Your Accurate Horoscope For Today

“Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – You are feeling ecstatic and delighted inside – creating a real impact on those around you. Just go along with your…”


Kim Kardashian Sues Jack in the Box Over Explosive Diarrhea

“Because of the extreme food poisoning, Kim has also experienced dramatic silicone loss in the [expletive], lip and breast regions.”

Disney’s Jungle Cruise Movie is Finally PC Enough to Film After 13 Years of Rewrites

“We totally nixed three scenes where Dwayne Johnson would’ve been firing his gun at a bunch of hippos for absolutely no reason.”

Local Man Uses Catheter So He Doesn’t Miss Any Part of Avengers: Endgame

“Overall, I’d give the movie 5-stars,” Kellner stated.

Bill Gates Stars as Catwoman in Highly-Anticipated Film

“Gates oozes with a sultry sex appeal that culminates in a passionate, 12-minute lovemaking scene with the masked hero Batman who is played by Apple CEO Tim Cook.”

Failing Papa John’s Hires Shaquille O’Neal to Eat Most of Their Pizzas

“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.”

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