Baby Oil Processor Squish Babies Abortion Shortage Ban

Experts Warn Of ‘Huge Baby Oil Shortage’ After Bans On Abortion Result In Fewer Fetuses To Squeeze Juices From

With strict abortion bans going into effect in 13 states, baby oil manufacturers and suppliers are sounding the alarm that a product shortage is unavoidable due to an abrupt drop in the amount of aborted fetuses available to squeeze the juices from.

“We used to have a harmony – a homeostasis – if you will, in which there were enough fetuses being flattened by our pulverizing machine; squishing the precious juices out,” a representative from Johnson & Johnson stated. “The baby oil used to be plentiful enough to be used by aging adults and on the babies unlucky enough to be forced to live in this cruel, cruel world… but not anymore.”

Notably, the hosts of Fox & Friends were incredibly upset and vocal about the issue on their show when the news initially broke.

“My God. Have we have made a mistake!?” a wide-eyed Ainsley Earhardt shouted while staring directly into the camera. “How are we going to stay young by slathering ourselves in the frothy juices if there aren’t any fetuses to crush? And most importantly, how could Biden let us do this to ourselves!? He must be impeached.”

Brian Kilmeade then addressed an incredibly shaken Steve Doocy.

“Look. We didn’t think it through,” a visibly upset Kilmeade told Doocy while looking into his teary eyes and holding his trembling hands. “There are simply too many living, breathing babies and not enough juicy, mushy-gushy fetuses now. It may appear that we did this to ourselves, but we all know it was Biden.”

Meanwhile, a despondent Ted Cruz was crying uncontrollably from the inside of a dumpster behind an Austin, TX Planned Parenthood.

“Why!? Whyyyy!?” Cruz sobbed while licking secretions of unknown origins and rubbing his face on the cold, metal bottom of the filthy, rusty trash container. “Oh please come back to me my sweet, sweet nectar of life!”

Original photo by Sam D. Wilbur

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