(Denver, CO) Local man Peter Darling says the unadjustable, nearly-freezing cold water in his workplace restroom is most likely not killing off the Coronavirus, or any other germs for that matter. “If anything, we’re probably giving the virus a nice, soothing bath while our hands go numb from 20 seconds of ice cold water,” the 70-year old Darling stated. In response Darling – who has around a 10% chance of dying from the virus – was told that the cold tap water was the result of the company not wanting to be sued should an employee burn themselves. “First and foremost, we take employee safety very seriously,” a company representative stated between coughs. “Secondly, the last thing we want is a bunch of employees walking around with burns, unable to shake hands with our clients. So for those two reasons, the tap water will remain at a safe and reasonable 40-degrees.” Advertisements
A class action lawsuits against restaurant chain Einstein Bros Bagels is claiming the restaurant discriminates based on penis size when hiring male employees. Several men reported that part of the interview process involved comparing hand and foot sizes with current male employees and having to answer questions like: “Is it the size of the boat, or the motion in the ocean?” As of press time the US Food Safety and Inspection Service was visiting Einsteins locations to make sure employees were wearing condoms while poking tiny holes in the bagels.
British startup, StandardToilet, announced its latest product today: a toilet with a seat that angles 13-degrees downward; making sitting unbearable after just five minutes. With 89% of Americans saying they surf the web while on the toilet at work, experts say it’s only a matter of time before the product hits US workplaces. What do you think?
The jobs report is in and unemployment has dipped to 3.5% after over 225,000 Americans finally made the dream of owning and operating their very own Etsy shop a reality. What do you think?
It’s the most productive day of the year: National Cocaine Day! Celebrated the first Wednesday of December, the US Labor Department says the holiday typically produces six times the normal work output. To mark the day, a fast-talking, wide-eyed president Trump delivered an energetic, rambling speech before inviting Mike Pence to snort a line of coke out of his ass crack on national television. “I’m going to drop ’em Mike!” Trump yelled while tugging down on his pants.” Before a bright red and sweaty Pence could reluctantly decline the offer, Trump had already yanked his pants off on the White House’s West Lawn; exposing his lightly soiled, off-white underwear.
With the Federal Election Commission vice chairman Matthew Petersen stepping down the FEC is effectively shutdown, leaving no one to enforce campaign finance law. Congress is now debating whether to approve $35 in funding to post a job on Craigslist or just let the 2020 election completely go to shit.