US Catholic bishops approved the creation of a new official document today that would ban politicians who support abortion rights from receiving Communion. President Joe Biden, who would be barred from the sacrament, gave a brief statement on the issue today.
“Look. I love God, Jesus and the Church. But they’re not going to phase me by taking my magical cracker privileges away. No I mean it!” a wide-eyed Biden shouted. “It’s no skin off my back. I’ll just bring some Wheat Thins. Hell they taste better anyway, and there’s all of those great flavors!”
Biden then went on to list the varieties of Wheat Thins that he likes.
“Of course I could bring the good old Original flavor or maybe the healthier Reduced Fat. Then there’s the extra big ones for when you’re really hungry or the delicious Sundried Tomato & Basil if you’re looking for a punch in the mouth,” Biden grinned. “Sometimes I just might bring that savory Ranch and maybe even the subtle Hint of Salt. Finally, there’s the hearty Multigrain for when I’m watching my weight, and the zesty Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil for when this cracker really wants to mix it up. And you know what? Unlike the Church I’m willing to share with everyone around me. I’ll even place them right on your tongue. That’s just the kind of guy I am!”
Orig. Wheat Thins photo credit Mike Mozart