New Apple Card costs $2000, has an optional add-on chip to lower APR by 1%

Those wanting the new Apple Card will begin their contracts $2,000 in debt as the credit card is the first to require a starting balance. Savvy consumers will have the option to purchase an upgrade chip that lowers their APR by 1%. The chip will sell for an extra $499 and take the average customer $800 and two years to pay off.

The New Apple Pro Display XDR Comes in 127 Parts, Each Sold Separately

“In one of the 127 boxes customers will find a serial number,” Cook stated. “That is the number they will enter online; unlocking the ability to purchase the instruction manual for putting the device together.”

Apple Releases iPhone Rotary with Real Crank-Dialing and Switchboard Operators

“Apple fans will buy it because they are, without a doubt, the biggest consumer whores on the planet,” CEO Tim Cook stated.

Tim Cook Swallows an Entire iPhone XS Max to Prove It’s Environmentally Friendly

YouReadyGrandma

“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max.

FaceTime Bug Causes Small Wormholes to Appear & Suck Up iPhones, Nearby Objects

YouReadyGrandma

“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.”

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