The United States Supreme Court ruled 9-0 today in favor of allowing the pedophile-ridden Catholic Church to ban LGBTQ+ individuals from adopting children from any of their organizations. The Church released a brief and disturbing statement after the court’s decision.

“Today, the Supreme Court cast the correct and righteous vote,” the statement read. “Gay couples are 7.5 times more likely to adopt than their straight counterparts. By allowing these immoral, gay couples to adopt kids, we would be significantly decreasing the pool of children that the clergy can molest. The Church deserves to keep its longstanding tradition of pedophilia alive by claiming some of the kids for itself.”