Due To Ruble Crash, Republicans Who Can’t Afford New Outfits Won’t Attend State Of The Union

Most Republicans in Congress have decided against attending today’s State of the Union. The decision came after they realized that – due to the Russian ruble’s drop in value – they’re suddenly broke and unable to buy new clothes for the event.

“I had a lot of money two weeks ago and all of a sudden the value crashed down to nothing!” Florida Senator Marco Rubio confirmed. “Cashflow is very tight right now and I can’t wear something I’ve worn before. As a representative of the great USSR, I mean, the US of A… I don’t think that Putin…err… people want to see me looking poor.”

Rubio and many other Republicans also say that they won’t be doing anything work-related until they get more funding.

“Why would anyone go into the office or on the Senate floor and toil away if their boss is not going to pay them a livable wage!?” a frustrated Rubio asked. “It should be illegal really. Nobody can live like that.”

When reached for comment, Senator Mitch McConnell was direct.

“We’ve really shot ourselves in the foot here, because holy Christ these sanctions are killing us,” McConnell stated. “I don’t know how we didn’t see this coming.”

As of press time McConnell was encouraging Republicans to look for other sources of funding – with most choosing to reach out to China or North Korea.

“We don’t want to have to do it, but if it comes down to it we will support China against Taiwan,” McConnell confirmed.

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