(Orlando, FL) Disney World guests breathed a collective sigh of relief today as it was confirmed that the coronavirus would not be entering the gates of the world-famous amusement park. The news broke just moments ago when the virus itself admitted to reporters that it couldn’t bring itself to fork over the $169 for a Day Pass. “Although it would only make sense that a virus such as myself would make its way into a busy, bustling place like Disney World, I cannot in good conscience justify the cost of a Day Pass,” the virus confirmed. “It doesn’t matter how badly I want to go in there, because these prices are fucking absurd.”
Disney parks in Florida and California announced today that they will be giving the classic Fantasyland ride ‘It’s a Small World’ a complete makeover in order to bring the ride up to speed with modern times. The ride will notably no longer segregate various races and cultures from one another while highlighting stereotypes, but rather depict these groups living together in harmony. Disney says the company hopes the ride will teach kids and adults alike to learn to love and accept everyone for who they are. Despite their best intentions, the planned changes to the ride have outraged many on the right, including political pundit Sean Hannity who has called for a boycott of the company. “Disney has taken a timeless classic and butchered it by not keeping the races separated in order to… in order to… to celebrate our differences and uniqueness,” Hannity stated. “If they truly cared about diversity then they would have left the ride the hell alone!” In response to conservative anger about the change, Disney announced that they would also be updating the ride’s name to ‘It’s a Big World and We Need to Check Our Biases and Accept Everyone for Their Differences Without Passing Unfair Judgement’. A move that the right is calling both radical and inflammatory.
Disney announced that yet another one of their rides will be getting a politically correct upgrade this month after the company decided that their ‘The Little Mermaid: Ariel’s Undersea Adventure’ ride was both sexist and racist. The new ride, which will be called ‘The Little Mer-Person: Ariel’s Woke Adventure’ is scheduled to reopen in late September in California and Florida. Notably, several new songs will be piped through brand new Dolby Digital Surround Sound speakers, including Childish Gambino’s “This is America,” which will replace “Under the Sea” and be sung by the character Sebastian who is voiced by Donald Glover himself. Another character receiving an upgrade is the infamous villain Ursula, who will now be voiced by music legend Queen Latifa who will be featured singing her hit song “U.N.I.T.Y.” in place of “Poor Unfortunate Souls”. Disney says the final scene culminates when Sebastian (Glover) sings the familiar song “Kiss the Girl” with updated pronouns while PrinceX – who is a black, transgendered, lesbian – kisses a non-binary Ariel on the lips after first clearly asking for and receiving consent.
“Lindsey Graham was, hands down, easily the weirdest sex I have ever had.”
ABC’s Disney Family Singalong was full of stars singing and dancing to classic Disney hits, but a one-off appearance by Bill O’Reilly left many viewers outraged as the right wing political pundit belted out an abbreviated version of “Song of the South” and its nine songs. Many historians and movie critics consider the film to be overtly racist against black Americans. “You can’t just erase history,” Bill O’Reilly wrote in a tweet. “This film and these songs are an important part of America’s past.” O’Reilly, who sported a 1940’s style pork pie hat, ran through the entire soundtrack, but placed a clear emphasis on the timeless classic “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah”. As of press time countless outraged viewers were already calling for boycotts of both Disney and ABC, but not Bill O’Reilly as his career had already ended three years prior.
“We totally nixed three scenes where Dwayne Johnson would’ve been firing his gun at a bunch of hippos for absolutely no reason.”