WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move critics are calling “a confession in legislative form,” Donald Trump signed an executive order today lowering the federal age of consent to 10 years old. The decree retroactively changes the law beginning in 1946 … Continue reading Trump Signs Executive Order Retroactively Lowering Age of Consent to 10
Mar-a-Lago, FL — President Donald Trump took to Truth Social today to declare a “National Emergency of the Highest Magnitude” after learning that President Joe Biden’s robot clone had not only survived Stage 17 cancer but had also “become more … Continue reading Trump Declares National Emergency After Biden Robot Clone Survives Stage 17 Cancer, Vows Revenge
In a groundbreaking moment for both politics and technology, President Donald Trump’s second inauguration — held indoors at the U.S. Capitol Rotunda due to precedented levels of January cold — allegedly broke attendance records with the help of Elon Musk’s … Continue reading Trump Claims Elon Musk’s Space Expansion Tech Let 2.6 Million People Attend His Indoor Inauguration
Gone in a flash 💥🛸 President Joe Biden has offered a bold and unconventional solution to the growing number of mysterious drone sightings over New Jersey: “If one of those big drones gets too close, just flash them. Show them … Continue reading Biden: Mysterious Drones Over New Jersey Can Be Scared Off by ‘Exposing Your Genitals’
In a move that has officially ended the Israeli-Palestinian War, President Joe Biden announced a groundbreaking deal with pharmaceutical giant Pfizer to mass-produce and distribute personal Gaza Strips to everyone involved in the conflict. Speaking from the Rose Garden, President … Continue reading BREAKING: Biden-Pfizer Deal to Mass Produce Personal Gaza Strips Ends Israeli-Palestinian War Permanently
(McAllen, TX) In a complete reversal on prior stances, the Biden administration unveiled a plan today to finalize the US-Mexico border wall by utilizing a “strange and seemingly endless supply of discarded ladders” conveniently scattered near the existing barrier. Biden, … Continue reading Border Wall To Be Completed Using Unlimited Stock of Ladders Discarded Near Existing Wall
In an effort to eradicate “woke entertainment,” while testing new laws that would “get rid of race mixing,” Florida Governor Ron DeSantis admitted today that he was behind the effort to airdrop 252 non-white, stolen dolls from Disney World’s iconic … Continue reading Disney’s ‘It’s a Small World’ Has 48 Dolls Left After Ron DeSantis Airdrops ‘Colored Ones’ Over White House
Republicans refused to cooperate with President Biden’s attempts to free WNBA star Brittney Griner from Russian prison until he agreed that she will be required to stand for 10 national anthems, say 25 pledges of allegiance, and announce that “All … Continue reading Brittney Griner Forced To Stand For 10 National Anthems, Say 25 Pledges of Allegiance & Announce That ‘All Lives Matter’ Before Every WNBA Game In Exchange For Freedom
Correction!!! We apologize for inaccurately reporting on this story. The mistakes have since been redacted. Here’s an update: The aforementioned stolen classified documents, proof of orchestrating January 6th, hidden tax returns, and 2020 election tampering are all scandals directly related … Continue reading BREAKING: Hunter Biden’s Laptop Has Classified Docs, Proof He Was Behind Jan 6th, Hidden Tax Records & Evidence Of Election Tampering
An anonymous informant from inside the FBI leaked to reporters today that authorities are still trying to learn what’s on Hunter Biden’s laptop. Apparently, the device is driving agents crazy because it plays the same song when powered on and … Continue reading Inside Source: Hunter Biden’s Defective Laptop Keeps Playing ‘Someone Like You’ – Most Likely Because It’s A Dell
Shortages of baby formula are impacting parents across the country. Due to these conditions, San Francisco is now allowing parents to abort their kids after they have already been born. “This move comes in anticipation of babies dying of starvation,” … Continue reading San Francisco Legalizes Post-Birth Abortions Due To Baby Formula Shortage
Democrats are filling the empty seats left open by Republicans for the State of the Union with blow up dolls that have angry Vladimir Putin faces taped to them. Notably, the large number of vacant seats is due to Republicans … Continue reading Empty Seats At State Of The Union Filled With Angry, Blow-Up Putins So That Biden Still Gets Exact Same Reactions
Most Republicans in Congress have decided against attending today’s State of the Union. The decision came after they realized that – due to the Russian ruble’s drop in value – they’re suddenly broke and unable to buy new clothes for … Continue reading Due To Ruble Crash, Republicans Who Can’t Afford New Outfits Won’t Attend State Of The Union
President Biden was asked by reporters today what he plans to do about studies saying that ocean levels are going to rise as much as they normally would in 100 years in just 30 years. “We gotta stop it. Period!” … Continue reading Biden: Rising Sea Levels Could Be Prevented If We Stop Dumping Viagra In The Oceans
President Joe Biden spoke with Russian president Vladimir Putin today in an effort to de-escalate incredibly high tensions surrounding what looked to be an inevitable invasion of Ukraine. As the two men were nearing the end of what seemed like … Continue reading Loud Biden Fart Makes Putin Smile For First Time In Years & Call Off Ukraine Invasion
A fuming mad Donald Trump Jr. showed up unannounced at Marco Rubio’s West Miami house late Wednesday night after he figured out that the Florida senator had lied when he said Biden was giving out free meth and crack pipes. … Continue reading A Furious Don Jr. Showed Up At Marco Rubio’s House After Biden Refused To Give Him A Free Crack Pipe
President Joe Biden has declared ‘Super Bowl Monday’ – the day after the big football game – a new national holiday. The decision was made when Biden read an article about the huge losses that companies already incur on that … Continue reading BREAKING: Biden Makes Monday After Super Bowl A National Holiday
White House press secretary Jen Psaki accidentally told reporters today that President Joe Biden was selecting his nominee for Supreme Court justice by flipping a coin. “Mr. Biden will have a pick shortly. There’s just one more coin flip to … Continue reading Biden Down To Final Coin Flip To Determine Who He’ll Nominate To The Supreme Court
