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Don’t miss new articles on Substack! Some articles will slowly find their way here later. Some won’t. My writing is followed by the founding editor-in-chief of The Onion and complimented by 4x Emmy award winning show-runner of The Simpsons Mike … Continue reading READERS: My New Satire is Always Published First on Substack!
In his first official act in response to the deadly Texas flooding, President Trump announced the first-ever tariffs to be placed on Heaven. Citing what he called a “clear breach of contract” by God, Trump blamed the death and destruction … Continue reading ‘Heaven’s Had It Too Good for Too Long,’ Trump Says: U.S. Slaps 100% Tariff on Heaven in Response to Deadly Texas Floods
Trump Supporters Burn Bibles After Finally Learning What Jesus Would Do The IRS is facing backlash from Republicans after announcing that churches may only endorse political candidates without being taxed if they can cite valid religious reasons from their holy … Continue reading IRS Accidentally Bans Churches From Endorsing Republicans By Requiring Valid Religious Reasons
2 in 3 ICE Hires Came From Targeted Ads on Dating Apps for Men With Zero Matches Lynchburg, Virginia — A new study released by Liberty University reveals that over 80% of Immigration & Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents chose the … Continue reading Study Finds 83% of ICE Agents Took the Job Because Raids Are the Only Time They Get to Touch Women
In a fiery new rant, former President Donald Trump has claimed that Pope Francis is “possessed by a demon,” following the Vatican leader’s condemnation of several Trump administration policies. The Pope, who is known for advocating for social justice, peace, … Continue reading Trump Says “Pope Francis is Possessed” After Leader of Church Condemns His Policies
California has forced churches to start repainting statues of Jesus in which the religious figure is depicted with white skin. The move comes after a large group of leftist historians pointed out that Jesus couldn’t have possibly been white and … Continue reading California Law Forces Churches to Paint Statues of White Jesus With Blackface Due to Historical & Racial Inaccuracies
When it comes to the most profound questions about existence—whether God exists, what happens after death, or why the universe is the way it is—many of us instinctively seek certainty. But what if certainty is the wrong goal? What if acknowledging the limits of our knowledge is the most intellectually honest stance we can take? That’s exactly what agnosticism offers: a path grounded in openness, inquiry, and realism. Here’s why you should consider it. Continue reading Agnosticism: The Most Honest Approach to Life’s Biggest Questions
In an unprecedented and shocking revelation, a team of top scientists from various esteemed institutions have confirmed what many have long suspected: our universe is, in fact, a meticulously crafted hellscape that seems to have been specifically designed to maximize … Continue reading BREAKING: Study Proves Reality is a Fabricated Hell with Just Enough Intelligence to Notice but Not Enough to Fix Anything
25% of Americans believe that God will determine the Super Bowl winner. Additionally, almost 50% believe that God rewards the more devout athletes. Here’s what people are saying: Continue reading 25% Of Americans Believe God Decides The Winner Of The Super Bowl
Scientists across the globe are now starting to admit that there is a perk for those of us who are wisely choosing not to get vaccinated against Covid: We’re 11 times more likely to meet God sooner than all of … Continue reading Jealous?: Anti-Vaxxers Are 11 Times More Likely To Meet God Before You
Conservative extremist and radio shock jock Rush Limbaugh passed away today and has now been placed in his own personal limbo, indefinitely. The decision comes after both God and the Devil refused to take him. “He certainly doesn’t belong here,” … Continue reading Rush Limbaugh Forever Trapped in ‘Rush Limbo’ After Devil & God Both Refuse To Take Him
(The Astral Plane) After being essentially hands-off for millennia, the Devil and God stunned the world today when they publicly begged conservatives in America to stop screwing around and take the pandemic seriously. Both rulers reported that their individual dominions … Continue reading The Devil & God Beg Conservatives to ‘Get Their Shit Together’ as Heaven & Hell Near Capacity
Satan has one more soul today after talented country music legend Charlie Daniels passed away in a Nashville hospital this morning from a stroke. God says that Daniels’ famous song “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” was the main reason … Continue reading Charlie Daniels in Hell After Life of Encouraging Deals With the Devil
During an evening address at the Vatican, Pope Francis made remarks on the coronavirus and the state of the world that included harsh words for US president Donald Trump and his supporters. “Truly I tell you, there is a reason … Continue reading Pope Francis Calls Trump Supporters ‘Evil at Worst, Stupid at Best’
There are no laws in the state of Wisconsin anymore after a shocking 4-3 decision by the state Supreme Court found today that none of the state’s laws, or even the constitution itself, are constitutional. In the majority opinion conservative … Continue reading Wisconsin Supreme Court Suspends All Laws, Citing Infringement on Personal Freedoms
God is facing criticism from Trump and his supporters after the president issued an angry, ranting, hour-long address on the National Day of Prayer that repeatedly trashed the deity for allowing the Coronavirus to get out of control. “Dear big … Continue reading Furious Trump Unloads On God for ‘Allowing Coronavirus to Get Out of Control’
Reaching over 2″ long and packing a body-tissue-destroying sting, the Murder Hornet has been sent to North America as yet another “Fuck You!” from God Himself. Bringing a higher volume and worse toxicity of venom than any other hornet species, … Continue reading God Hates Us: Swarms of Giant Asian ‘Murder Hornets’ Arrive in North America Because, Why the Fuck Not?
