Originally announced in 2006, Disney’s Jungle Cruise Movie is finally politically correct enough for director Jaume Collet-Serra to begin filming. 

“It took four writers and 13 years of rewriting, but we finally got it done,” Collet-Serra stated. “We cut out a ton of brown people throwing spears and totally nixed three scenes where Dwayne Johnson would’ve been firing his gun at a bunch of hippos for absolutely no reason. So that was 3/4ths of the script gone.”

With little material left to work with, Collet-Serra says he told the writers to get creative.

“What we ended up with is more of a horror movie in which a musclebound headhunter played by Dwayne Johnson stalks Emily Blunt through the jungle-like aisles of an Amazon warehouse for two hours.” Collet-Serra stated. “Don’t ask me to explain the plot. I cannot.”

Collet-Serra noted that there are two relative highpoints in the movie.

“One is an action scene in which Blunt fights off a bunch of annoyed Amazon workers with a double-sided dildo,” Collet-Serra stated. “The second is a confusing, trippy animated scene that depicts a talkative Dwayne Johnson making love to a bin full Amazon Echos.”

Disney says they will be changing their Jungle Cruise rides to closely resemble the movie by opening real Amazon Warehouses in their place.

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Photo Credit: Josh Hallett