Republicans refused to cooperate with President Biden’s attempts to free WNBA star Brittney Griner from Russian prison until he agreed that she will be required to stand for 10 national anthems, say 25 pledges of allegiance, and announce that “All Lives Matter” over the loudspeakers before every basketball game.

Griner says she’s “somewhat comfortable” with the exchange requirements because the Russians also forced her to face their flag whenever their national anthem played in prison.

“Repeating this ridiculous spectacle before every game is a small price to pay to be back with my family, but this is actually a lot more than what they were forcing me to do in Russia,” Griner stated. “Sure, they would play their national anthem twice a day and ask that you be respectful, but they didn’t – for example – make adults or children do a pledge to an inanimate object every morning. They aren’t nearly as obsessed; in fact, Russians don’t even have a pledge of allegiance.”

Republicans have made it clear that if Griner doesn’t do what they say, she will be placed in American prison.

“This is her penance! If Brittney decides to bow down and take a knee during the 10 national anthems, then she will be going to prison!” Republican representative Adam Kinzinger yelled. “If Ms. Griner refuses to do the 25 pledges of allegiance before all of her games, she will be going back to prison! And if she doesn’t admit publicly before every game that “All Lives Matter,” then we will make it abundantly clear that her life also does not matter because she will be going back to prison!”

When reached for comment, Russian president Vladimir Putin said that the Republicans “are kind of overdoing it.”

“What is the point of freeing Brittney if they are just going to imprison her in other ways? When you force people to repeat things like this over and over, it makes everything lose meaning. It makes the people mindless.” Putin grinned while lighting a blunt. “This is why we are not robots here in Russia.”