The Mormon Church broke news yesterday that they had amassed over $100 billion in a charity fund over the course of 22 years in order to buy every American “magical underwear”.

“Made of unbleached cotton, these stylish full-body jockstraps make for wonderful enchanted undergarments,” Mormon leader Father Christopher Daniels told reporters. “They’re worn by superstars the likes of Mitt Romney and Donnie and Marie Osmond, so you’ll know you’re poppin’! Nothing says ‘I don’t know how sex works’ like this sleek and stylish design.”

The church says deliveries of the magical underwear will begin on Christmas day.

“Be sure to watch for us!” Father Daniels stated. “When you see two overtly bi-curious men come biking up your driveway – then smile – because that’s your underwear delivery!”

Additionally, for just a $1,000 donation, the church says the delivery boys will personally put the underwear on you.