President Joe Biden has declared ‘Super Bowl Monday’ – the day after the big football game – a new national holiday. The decision was made when Biden read an article about the huge losses that companies already incur on that day.
“The Super Bowl is estimated to cost employers more than $6.5 billion in lost productivity on the Monday immediately following the game due to workers being so tired and so incredibly hungover,” Biden stated. “So from now on Super Bowl Monday will be a national holiday for citizens to rest up and recover from partying.”
The response to the new holiday, which many have nicknamed “Hangover Monday,” has been overwhelmingly positive.
“I will vote for any president that makes Super Bowl Monday a national holiday. No questions asked,” one QAnon believer and former Trump voter confirmed. “This changes everything.”
In response to President Biden’s decision, Jeff Bezos is making all Amazon employees sign an agreement stating that they will not watch the game and that they will come in to work on Monday.
“National holidays hold no power over business owners.” Bezos grinned. “There’s always a workaround.”
According to reports, a large group of CEOs may have already convinced the NFL to move next year’s game to a Saturday – prompting Pope Francis to speak out against the decision – citing the fact that nobody will go to church the day after the Super Bowl.
“My heart breaks for all of the wealthy and powerful people mildly inconvenienced whenever the common folk have a good time, but what’s more important here? Money or God? ” Pope Francis asked. “Do you want people throwing up in church? Because this is how you get people throwing up in church.”
As of press time Biden was still considering stretching the new holiday to span over two or three days “because a lot of adults take more than 24-hours to recover from binge drinking.”