The jobs report is in and unemployment has dipped to 3.5% after over 225,000 Americans finally made the dream of owning and operating their very own Etsy shop a reality. What do you think? Advertisements
It’s the most productive day of the year: National Cocaine Day! Celebrated the first Wednesday of December, the US Labor Department says the holiday typically produces six times the normal work output. To mark the day, a fast-talking, wide-eyed president Trump delivered an energetic, rambling speech before inviting Mike Pence to snort a line of coke out of his ass crack on national television. “I’m going to drop ’em Mike!” Trump yelled while tugging down on his pants.” Before a bright red and sweaty Pence could reluctantly decline the offer, Trump had already yanked his pants off on the White House’s West Lawn; exposing his lightly soiled, off-white underwear.
With the Federal Election Commission vice chairman Matthew Petersen stepping down the FEC is effectively shutdown, leaving no one to enforce campaign finance law. Congress is now debating whether to approve $35 in funding to post a job on Craigslist or just let the 2020 election completely go to shit.
“The geriatric cyborgs have two convenient USB ports allowing customers to charge their phones,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated.
“I’m going to open his door and push him into oncoming traffic tomorrow. [Expletive] this guy.”