Asks Himself Before Slowly Grinning, Laughing Maniacally In Mirror

Despite having already accumulated over $188 billion in wealth, an amendment has been added to legislation in the US Senate that will allow Jeff Bezos to receive another $10 billion from NASA — money that will most likely go directly toward … Continue reading ‘C’mon Jeff, Do You Really Need Another $10 Billion?’ Bezos Asks Himself Before Slowly Grinning, Laughing Maniacally In Mirror

clearly depressed pluto has yet to complete a single orbit since demotion to dwarf planet

Clearly Depressed, Pluto Has Yet To Complete A Single Orbit Since Demotion To Dwarf Planet

Scientists have discovered that the former planet of Pluto has yet to complete an orbit since it was demoted to a dwarf planet in August of 2006. Many experts now say that Pluto is suffering from a phenomenon called perturbed … Continue reading Clearly Depressed, Pluto Has Yet To Complete A Single Orbit Since Demotion To Dwarf Planet

Facebook Instagram threatens to charge users fee share secrets information

Facebook Threatens To Charge Users A Fee If They Don’t Share Their ‘Deepest, Darkest Secret’

Users of both Facebook and Instagram have reportedly been receiving a pop-up agreement with a cryptic message giving them the option to either share their worst secret, or be charged a fee to continue using the social media platforms. “To … Continue reading Facebook Threatens To Charge Users A Fee If They Don’t Share Their ‘Deepest, Darkest Secret’

Stimulus Passes Along Party Lines Meaning Only Democrat Voters Will Receive Checks

$1,400 Stimulus Passes Along Party Lines Meaning Only Democrat Voters Will Receive Checks

An obscure rule in Congress will block Republican voters from receiving the next $1,400 stimulus check because none of their representatives voted in favor of the latest bill which passed 50-49 along party lines. The relevant regulation is referred to … Continue reading $1,400 Stimulus Passes Along Party Lines Meaning Only Democrat Voters Will Receive Checks

Jeff Bezos Enters Rehab For Money Addiction and Identity Crisis After Stepping Down As Amazon CEO

Jeff Bezos Enters Rehab For Money Addiction & Identity Crisis After Stepping Down As Amazon CEO

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is stepping down from his position in order to enter rehab for a severe case of money addiction and to help stop an ongoing identity crisis. Those close to Bezos say that for years the billionaire … Continue reading Jeff Bezos Enters Rehab For Money Addiction & Identity Crisis After Stepping Down As Amazon CEO

Trump I can stop whenever i want doubles down on recount

‘I Can Stop Anytime I Want!’ Shouts Trump While Using Last of His Money to Double Down on Recounts

A desperate, broke Donald Trump was overheard shouting “C’mon baby! Donny needs a new set of results!” as he rolled the dice again by sending yet another $3 million to Wisconsin to recount votes for a second time. “The president … Continue reading ‘I Can Stop Anytime I Want!’ Shouts Trump While Using Last of His Money to Double Down on Recounts

Jared Kushner says we paid blacks too much nba capitalism

Jared Kushner on NBA: ‘This is What We Get for Paying the Blacks So Well’

The NBA playoffs were postponed Wednesday as many players were calling to end the season while demanding justice for Jacob Blake – yet another Black man who was wrongfully shot by the police. Players let NBA leadership know that they … Continue reading Jared Kushner on NBA: ‘This is What We Get for Paying the Blacks So Well’

Staffers Add Money Sign Comma Three Zeroes to Death Toll to Get Trump to Take Virus Seriously

Staffers Add Dollar Sign, Comma & Three Zeroes to Death Toll in Attempt to Get Trump to Take Virus Seriously

A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and … Continue reading Staffers Add Dollar Sign, Comma & Three Zeroes to Death Toll in Attempt to Get Trump to Take Virus Seriously

New 45-Gallon Donation Basket Not as Subtle as Priest Imagined

Hurting for money after several weeks without holding a single mass, Father Peter Gibbons of St. Margaret’s Parish in Austin, TX is now deeply regretting his decision to buy a 45-gallon trash can for collecting donations. “The optics are off. … Continue reading New 45-Gallon Donation Basket Not as Subtle as Priest Imagined

Trump Says Americans Should ‘Just Ask Their Dad’ For Rent Money

With more than 30 million people having filed for unemployment since mid-March, and countless more Americans having a hard time making ends meet, president Trump told reporters today that those in need of assistance should simply ask their dad for … Continue reading Trump Says Americans Should ‘Just Ask Their Dad’ For Rent Money

Congress Revisits Stimulus Bill after forgetting to include sincere fuck you to citizens

Congress Revisits Stimulus Bill After Forgetting to Sign it With a Sincere ‘Fuck You’ To American Citizens

Members of Congress revealed today that they had forgotten to sign their insufficient joke of a stimulus bill with a sincere ‘Fuck You’ in order to make the document as transparent as possible. “With a few simple votes we will … Continue reading Congress Revisits Stimulus Bill After Forgetting to Sign it With a Sincere ‘Fuck You’ To American Citizens