36-year-old Karen Howard of Ontario, CA just realized that the vibrant pink Mary Kay Mercedes she’s driving is an announcement to the world that she’s part of a pyramid scheme. Howard says she can’t believe that she’s spent two years on the road advertising that she’s a terrible human who takes advantage of others. “Now that I think about it, my friends and family basically paid for this car due to me guilting them into buying my products,” Howard stated. “My God. What have I become!?” As of early morning, Howard says she was looking for different work and that so far Avon or Cutco were looking pretty promising. “It’s amazing how many jobs there are out there that only require a couple hundred dollars up front to get started and there’s no stressful interviews to do,” Howard smiled. By late afternoon Howard had already rented a storage unit to keep her Cutco knives and Avon makeup.
According to a recent Gallop poll, less than 1 in 3 employed Americans say they’re involved in, enthusiastic about, or committed to their work or workplace. What do you think?
Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only goes so far. “Although conducting Zoom meetings from home was working fine, it’s super nice to see the familiar faces of my coworkers from 6-feet away, covered by a mask. The camaraderie is definitely worth raising your chances of getting the virus, and it’s a good reminder of who’s really in charge,” IT manager Martin Reddy stated. Photo by Anna Shvets
(Denver, CO) Local man Peter Darling says the unadjustable, nearly-freezing cold water in his workplace restroom is most likely not killing off the Coronavirus, or any other germs for that matter. “If anything, we’re probably giving the virus a nice, soothing bath while our hands go numb from 20 seconds of ice cold water,” the 70-year old Darling stated. In response Darling – who has around a 10% chance of dying from the virus – was told that the cold tap water was the result of the company not wanting to be sued should an employee burn themselves. “First and foremost, we take employee safety very seriously,” a company representative stated between coughs. “Secondly, the last thing we want is a bunch of employees walking around with burns, unable to shake hands with our clients. So for those two reasons, the tap water will remain at a safe and reasonable 40-degrees.”
A class action lawsuits against restaurant chain Einstein Bros Bagels is claiming the restaurant discriminates based on penis size when hiring male employees. Several men reported that part of the interview process involved comparing hand and foot sizes with current male employees and having to answer questions like: “Is it the size of the boat, or the motion in the ocean?” As of press time the US Food Safety and Inspection Service was visiting Einsteins locations to make sure employees were wearing condoms while poking tiny holes in the bagels.
British startup, StandardToilet, announced its latest product today: a toilet with a seat that angles 13-degrees downward; making sitting unbearable after just five minutes. With 89% of Americans saying they surf the web while on the toilet at work, experts say it’s only a matter of time before the product hits US workplaces. What do you think?
The jobs report is in and unemployment has dipped to 3.5% after over 225,000 Americans finally made the dream of owning and operating their very own Etsy shop a reality. What do you think?